There are two kinds of Americans: those who hate—or simply tolerate—”The Star-Spangled Banner” and liars.

How is it that the greatest country in the history of everything has one of the worst songs ever as its national anthem? “The Star-Spangled Banner” is an archaically worded, structurally lumbering, melodically grotesque composition that has long worn out its welcome. Plus, it reeks of blowhardy jingoism and harks back to a time when Americans owned human beings and weren’t that into recycling and yoga. (Francis Scott Key wrote the poem the lyrics come from in 1814; John Stafford Smith composed the music, which was a British drinking ditty originally titled “The Anacreontic Song”—only a stinkin’-drunk fool could love it.) Full of risible bombast (“land of the free and the home of the brave,” etc.) and equipped with a raging boner for pyrotechnics, “Banner” is the musical equivalent of a winded buffalo tromping through a field of dung. We’ve been bombarded with it for 80 years. We get it already. We can do better. We must do better.

Therefore, I propose that the 1978 song “One Nation Under a Groove” become the United States’ new anthem. Written by the late Garry Shider, Walter “Junie” Morrison, and George Clinton (no relation to Bill) of the cultishly popular psychedelic-funk ensemble Funkadelic, “One Nation Under a Groove” possesses a title that feels good to say and music that feels even better to listen and move to.

“One Nation” represents one of the peaks of funk, a genre created and mastered mostly by hardworking African Americans. The song starts with a pell-mell, undulating groove augmented by bobbing bass and lots of vigorous cowbell and hand claps, immediately setting your hips a-twitchin’. The soulful vocalists state the agenda in the first verse: “Here’s a chance to dance our way out of our constrictions…/With the groove our only guide/We shall all be moved.” Further inspiration comes from the line “One nation and we’re on the move/Nothin’ can stop us now.”

Sure, these lyrics refer to funk’s transcendent rhythmic spirit, but they can also be applied to many of our country’s capacities. The entire song radiates an irrepressible positivity; it even has some “good gods” and gospelish overtones in the chorus for the religious right to embrace. “One Nation” is a motivational wellspring—it’s all about spurring action and unleashing energy, whereas “Banner” is about dwelling on the distant past and is mired in lethargy. For sheer morale-­boosting might, there’s no contest: “One Nation” stomps all over the ramparts of “Banner.”

If ever the time were ripe for an anthem change, it’s now. President Obama surely heard “One Nation” as a teenager and, being possessed of considerable intelligence and refined aesthetics, he probably dug the song; maybe he even played hoop, busted a move, or made out to it. Clearly, Obama is the man to catalyze this change, especially while he’s riding a wave of popularity after vanquishing Osama bin Laden. With “One Nation Under a Groove” as our national anthem, America will prove that even if its economic strength is flagging, its musical taste and striving for positive change remain unimpeachable. recommended

Dave Segal is a journalist and DJ living in Seattle. He has been writing about music since 1983. His stuff has appeared in Gale Research’s literary criticism series of reference books, Creem (when...

51 replies on “Throw Away the (Francis Scott) Key”

  1. Yes, toss out all of the traditions.

    Maybe we can get a new song that is hip hoppy, or gangsta rap. No, it should be a series of yelps and barks, with loud percussive arrangements to evoke the prairies, or a big city traffic jam.

    Better yet, just the sound of the emergency broadcast system.

  3. @1 “Yes, toss out all of the traditions.”

    Hey, Straw Man, it’s a craptastic song, and this is a suggestion to update just one, clearly horrible, tradition with something that has been tested and is known to be better. In some circles, that would be described as Conservative.

    That said, as great as “One Nation Under a Groove” is, I have been telling people for a decade or so that we all ready changed it to Ray Charles rendition of “America the Beautiful” and can hardly backtrack now.

  4. While I makes my funk the P-Funk, the new national anthem needs to be This Land is Your Land by Woody Guthrie. It’s inclusive and can be sung by large groups.

    And that damned “God Bless America”, Dubya’s personal anthem by the immortal hack Irving Berlin, should be banned forever. I stopped going to baseball games because of that piece of shit.

  5. It is so fitting that you are @#2.

    I like war; it cuts down on the number of people competing for resources that I want to use.

    And what are you suggesting hipster, the theme from the Pabst commercial?

    If the author had suggested Parliament or Radio, I might have considered it.

  6. @4: that song is god damned SOSHLYZM and the author was a god damned SOSHLYST.

    “As I was walkin’ – I saw a sign there
    And that sign said – no tress passin’
    But on the other side …. it didn’t say nothin!
    Now that side was made for you and me!”

    it’s easier if we just split the nation up. can we discuss the Cascadian National Anthem?

  10. why don’t you just wipe the feces from your tucus with the constitution and micterate on ye ol declaration of independence, segal

  11. I think our national anthem should be composed of every song that’s ever been written in America by people other than John Mellencamp. Then you can pick which “verse” of the anthem you want to sing at a given sporting event, people can still choose “Banner” if they like, and no one need suffer through “Small Town”.

  16. I love the national anthem. It’s in the form of a good drinking song and at its core is about holding on to hope even when times are the worst. Sure the plot is of war, but that’s not the message. The message is: cling to what you believe even when everything seems against you because dawn will come and at that point you will see that what you truly believe in will never be destroyed by bombs or rockets or other forces against you.

    Sure its archaic and old fashioned but thats what tradition is.

    Come to a Sounders game and hear thirty thousand people singing it with full vigor and you’ll understand what a great song it really is.

  21. I nominate Sir Mix a Lot’s “I like BIg Butts”. Although it is written by royalty, it is much more apropos of the country we have become.

  22. Anyone else just a teensy bit bothered that our current national anthem is basically a big middle finger to another country that has been one of our precious few allies, both in the past century and recent times?

    No? Ever get the full version, not just the first verse, which is all they sing at ballgames?

  26. In spite of the many valid criticisms you can make about SSB, hearing it still evokes a cascade of sensations tied to all I love about America. Isn’t the strength of the emotional impact the truest measure of the artistic merit of a piece of music? I’d be very sad to see it go.

  28. If the Star Spangle Banner is rescinded as the National Anthem, The Right Wing is going to demand “God Bless America” to replace it.

    Personally, I think “Volver” should be the national anthem, even it was sentimental love song sung by Carlos Gardel.

  32. It’s better than that song “Proud to be an American” by Lee Greenwood or whatever his name is. Makes me think we should goose-step when it ever get’s played.

  33. There’s something fitting about the fact that the SSB takes its tune from a British drinking song. It’s taking the garbage from overseas and making something great out of it.

  36. #29 is, of course, some tea-party nitwit or worse. You don’t even have to read the message, just look at the spelling.

    This left-leaning, gay activist atheist (me) was born here, and my family probably goes back more generations than yours does. I am not afraid to criticize the USA; that’s how CHANGE comes about. And I will not leave my native land; I probably love it more than you do — I love it too much to see it ruined by the likes of you.

    If you’re so unhappy with progress, why don’t YOU go live somewhere where your ideals and morals would be appreciated. Iran is probably a good start.

  37. All the alleged patriots and right wingers love something, but it’s not the genuine United States of America. Over the years they’ve developed something in their own minds that bears little resemblance to the principles this country was founded on and the aspects of our society that have made it great. Anyone who can say “love it or leave it” would be much happier in a totalitarian state where they can pledge blind allegiance to an autocrat rather than be a member of a country founded on the principle that the people should question their leadership and never fall into lockstep agreement simply because the leaders ask it.

  38. I think “The Star Spangled Banner” is an awesome tune. It’s very stirring. The way it keeps building and building is heart-pumping – kind of like “White Rabbit.” Only, SSB releases the tension in the last line and WR just lets you hang at the crest. I’m Canadian and I like our anthem’s lyrics but the melody is so boring, so Barney. It’s funny, I never knew SSB was a drinking song but I can remember singing it with friends when we were all hammered because it’s rousing and everyone knows the words.

  39. Get real. People who watch hockey always get to compare SSB w/ O Canada, and the competition is never close. SSB sucks ass.

    We should go w/ the same model, tho– take a tune that everyone knows & add new lyrics. Anyone want to write a stirring pro-America poem that goes w/ “Louie, Louie”?

    But seeing as how the guys who get raging boners over war (and the women who are infatuated w/ them)are so easily manipulated by the bankers, it’s just something we’ll have to put up with.

  40. Have you ever heard ‘God Save the Queen’? Or read the english text of the Marseillase? The star spangled banner is actually a cut above the average.

    This kind of idiocy is what gives republicans an easy shot at democrats. Be proud of your anthem, it has a modicum of poetic worth more than most of the competition.

  43. I vote for replacing the anthem with “The Anacreontic Song”, which is about asking a dead, white, male, pagan, philosopher for his aid in getting the combination of sex and drugs just right.

  50. Too much god in America the Beautiful, also the tune and lyrics are saccharine in the extreme. It reminds me of nothing more than ‘Every sperm is sacred’.

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