It dawned on me, as the lights dimmed for the screening of Salt, that I have never actually seen noted baby-hoarder Angelina Jolie DO anything. Except hoard babies. And get her picture taken draped in babies to repair her image after stealing another woman’s husband so she could use his baby cannon to grow a bunch of new babies inside her baby cave. The woman LOVES BABIES, and, hyperbolically speaking, that is literally all I know about her. Has she ever even been in a movie?

I mean, I guess I remember her writhing around like a baby in Girl, Interrupted. And I suppose I have seen a poster of her dressed up as something called a “Tomb Raider” (probably looking for mummy babies to suckle!). And I definitely saw her playing against type (as a woman trying to give a baby back) in 2008’s Changeling, the entire script of which I will now reproduce here:

Angelina: “Hey, where’s my baby son at?”
Police: “Oh, we found him. Here you go.”
Angelina: “That’s not my son. Where is MY son? I want my son. I want my son back! Where is MY son? Where is MY son? This son is not MY son. I want MY son!” [Repeat until camera runs out of film or the end-times descend upon us in a cleansing rain of hot blood.]

It appears that Angelina Jolie hoodwinked us all into believing that she is a working actress—a movie star, even!—when she is really just a thin person with a baby addiction and a famous father.

Salt is blissfully terrible. It’s essentially a film adaptation of J. J. Abrams’s Alias—a show about a hot lady sleeper agent who goes rogue after her boss kills her boyfriend. Evelyn Salt (Jolie) is a hot lady sleeper agent who goes rogue after her boss kills her boyfriend. As usual, the Russians are still mad about the Cold War. When one of said Russians comes to the CIA headquarters and accuses Salt of being a mole, which she kind of is—OR IS SHE!?—Salt goes on the run to try and prove her innocence—OR HER GUILT.

Salt is preposterous in all the un-funnest of ways. Jolie cannot act. She runs like a drunk daddy longlegs, all elbows and gangle, pausing sometimes to strike a menacing fourth-grader’s karate stance. She wanly shouts things like “Somebody is going to try to kill the Russian president! Do something about that!” She sneaks into the White House wearing a fake rubber face (SURELY the Secret Service is trained to check for those!). With the CIA hot on her heels, she takes time out of her day to MILK A SPIDER. Sample dialogue, chosen at random: “Oh, I believe in moles, all right. Just not the boogeyman. Especially if their plan is to kill the president.”

I never want to watch this woman in anything ever again. Unless, of course, it’s an episode of Hoarders in which the therapist has to coax her to give up the baby she’s got stashed in her gigantic puffy lip pouch like a lump of chew. I would watch the shit out of that. recommended

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

33 replies on “Salt: More Like Womb Raider, Amirite?”

  2. Also Chiwetel Ejiofor stars as FBI Agent Most Likely to Lose the Top Suspect in Traffic Like Nine Times.

    But anyway, Chiwetel Ejiofor is my boyfriend.

  4. I would not pay two cents to see an Angelie Jolie film. She’s the new(ish) Jennifer Lopez and will soon be eclipsed by someone just as vacuous and socially useless, only more current. Hopefully sooner than later.

  5. Lindy, you are clearly oblivious as to how hot Angelina Jolie is. Angelina Jolie is so hot, she is one of perhaps 3 women on the planet that I would go straight for. That’s how hot she is.

    This movie is completely stupid, of course. Anyone who has seen the trailer or a commercial already knows this. Any success it has at all will be owed entirely to Angelina Jolie’s looks and charisma. And since I’ve already gone on and on about her hotness, I predict this movie will make serious bank.

  7. @5: I have been informed by many straight women that they would go gay for the day if given a shot at Angelina Jolie. That is also how hot she is.

  9. Have you heard of a thing called hurricane Katrina and what she did down there with her husband. I am so sick of artists, writers, and theatre big fish in small ponds being so negative to anything that is well known. When they are just oblivious. She is and always will have done more good for this world than anyone I have ever seen write or post here. And that includes that old skinny chicken hawk who Ashton Kutcher will never talk to .. or e-mail again…

  11. *was* hot

    now she just looks weird. too much plastic surgery, botox and the air of desperation that follows a starlet as she approaches menopause.

  12. The movie was brain-dead fun and she is just amazing. Bad, jealous reviewer. Very, very bad.. . and nobody gives a rat’s patoot if she ‘stole’ whatserbutt’s man. You can’t steal people from other people who don’t own them.

  13. Lindy, I’m sure you have many wonderful qualities, but since when is attacking one of the player’s public persona considered legitimate film criticism?

  14. @5- I’d go straight for her, too- pure hotness, plain and simple.
    Lindy- I love your reviews, but this, as pointed out by 13, is not a review. Nonetheless, you’re probably right.

  15. Gia was a really good movie.

    So mainstream action movies based around the good looks and charisma of major celebrities have dumb plots and poor character development…where have you been living for the last 30 years? This same movie is made with increasingly crusty male leads all the time.

    Can we hear about movies you actually like/find interesting sometime Lindy? I would be really interested in your recommendations, and you could even still write them in your sarcastic to the 8millionth power persona that all the stranger readers adore so profusely.

  16. The only straight women I know who have professed intense lust for Angelina Jolie are all in AA or NA and/or have lots and lots of serious emotional issues.

    Of course, this is just my own anecdotal experience, but I just think it’s weird that I don’t know any well-adjusted women who find her attractive.

  17. Damn, did she steal your lunch or something as a kid? I’ve never read a review where the reviewer has such an obvious dislike of the film star before. How can anyone take anything you say seriously when you start the review of the film going on a diatribe about the personal life of the star?

  19. that was not a movie review it was a hateful, bitter hit piece.
    seek professional help lindy. there are some really great people out there who can help you turn that bitter, angry frown upside down.

  21. Also, very good in Wanted. Why so much bitterness? People fall in love, marriages end, spouses get hurt, people move on…

  22. Honestly, it’s not Angelina’s fault that her current partner was previously married and it ended badly. That happens to a lot of people.

    If she just sucked in the movie, why not just say so, and stop talking about Brad’s divorce in the movie review. Also, they only have six kids–which is a lot by today’s standards, but not if you’re rich and can afford nannies. So… again, if she sucked in the movie, just say so.

  23. Angelina Jolie looks weird. Too much cheekbone and too much lip. She’s way too scrawny from the neck down, too. They must have given her a push-up bra in Pushing Tin, because she was never that busty before or since.

  26. Lindy I love you usually but that was kind of lame. I will now go back to reading your review for SATC2 again, or the one for Avatar or even the one for The Game Plan, to restore my admiration for you. those reviews were funny, and they had a point too. this one, not so much. better luck next time.

  28. I’m kind of bemused by all of the people who think that Lindy doesn’t like Angelina Jolie because of Jennifer Anniston. I’d be willing to bet 50 bucks that Lindy doesn’t give a shit about Jennifer Anniston either.

  29. OMG Lindy. You have sunk to a new low and are on the edge of perpetual lameness. Your only salvation will be a really good review in the future. Right now you are sounding like at some undisclosed moment Jolie turned her face from you. If you really want to write reviews for papers that readers find both interesting and informing, then get off the “I don’t like the movie because I dislike the personal life and times of the actor” kick. OH DEAR, it just occurred to me that isn’t your goal in life and you are using the title “Movie Critic” as an excuse to pen drivel. Whether or not AJ has 6 or 60 kids has nothing to do with her movies. A good review might have mentioned a handful of items such as Tinsel-Town selling a really bad script on the draw of a powerhouse in the gossip mags, or on the back of current spy scandals or other such things. How about some comments on real movie stuff, ie editing, the script, direction, costars. As I recall there are some other people in the film.

    Hey 16. Since when are gay women not well adjusted. What goes with lumping them in with straight women who need help? What needs adjusting dear is your attitude.

  31. Oh, crap. While reading this, I thought it had to have been written by somebody who was trying to sound like Lindy but who was far off-base and trying to hard.

    I guess I was wrong.

  32. This review made me kind of sad. It seems kind of woman-hating. Angelina Jolie adopting kids? lolololol. The jokes in this entire review are stale and mean-spirited.

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