MONDAY, MARCH 23 This week of Indiana idiocy, suicidal pilots, and the international emancipation of Amanda Knox kicked off in the state of Virginia, where today Texas senator and Tea Party action figure Ted Cruz stood before a captive audience at Liberty University (where students faced $10 fines if they failed to attend) to announce his bid for the US presidency. “Cruz is the first Republican out of the starting gate, campaigning as a hard-core conservative and champion of the Christian right,” reported SeattlePI.com. “The Texas Republican is a hero to the Tea Party but has made himself unpopular in the Senate, decrying GOP colleagues as sellouts and boldly flirting with carrying the repeal of health care reform to the extreme of shutting down the federal government.” Repelling the left with his stances against net neutrality, marriage equality, and the existence of science while repelling the right with his habit of denigrating Republican war heroes and capriciously shutting down the government, Ted Cruz has no chance in hell of becoming president. So let’s focus instead on what will be his lasting contribution to American culture: his big, weird head. Containing the brain responsible for such gems of comprehension as “Net neutrality is Obamacare for the internet,” the head of Ted Cruz is dominated by his face, a thoroughly unnerving conglomeration of puffy shine, waxy droop, and general WTF?-ery…
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