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- CEREAL: It’s not for breakfast anymore.
“Cereal, that bedrock of the American breakfast, has lost some of its snap, crackle and pop,” begins a nearly 1,500-word story on cereal in the nation’s paper of record this week. It turns out cereal consumption peaked in the ’90s, everyone loves yogurt now, and also we don’t eat breakfast anymore anyways, and also something about cereal demographics, and so the New York Times is onto this very serious news/trend story. (Seriously, go read it, you just keeeep scrolling foreeevverrrrr.)
They interview people. About breakfast. Why did they choose these people? Unclear. But still. These are Americans, and they do not eat cereal anymore, god damn it. Like this Adam fellow:
As a child, Adam Feuerstein started his day with a homemade breakfast. “Growing up, I would combine Frosted Flakes and Cap’n Crunch,” said Mr. Feuerstein, a financial reporter at The Street. “I have such vivid memories of it that if I walk down the cereal aisle today, I still gravitate toward those cereals.”
But now? Dude only rarely eats cereal. And only from Trader Joe’s. And only as a “treat.”
Also:
Daniel Bjornson travels four days a week as a consultant, and he likes to eat cut fruit and toast with peanut butter while on the road. “If I’m just at home, it would be Greek yogurt,” he said. “I don’t dislike cereal, but yogurt just seems like a healthier option.”
He bought some cereal three months ago that had extra protein, but that’s it.
And there’s nothing Big Cereal can do to win back this one:
All of those changes, however, would not make a difference to Megan Scott, an account executive at Trozzolo, an advertising and public relations firm in Kansas City, Mo. “I really value my sleep, so typically I won’t wake up any earlier to eat breakfast,” Ms. Scott said.
WHY DO WE CARE ABOUT ADAM AND DANIEL AND MEGAN AND THEIR YOGURT AND SLEEP CYCLES? There is a color chart about cereal trends—”family cereals,” “flaked cereals,” “muesli,” etc. (Muesli consumption is up 1.3 percent over the last decade, you’ll be so relieved to note.) There is mention of newfangled kitchen gadgets that make smoothies so easy and new breakfast trends that beat cereal for entertainment value, like the “waffle taco” (which certainly sounds like a sex move, please invent that). There are two different beautifully lit photographs by two different photographers of, well, just dudes eating some breakfast in their kitchens. Of course, we get the inside industry perspective. Did you know General Mills’s “cereal unit” is named “Big G”? “Some of my business has definitely gone to my colleague running yogurt,” says the president of Big G. Fie upon thee, yogurt runner!
I’m sorry, I don’t know if you can tell, but this insane article about cereal has really captured my imagination. Did they realize they were writing self-parody with this carefully phrased, well-reported trend piece on some white dude in a polo shirt who likes Greek yogurt? Can they so straight-facedly be presenting sentences full of information like “Adults account for almost half of the consumption of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, for instance” and an executive lamenting “disappointing sales of Mini-Wheats Crunch”? Maybe I’ve gone around the bend—or maybe I’m just really tired—but I find this crunch-vestigation intensely funny. I can’t tell if it’s just me. What say you, Slog?