According to a neon sign in the window, Von’s Grand City Cafe &
Martini-Manhattan Memorial has the best martini in town. Everybody
knows neon doesn’t lie, but mere blocks away, Oliver’s in the
Mayflower Park Hotel holds the title for “Seattle’s Best Classic
Martini,” won (suspiciously) at the annual martini-olympiad held on its
own premises. Tini Bigs exhibits more modesty, calling itself
“Seattle’s Second Best Cocktail Bar” and leaving the whole first-best
thing up to you (though now that Jamie Boudreau is mixing drinks there,
it’s a lot closer to best than before).
Indisputably, Von’s house martini costs $3.50 all day, every day.
This is also specified in neon; the printed menu adds, “For the
Discerning Martini Imbiber (no returns).” (Also on the menu: a
shout-out to porkglomerate Hormel, whose product is sometimes
showcased in the Radiant Roaster™ Fruitwood Smoker™
Horizontal Spit Roaster™ with the 18 Hour Flavor Cycle™,
which is that cabinet facing the sidewalk with the orange light bulbs.)
Von’s martini is made with McCormick gin, the low, low retail value of
which explains both the three-fifty and the satisfaction unguaranteed.
(The website ginandtacos
.com calls McCormick “awful, awful gin…
Christ-punchingly bad.”) A sample martini is bracing (in the
manner of gasoline fumes) and very close to cold enough.
Von’s other drink specials are determined by the Wagering
Wheel™, a game show–style device that is spun
approximately on the half-hour. While you may ask to be the spinner, no
one does. The spinning takes place with so little ceremony, it seems to
happen by itself, a stealthy, unseen hand changing the bargain from a
$2.50 unspecified rum and Coke to a $3.75 Grey Goose melontini. The
wheel does not take much advantage of Seattle’s Largest Spirit
Collection™, totaling 674 on a sign outside (in chalk to allow
for updating). To sit at the bar is to marvel at the bottles,
illuminated brilliantly, like 674 beacons of varying promise. The
selection ranges from difficult-to-find-and-pronounce Scotches (Bruichladdich) to distressing novelty vodkas (p.i.n.k., Pearl,
Pinnacle, and Hendrix Electric—Von’s has 132 vodkas, the mere
existence of which indicates that the end is nigh).
Von’s has the feel of a higher-end chain—somewhere between a
brewpub and a steak house—of the
miscellaneous-stuff-stuck-to-the-ceiling variety. Affiliated
restaurants: Sharp’s Roaster in SeaTac and Grand Roaster in Wenatchee.
Stuff: a Barnes & Noble sign, skis, the door of a cop cruiser, a
small totem pole. A digital sign counts down the remaining time until
Christmas by 1/10ths of a second. The lighting, aside from the
behind-the-bar brightness, flatters redly; the businessmen and
tourists and miscellaneous persons caught in this eddy of the retail
core appear happy to be here. In an economy gone wrong, who’s to say
what best is? 
Von’s, 619 Pine St, 621-8667.
Who can beat a $3.50 martini???? I heard they were even handing out $.75 martini cards to help boost the economy.
Thanks for the great coverage. Maybe you can do the food court at the mall next. Tha’d be so ironic!
Who’s to say what best is? If you are afraid to, let somebody else who has a clue. Pleeeeease.
Von’s was the ONLY bar I’ve ever been kicked out of. And for NO REASON! (And there HAVE been many reasons for why I should be kicked out of a bar.) Argh…every time I walk by there I still spit.
A $3.50 martini? Yeah, if you like Monarch!
Julian: I am not afraid. The “Christ-punchingly bad” quote and reference to gasoline fumes are meant to give a sense of what Von’s $3.50 martini is like. The best martini is probably made oneself, to one’s own specifications (and frugal, too—have a couple!). But here’s info on good martinis out in the world. Also fine choices: the lobby bar at the Fairmont and ART lounge at the new Four Seasons.
a great martini at a great price is one thing. However, what you described at Von’s is utterly shit! You aren’t in college anymore, so don’t drink shitty alcohol. Instead, seek out some great happy hour martinis! Jesus did the Stranger pay you to write that article? It’s almost as bad as reading another god-damn hummus review! Get some real taste and dig a little deeper! Here’s a tip for all you poor Schmucks out there, for $5.00. you can drink a Kettle One or Bombay Saphire martini at Icon Grille. (during happy hour only). Now, that’s a great martini at a cheap price!
I haven’t been to Von’s, but I did spend a couple hours at Sharp’s Roasters by SEA-TAC that has the similar wheel of drink(death).
I had some sort of shitty bbq pork or chicken, and a bunch of the rum and coke specials, followed by whisky.
After getting properly slizzered, I made one of my better drunken brilliant moves.
I was able to drive the rental car back to Avis, get on my flight back to Atlanta and sleep soundly the whole way there, didn’t even bother to eat any peanuts.
Julian, does a writer really have to say “This Martini sucks!” to get a point across? I think Ms. Clement’s likening the smell to gasoline does make her position quite clear. And I love the “Christ-punchingly bad” quote.
Thank you for the links. I’ll shut my mouth.
OMG Kip you are not only an expert on assholes, “bums”, all manner of vermin and sacks of sit your also an expert on grain and potato base beverages? Wow, and here I was thinking you are just another washed up old drunk.
Oh yea, with a palate as well developed as yours you’d better stop blogging and get you ass out of foreclosure or you will have to start drinking fortified wine out of a bottle wrapped in a brown bag… It is a sight I would not mind seeing. Karma can be such a bitch.