Home Alone's former child star Macaulay Culkin and his Velvet Underground parody band, the Pizza Underground, were going to do an interview, but they saw the questions I prepared and "unfortunately" became "unavailable." So I took the same questions and gave them to Lou Reed instead. Lou is a warehouse officer and night stocker for the QFC in Lake City. He doesn't really know the other Lou Reed's music that well, and he was not aware that the 33-year-old Culkin had started a meta-novelty meme band singing versions of Velvet Undergound songs about pizza. I explained to him that the Pizza Underground hand out pizzas at shows, and the songs are stonerish sing-along medleys. Recently, they released an EP on Daytrotter. Culkin plays a kazoo, someone hits a pizza box for percussion, and there is guitar and glockenspiel. The Velvet Underground's "Beginning to See the Light" becomes "Beginning to Eat the Slice," and "These Days" becomes "Cheese Days." Some Pizza Underground shows feature dancing to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" with a backdrop of cat photos. Also, a guy has sung Nirvana songs in the past tense as "Kurt Cobained" where the lyrics to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" become "There we were then/Entertained us." With the Pizza Underground, Macaulay Culkin further sheds his haunting child- actor persona. It's his version of Miley Cyrus's tongue-out twerking rampage. Here's what Lou Reed had to say.

What's your favorite Velvet Underground song? When was the first time you heard it? What did it make you think?

The "Femme Fatale" one. I used to work the graveyard shift with a guy loading trucks, and he would sing it at least once a shift. He listened to music on headphones and sang out loud to the songs he knew. The first time I heard it was him singing it. His name was either Dan or Don. He was like six foot eight and would wear a bright orange camo headband. He had long mullet-hair in the back, too. He couldn't sing for shit, but I liked hearing him sing that song, and I remember the words: "She's just a little tease/She's a femme fatale/See the way she walks/Hear the way she talks."

At what point did you decide to do a pizza-themed Velvet Underground band? How did the idea materialize? What are you saying to the world?

So the kid from Home Alone sings Velvet Underground songs about pizza? And they're coming to town? He must not have that much to do. I'd say it materialized when he smoked too much Purple Haze marijuana. He's saying to the world, "I'm bored and I do drugs." [Laughs]

I love the kazoo element. Why did you choose to play kazoo?

He chose kazoo because he can't play anything else.

Instead of "I'm Waiting for the Man," you've got "I'm Waiting for the Delivery Man." What are some other Velvet Underground to Pizza Underground transformations?

Man, I don't know. Is that supposed to be funny? The pizza thing isn't funny to me. People like it? And pay money to see it?

What about doing "Heroin" as "Estrogen"? Estrooogen. I've kind of always wanted someone to do that. I know it's not necessarily pizza-themed, but maybe the pizza could be made by Hillary Clinton.

I like Hillary Clinton. I think she'd be a good president. I know that "Heroin" song, too. You could also make it "Haaarison" and have it be about Harrison Ford making pizzas. I heard he's a huge stoner, too. Like in Star Wars, he was totally high the whole time on some medicinal-level weed. Princess Leia was high, too. Did you hear they're making another Star Wars with the original actors? What are they, 70 years old now?

Have you ever vaped upside down in a walk-in meat freezer hanging next to a slab of cow on a hook? Kids are doing it—it's called "flank steaking."

You showed this question to the Home Alone guy?

Yeah. Pretty sure this one was the reason he didn't do it.

I bet my daughter's boyfriend does that meat-freezer thing. He does all that shit. She needs to dump him.

What separates the Pizza Underground from other pizza bands, like Personal and the Pizzas?

How many pizza bands are there?

What do you think the Velvet Underground would think about the Pizza Underground?

I think the Velvet Underground would think the Pizza Underground is the dumbest shit on the planet. I can't believe this is what the Home Alone guy is doing now. Are there any child stars that don't turn out to be complete fuckups? He'll be on one of the celebrity rehab shows soon. Or has he already done one?

Andrei Linde's inflation theory of the big bang was supposedly proven correct recently. Meaning the big bang happened, and they have proof on a computer. What are your thoughts?

I would have loved to hear the Home Alone guy answer this one. If it's just on a computer, how does that stand for proof? I don't ever understand why people spend so much time trying to figure out things like this. What's it going to change? I think all these scientists should be spending their time trying to figure out how to fix the ozone and solve our energy problem. My cousin is a paraplegic. I wish they could figure out how to fix his spine.

If the big bang happened, then Genesis in the Bible didn't happen. How does the Pizza Underground react to this? The world is ready for the Pizza Underground's version of creation. Maybe we could segue this into "Invisible Touch" by the band Genesis.

I don't think the world is ready for the Pizza Underground's version of anything. I know that Genesis song. Good segue.

What do you say to people who don't understand the Pizza Underground?

I say I agree with them.

Where will Pizza Underground go from here? What's next? Nico-themed songs about burritos? You could call yourselves DeBarge. Instead of doing "Rhythm of the Night," you could do "Circumcision of the Night." Just throwing it out there.

The trash can is where the Pizza Underground need to go. These people obviously have some time on their hands. Maybe the Home Alone guy could go back to school. Do some good. Circumcision, yeah. He could become a urologist and travel to third world countries donating his time to helping people. recommended