If you call the new Hard Rock Cafe in downtown Seattle, you might get this answer: “Hard Rock Cafe, this is Pete—how can I rock you?” Each and every Hard Rocker—this is what employees are called, according to a sign in the bathroom directing them to wash their hands—is so upbeat, it ought to be illegal. When you walk in, a guy with a tiger-striped fauxhawk is liable to half-shout, “Hey-guys-how’re-you-doing!” When asked in turn about his state of mind, it may be: “FANTASTIC, now that you’re here,” without a glimmer of irony.
At the bar, a blond bartender recommends her favorite drink to two women: It is fruity and amazing and makes you feel like you’re sitting on the beach, she says with conviction. It’s a Hurricane; it comes in a take-home souvenir glass. Sold! A guy asks about beer; she says, “I like Stella, because I like what everybody else likes.” He is swiftly guided to another souvenir glass, one with a complicated explanation involving free refills; it sounds like an undeniably good deal. (She also explains that he will receive a clean, boxed glass to take home: “That’s awesome,” he says sincerely.) Getting out of here without a souvenir glass takes an iron will.
The Seattle Hard Rock Cafe is half a block from the Pike Place Market, where a pawnshop and a peep show used to be. The multinational chain (“Anti-established” in 1971 in London) of the Great 1980s T-Shirt Proliferation is on the march again, with 162 outlets in 52 countries; the corporation’s rock-memorabilia collection (rotated through the outlets) numbers 70,000-plus items. Visible from the bar: the drums of Sean Kinney of Alice in Chains and an empty display case meant for a guitar (placard: “TOO MUCH IS NEVER ENOUGH”). Another bartender, all in black with a stocking cap, studded belt, and chinstrap beard, shares his ambition to work at the franchise opening in Dubai. He’d never been to a Hard Rock before last summer. He is stoked.
The upscale glam-diner look of yesteryear’s Hard Rocks is out; exposed timbers and brick are in. (Some have compared the upstairs—a 477-capacity club/music venue—to the new Crocodile, but the Croc doesn’t have Jimi Hendrix’s man-purse. There’s also a roof deck with glowing tabletop gas fireplaces.) The place is busy on a Wednesday night, and the crowd doesn’t look like Pike Place Market tourists—more like a shipment of twenty- and thirtysomethings from any upscale mall in America.
For $14.95, you get a merely adequate mushroom and Swiss burger and fries, the former on the rare side with notably parsimonious toppings. The menu instructs you to “Tell your taste buds to get ready to rock.” This is not necessary. 
Hard Rock Cafe, 116 Pike St, 204-2233
God. Help. Us.
Were they wearing flair? If so, how many pieces? Did you try the extreme fajitas, or jalapeno poppers?
A. Fuck the Hard Rock Cafe to eternal damnation in the fires of hell for taking over a LANDMARK diner in Honolulu called Coco’s (I even have a painting of the place from the ’60s).
B. Their burgers are renowned as rocks in subterranean buns.
C. FUCK THE HARD ROCK CAFE. Now they’ve infiltrated this great town.
For a good burger in a locally-owned venue for less than $15 try:
Lunchbox Laboratory
Zippy’s
Red Mill
http://tinyurl.com/ye92l3h
@3, well they could go the way of Planet Hollywood, if we’re lucky.
Sadly, they may do well for awhile at least since they are at the heart of touristville by the Market. I don’t see many locals going there except for the recent implants living in Belltown or Downtown. (And you all know you need to live in Seattle for at least 10 years before you can claim to be a local right?)
BTW Bethany, I’ve been at the Hard Rock Cafe and nearly puked due to the hyper corporatized “customer service”. What did they pay the Stranger for such a glowing review?
I can’t get too outraged about a tourist trap in the most touristy part of the city. Locals will complain but this is the same as the cheesecake factory, spaghetti factory, hooters, etc. Shit, my mom will probably want to go here the next time she visits.
Hilarious review.
So I can still go there and beat off, yes or no?
On sunny days I will non-ironically adore the roofdeck.
I am so angry about a Hard Rock Cafe in my city. Let me tell you all about it.
@10. Absolutely.
For me it would be cool to go into and look around/see a cool band play but I don’t have any want in eating the food.
Kind of like my feelings with Planet Hollywood (especially the one @ Downtown Disney, Florida). Cool to look at/inside, mediocre meals/drinks that I could pay less for elsewhere/make at home.
Why even bother reviewing this place? It’s painfully obvious you knew exactly what you were going to write before you stepped in the doors.
@7 – did this really seem like a glowing review to you? Did you read the same review I did?
@15: I actually thought the food would be slightly better and the atmosphere would be much worse, and the aggressive cheer of the staff was something I would never have anticipated—I really don’t know how they get them to behave that way, presumably for fairly crummy pay. Also, I write about a bar every goddamn week, so I like to mix it up.
@16: Thank you. I too am confused by this reaction.
Something like 300 people apllied and interviewed to work there (according to a friend who was rejected).
Maybe having a job at all in this climate is the reason for their attitude.
@4 May I invite your attention to Two Bells in Belltown.
I was always kinda proud that a rock ‘n roll city like Seattle was too cool for a shitty chain restaurant based on a commercialized version of rock ‘n roll.
I hate service like that. I had the misfortune of dining at Bugaboo Creek a couple times and I felt like killing the waitstaff. It wouldn’t have been murder, it would have been mercy.
@18 -good point. jobs! commerce=taxes=services. not a bad thing.
@8 -i agree. anywhere else and it wouldn’t stand a chance.
now, maybe they could get a little lovin if they sold Beer from the Pike Place brewery across the street. and coffee from a local roaster that isn’t starbucks. and so on. the HR has so little to do with music, but i’ll say this: when you’ve been traveling, and are sick from eating weird food, the HR is the one place you can count on in (Mexico City, Jakarta, insert your city here) that you can get a ceaser salad and a milkshake and not walk out sicker than you walked in. will i visit this one? of course not.
Mike Mecklin proabably brought these guys into town.
@10, yes, try the beef sliders
Cool. Sounds like the roof top should be nice in the summer.
@18 and 21. They didn’t even hire locally. A friend that went to a preview opening there was told by a staff member that he and most of the others there had been brought in from other Hard Rocks.
If they were good jobs I’d be inclined as to call bullshit on not hiring locally, but the food industry seems to be one of those industries where, if you work hard, you can always find a job.
Its Hooters with guitars. Tourists will go there and think it has a significant relationship to Seattle, though Hendrix’s man purse is the only real ties it has to our city or our music scene. I’ll forget its even there just like I did with the Fox Sports Bar.
@19 Yes! Two Bells has one of the best burgers in town! Great place and real Seattle. I try to never go to national chains (corp shit w/$ going out of state to stock holders), but roof-top decks trump convictions on sunny days in Seattle. Yes I can be bought. I wish the Croc had worked that into their remodel!
what a lame place. i really thought the stranger would actually offer an opinion on the lameness but instead offered a review one might find in a hotel lobby suggesting what to do around town. f*&# the hard rock. it’s taking a bite out of the already overpopulated indie music venue scene in seattle. the hard rock is a soul less corporate giant trying to mask it’s vapidity with seattle rock n roll memorabilia. go away hard rock. you offend my seattle sensibilities.
NEXT – the big ad campaign in the Stranger.
It’s no worse than the EMP…
@ all you crying babies-
Who gives a shit. There are hundreds of other places you could go. Even without the hard rock 1st and Pike is the most tourist ridden area of the city, and therefore the most annoying. Most locals dont ever go there.
It makes tourists happy, it brings in more money. Good for the city, and therefore good for you.
Stop whining. Seattle is a CITY. It cannot survive without shitty restaurants, tourists and East Siders paying astronomical prices and taxes for a more urban home. Sorry to tell you- but tiny venues, the hummus party you just had, and the shitty holga photos you took to sell as ‘art’ are not going to power this cities economy.
I was born and raised here. And I could not be more tired of grown ass adults crying over the fact that their city takes part in capitalism, including the ugly parts like corporate bullshit restaurants.
If you want to live somewhere that is never going to be affected by corporate greed- start a commune on the fucking moon.
My Favorite aspect of the Hard Rock are the vibra action pagers strapped to every employee.
I suspect on the slower nights these gadgets will eventually be modified and zany Hard Rock hijinks will ensue.
Hmmm… maybe I should fill out an application.
I really don’t have an issue with it. My girlfriend and I, yes we are in Belltown, have been there a few times and had nothing but awesome service and great food.
I guess that’s what you get for not acting like an uppity asshole when you first walk into the restaurant..
And who says it takes 10 years to be a local. I’ve lived here for just over 5 years now and am more involved in the community than 90% of you so called “locals” out there.
Readers of The Stranger must be hardened skeptics with tightly closed minds…either that, they may be toughest critics this side of Gordon Ramsay or the Michelin Restaurant review. LIGHTEN UP!
Yeah fuck the Hard Rock! And while we’re at it, fuck Nintentdo, Amazon, Starbucks and oh yeah MICROSOFT!!!! Everyone should just accept it and stop being so god damn cynical. Just because it’s corporate, doesn’t mean it’s all bad. I little cheesy, sure, but come on! It’s not that big of a deal. Fucking relax people, there’re some really great bands playing there in the next few months, so I recommend you go. Let’s try and not be those snobby stereotypical elitist Seattlites anymore, I’m fucking tired of it! And this is comeing from someone who only used to listen to underground punk in the 90’s. I get the mentality, trust me. Thank you.