To the haphazard brass band marching up and down E. Olive Way playing “Careless Whisper” for hours on a TUESDAY night: Thanks for letting me know I am, in fact, getting too old for Capitol Hill’s antics.
I moved into my apartment for less than $1,000 per month in 2021. I always said I’d hang onto this unit forever. But as I laid awake at midnight listening to your twelfth shoddy rendition of “Careless Whisper,” I realized that I AM getting old. But, any way you slice it, playing music that loud and long on a weeknight is rude.
I hope all your phone chargers die.
Do you need to get something off your chest? Submit an I, Anonymous and we’ll illustrate it! Send your unsigned rant, love letter, confession, or accusation to ianonymous@thestranger.com. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and the guilty.

So, what you’re saying is, you’re never gonna dance again?
Great close!
This song you mention, Careless Whispers, was written by this guy with two first names. George Michael. It’s like, Hey I cannot decide what my first name is so I will pretend like i I can’t think of a last name so I’ll put two stupid white guy first names together and then make a lot of stupid pop songs that a bunch of dummies will play and annoy people with. Cool. You can google the lyrics, terrible lyrics of course.
Adam Scott
Elton John
Matt Damon
Anderson Cooper
Ricky Martin
Amy Adams
Max George
Rachel Zoe
Sean William Scott (trifecta)
Kevin James
Peter Alexander
There are a billion others. Just a few examples.
It’s funny, like, OK, I need to make up a fake name for myself, so I am way too lazy to think up one with a real first and last name so I’ll just have two first names.
It’s super stupid.