Last Month This Month

Last Month This Month is a recap of all the previous month’s news, featuring headlines from Slog AM. Find it in every issue of The Stranger! Subscribe to our daily Slog AM newsletter here.

July’s headlines were filled with death—135 people (including dozens of children) died in Texas flooding, Ozzy “Prince of Darkness” Osbourne passed away just weeks after Black Sabbath’s farewell concert, as if he knew when his time would come, and racist wrestling legend Hulk Hogan did a running leg drop into the afterworld. Here’s what else happened.

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Those headlines weren’t a fever dream. Florida really did build a concentration camp in the fucking Everglades. When Trump visited the site in early July, he said, “This is what you need. A lot of bodyguards and a lot of cops in the form of alligators.” We did not make that quote up.

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Bryan Kohberger, the most obvious murderer since O.J. Si…uh, Lee Harvey Oswald, pleaded guilty to murdering four University of Idaho students. The deal saved him from the death penalty. Capital punishment is disgusting, and we don’t find breathless murder coverage entertaining, but watching the evidence pile up against Kohberger was something else. 

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Did you hear about the guy using pizza orders to track Pentagon activity? It’s called the Pentagon Pizza Report, and he really did find that more pizza orders equal impending military action. The other thing that’s getting tracked at the Pentagon? Genitals! Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wants to make sure everyone’s using the right potty. But no homo. Or hetero, for that matter. It’s not sexual. AT ALL! 

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You know what else isn’t sexual? Beautiful buxom birthday cards to your creepy bestie you have “certain things in common” with, in hopes that every day will be “another wonderful secret.” President Donald Trump denies ever having drawn a picture. He is in fact a compulsive doodler, pairing nicely with Jeffrey Epstein, a compulsive diddler. 

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In no particular order, an abridged list of Epstein news: The FBI has the complete Epstein video, US Attorney General Pam Bondi says Trump’s name is in the files, Trump keeps telling reporters his name was “planted,” Trump says Epstein ended their fiend-ship when he “stole” Mar-a-Lago’s spa employee Virginia Giuffre from him, Epstein’s accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell wants Trump to pardon her. He just might.

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Speaking of assholes seeking Trump pardons for sex crimes, the Diddy trial came to a conclusion, and though he was found not guilty of some of the bigger charges, including sex trafficking and racketeering conspiracy, he was convicted of transporting people for prostitution and faces up to 20 years in prison. He’ll be sentenced in October.

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Between Paramount deciding to axe Stephen Colbert’s Late Show and Congress decimating funding for public radio and broadcasting, it’s been a bad month for media. At least we have South Park? This is what #democracy looks like. 

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Chris Martin of Coldplay exposed a CEO’s affair with his head of HR on a Jumbotron. Canoodling is not a crime, but the internet skewering still followed. Now stadiums across the country are doing “Coldplay Cams.” Thanks for the latest in surveillance culture, cheaters! 

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Paul Dans, a chief architect of the Heritage Foundation’s Project 2025, is challenging the Republican party’s most eligible bachelor: Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. Dans, who looks like Mark Cuban, if something bad happened. formally announced his campaign in Charleston at the end of July. 

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We are a dog city—a dog county, really. So it’s no surprise Sound Transit’s board green lit policy to let leashed pooches on light rail trains. The new dog decree was born out of the freshly minted Marymoor Village Station, which is close to the 40-acre off-leash area in Marymoor Park. “It’s time for walkies,” Sound Transit board Chair Dave Somers really said. We hate that he said that. 

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Florida police arrested a man for credit card fraud while he was at his job. Unfortunately, his job was dressing up as a big gray mouse. You may know him. “Chuck E., come with me,” said the cops as they entered a Tallahassee Chuck E. Cheese. You can’t trust anyone these days. Not even Chuck. 

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THING, the music festival, cancelled its upcoming showcase for Latino and Spanish-language artists due to concerns about Immigrations and Customs Enforcement. THING says ticket sales dipped over community safety concerns, and they were uncertain which artists could secure visas. They’re not alone. The Duwamish River and Pacific Northwest Folklórico Festivals were also cancelled over ICE concerns. 

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Big Dumper, or to the uninformed, Cal Raleigh, or to the really uninformed, the Mariners’ catcher, or to the extraordinarily uninformed, the guy who stands behind the batter in T-
Mobile Park, dumped loads of home runs on the people of Atlanta during this year’s Major League Baseball Home Run Derby. He’s also caked. This preeminence has garnered Mr. Dumper a big juicy ad deal with Honey Bucket. He’s the face and ass of the porta potty company. A perfect plastic throne for His Dumpness and his thick backside. 

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Seattle City Council appointed Debora Juarez to replace Cathy Moore, after she left her spot on the dais on July 7, placing Juarez in her old City Council seat for the next 16 months. For transplants and the forgetful, Juarez was the first Indigenous councilmember. While charmingly foul-mouthed and on the unpredictable side, Juarez fits right into the current conservative brat pack. Welcome back?

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Ferg Down! Washington voters think Governor Bob Ferguson sucks. According to a Cascade PBS/Elway poll, his approval rating at the six-month mark is the lowest for a Washington governor since 1993. The middling centrist politics are not working, dorkass! Trying to please everyone pleases no one. 

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After an 8.8-magnitude earthquake rocked Eastern Russia, tsunami alerts inundated Pacific Coast cities. At the time of this writing, no giant waves have plowed into any coastlines. 

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We’re sorry to report that they’re making a Project Hail Mary movie. Normally, we give a book at least 45 pages. But we stopped on page 4, around the fourth paragraph about the narrator pulling a space tube out of his ass. But now we get to see Ryan Gosling do that. And you thought Pride was over!

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The City’s “abatement plan” for the gay nude beach Denny Blaine Park has threaded the needle in a way only Seattle can: listening for years and disappointing everyone in the end. They want to divide the park into a naked and clothed area, which isn’t enough for the never-nude neighbors and cuts back on park space for the always-nude parkgoers. A (more spacious) naked DMZ was floated by the city once before, but beachgoers rejected it as a concession they didn’t have to make. After all, public nudity is legal in Seattle. Let the people hang lips and dong, damn it. 

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Hot Rat Summer lives to see another sweaty day. The unsanctioned saintly rodent mosaic in Cal Anderson Park will be allowed to exist—nay, flourish—in our gay little park forever. Councilmembers Alexis Mercedes Rinck and Joy Hollingsworth pinky promised. Go forth and make more weird, beautiful animal art. 

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The Pacific Science Center announced that its huge mechanical dinosaurs will lose their jobs after Labor Day. They are being replaced. Not by AI. Even worse. By spiders.