Not Guilty!

On January 11, 2009, two members of the Seattle “hipster hop” crew
Mad Rad were arrested, jailed, and charged with assault following a
physical altercation with security staff at Capitol Hill nightclub
Neumos. Last week, Nathan “Buffalo Madonna” Quiroga and Ty “DJ Darwin”
Finnan stood trial for these charges and were found not guilty. Here,
for your edification, is a comprehensive list of other crimes for which
the members of Mad Rad have been exonerated:

On August 21, 1911, Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa was lifted from the Louvre in Paris, France. Mad Rad,
who had recently called, in song, for the Louvre to be “burned the fuck
down,” were brought in for questioning; under interrogation, Mad Rad MC
Terry Radjaw attempted to implicate his associate Pablo Picasso in the
crime. However, the real thief, Vincenzo Perugia, was found two years
later, and the painting was recovered.

On March 1, 1932, the child of pilot Charles Lindbergh was abducted
from the Lindberghs’ home in East Amwell, New Jersey. Though no
fingerprints were found, the error-ridden spelling and crude design of
the ransom note (which ended, “pay me/bitchez, i have come here for my
Mony”) led authorities to suspect the members of Mad Rad. After a
two-year investigation, however, one Bruno Richard Hauptmann was
charged, convicted, and executed for the crime.

On August 8, 1969, actress Sharon Tate, wife of director Roman
Polanski, was brutally murdered, along with four others, at her Los
Angeles home. Police eventually traced the murders to Charles Manson’s
“Family” cult. While members of Mad Rad were known to be living among
the Manson Family, none were found to have been actively involved in
the murders. During the trial, Mad Rad fans appeared in the courtroom
with their heads shaved in a show of solidarity.

On June 7, 1972, five men were arrested for breaking and entering
into the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate
office complex in Washington, D.C. The crime was eventually linked all
the way up the Republican chain of command to President Richard Nixon,
and the scandal ultimately led to his resignation. Though the members
of Mad Rad were highly active in the Republican Party in Washington,
D.C., at the time, they could not be definitively connected to the
crime.

On June 12, 1994, O. J. Simpson’s ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and
her friend Ronald Goldman were found stabbed to death outside Brown’s
Brentwood, Los Angeles home. After being acquitted of the crime
following a long and highly publicized trial, O. J. Simpson launched a
tireless campaign to track down the “real killers” and bring them to
justice. An anonymous tip led Simpson to members of Mad Rad, but
extensive DNA testing and glove-fittings determined them to have been
incapable of committing the crime.

On September 11, 2001, the United States suffered the worst
terrorist attack on domestic soil in its history. Initially suspected
of being the so-called “20th hijacker” in the 9/11 plot, hours of
enhanced interrogations at Guantánamo determined that Mad Rad
were in fact not an Al Qaeda terrorist cell and were in no way
connected to the attack.

Though repeatedly charged with murdering hiphop, no body has ever
been recovered, and in fact much evidence suggests that hiphop is alive
and well. As such, friends and relatives of hiphop have had to resort
to filing only civil suits against Mad Rad for alleged damages.

Mad Rad perform Wed July 8, Funhouse, 9 pm, $6, 21+. With Thee
Satisfaction, Tiffany Stedinsky, and DJ Darwin.