Grease and Cheese

Show me a person who says he hates pizza, and I’ll call him a goddamn liar. Pizza is the great equalizer. There’s fancy Neapolitan pizza, er, “pizza napoletana,” and good ol’ frozen Totino’s Pizza Rolls. And you know what? You’re NOT gonna kick either one out of your mouth—no way.

Personal & the Pizzas probably sound a lot more like Totino’s than Via Tribunali, but that’s the way it should be. The greasy trio of Jersey thugs describe themselves as “one Ramones riff + one Stooges riff + really dumb words.” They wear their influences perhaps too proudly on their leather and jean-jacketed sleeves, but it doesn’t make them any less addictive or fun. And if you don’t like fun, I don’t trust you any more than those fake-ass pizza haters.

So you guys are from Jersey? Have you ever met Snooki or Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino from Jersey Shore?
Yeah, we’re from Jersey. Me and [bassist] Dildo met in Brooklyn at a pizza joint called Carmine’s Original. Dildo was wearin’ a Ramones shirt, and I was wearin’ a Stooges shirt, and we was both gettin’ regular slices. We saw each other and were like, “Heyyy!” Never met that Snooki broad… whatta tramp! I do think “The Situation” might be a cousin on my mother’s side, though.

“GTL” is Jersey Shore slang for “gym, tan, laundry”—is that part of the Pizzas routine?
The only “gym” we know is Jimmy D. down at Rolon’s Bar in Jersey City. Whatta dick! No tan ’cause I wear my jacket 24/7. I do got a red neck, though. What the hell is laundry? You mean like washin’ jeans or somethin’?

For being a band from New Jersey, you seem to play in San Francisco a lot.
Yeah, SO WHAT?!

So what other Bay Area bands do you like?
Ah, um, Metallica, Exodus, Fang, Wild Thing, Crime, and Outdoorsmen.

You’re playing here with the Spits. How do you know them? Have you played together before?
I know the Spits from Michigan. Good ol’ boys. Yeah, we played with ’em in Stockholm—ON A BOAT! Before the show, I boiled a big bucket of tomatoes, so they were all nice and soft, and we started whippin’ ’em at the crowd. Frickin’ hilarious! Then they startin’ whippin’ ’em back. Full-on tomato fight! It was a circus!

What about Coconut Coolouts? Have you played with them?
Yeah, we toured with the Cocopuff Coolouts this past summer. It was WILD! We played a terrible show in North Carolina. I mean, the worst. Nothin’ but nerds. After the gig, we drove out to this apartment complex… Pete Cocopuff had a samurai sword and was chicken-fightin’ some naked broad in the swimming pool. Then our roadie puked in the pool at the same time! It was like Decline of Western Civilization Part II or somethin’. After that, we went to some other chick’s place—it was a real piece. I don’t think she even had sheets on her bed! She did have three broken TV sets, though, and a bottle of cooking wine. Next thing ya know, Dildo was outside, in the ditch, lightin’ off bottle rockets and M-80s. Straight outta’ ’Nam, man. Nothin’ but smoke and fire. Next morning, we had to go back there, ’cause Lacey Cocopuff forgot her purse. She called to get the address, and the girl was like, “Yeah, come get your bag, but don’t bring those Pizza guys over here ever-EVER again.”

This’ll be your first time in Seattle—will you be disappointed if most of the pizza around here sucks?
Naw. Hey, maybe we gotta eat some crabs or oysters or somethin’ instead of fake Left Coast pie? When in Rome, baby, when in Rome! Walrus? You guys eat that, right?

You probably get sick of all the pizza questions. One more, though… If you could eat pizza with any three bands, living or dead, who would they be? And what kind of pizza?
Never sick of pizza! Um, Stooges, 1971, duh; Ramones, duh; and, um, the Raspberries. Ooh, the Misfits and the Four Seasons, too. And what KINDA pie? Just regular, c’mon!

Speaking of the Ramones, which one was the best?
Trick question. ALL OF ’EM. Johnny ’cause he was smart, Joey cause he was a doll, Dee Dee ’cause he was tough, Tommy ’cause he could play, Marky ’cause he was a fuck-up. They are all “the best,” except for C.J. and Richie—they can EAT IT! Nerds! Don’t forget Elvis Ramone. He played drums on my birthday, August 29, in Trenton. Whatta guy.

I once went to a millionaire’s house, ’cause he promised me a pair of brass knuckles. After he gave them to me, he hit me in the leg with a police Taser—it almost knocked me out. What’s your song, “Brass Knuckles” about?
“Brass Knuckles” is about bein’ bored on a Tuesday night with nothin’ to do, so you go out and look for nerds to beat up. I wanna go find that guy who tased you… I’ll wrap a chain around his neck for you, baby, are you kiddin’ me?

What about songs “I Can Read” and “Nobody Makes My Girl Cry but Me”?
Are you frickin’ serious?

Okay, never mind. Hey, there’s gonna be free pizza at the show! Why else should people come out and see you guys on Monday night?
We got a new 7-inch—“Tearjerker”/“Never Find Me.” One song’s about cryin’ and the other one’s about gettin’ kidnapped. Buy it! Otherwise, just come out. We got big pies and even bigger chains. I mean, C’MON, ya know? Jeez.