Party Crasher

This will be my final column as Party Crasher. Many weeks I was
amazed by the people I met and the bizarre sights I saw, but
also several Saturdays I wished I could have just been hanging out with
my friends.

So this final crash is about them, because they invented a
world-class competition, and tonight is the trial run. The Great
American Challenge is a race with four-person teams to complete a large
pizza, a rack of beer, an eighth, and a 500-piece puzzle. A two
and a half hour time limit is set: At the end of regulation time, the
remaining substances will be counted and a winning team will be crowned
“Greatest Americans.”

About 30 minutes in, several competitors begin vocalizing what a
bad idea this was. The pizza disappears and the beers are drunk
steadily, but the smoke becomes a major concern. One team has a member
who doesn’t partake at all, and there are several competitors only
willing to try “a little,” leaving their teammates to toke continuously
and nauseatingly for the entire competition. As massive intoxication
sets in, the puzzles become a frustrating mess, and with 20 minutes to
deadline they are the deciding factor. The battle is fierce, and in the
end the winner is decided by only 35 puzzle pieces. A member of the
losing team celebrates by barfing on the lawn and getting driven
home by his girlfriend. Team Sandwich prevails and rests easy before
they begin training for round two on November 4: That competition ends
at the ballot box. JEFF KIRBY

Thanks to everyone who’s invited me over and shown me a great
time over the last year. It’s been real. Party Crasher will
continue: E-mail the date, place, time, and party details to
partycrasher@thestranger.com and get crashed by a chosen-at-random Stranger staffer.