Over on HA I’ve proposed my own response the recent escalation of the TSA’s security theater of the absurd: make intrusive pat downs as humiliating for TSA agents as it is for us. You know… fight theater with theater.

But I’d love to hear your ideas.

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40 replies on “Punk the TSA”

  4. I want to know who the screamer is too.

    Also, whenever you are given the choice, always ask “does the pat – down cost extra or is that still free?”

  6. It’s fun to imagine, but I have a feeling that sex-jokes-at-an-airport are going to become the new bomb-jokes-at-an-airport. If you say or do anything suggestive to the security people, they’re going to be able to stop you from flying.

  8. I have some anxiety-attack issues that are usually under control, but I have a back-up med that tends to knock me out. So I’m just going to not take any meds the morning of the flight, and let it all come out … and then once (if) I make it through security, take the back-up and just plain not have to experience the mind-numbing-ness of the flight itself. Win-win fun for all involved – I’m about due a good breakdown anyway.

  12. I’m a fairly frequent flyer who has been subjected to my fair share of TSA indignities. As much as I’d like to refuse the full-body scans and pat downs, I’m also not in a financial position that I can risk losing my job for being detained by TSA and missing a meeting with a client. So as a rather brazen and shameless gay man here’s my plan for protesting the new outrages.

    The next time I fly, I plan not only to demand a full pat down, but also pick out the TSA agent I want to do it. Well, not so much pick him out, as aggressively choose who will be touching me with lines like, “Hey cutie-pie, can I get a strip search from you?” or “Ohh, daddy bear, you look just right for a pat down!”

    Once they yank me out of line and take me into the grope zone, I’ll start talking in a really loud voice. “You missed a spot, go back!”, “Oh, that feels really good. Do it again.” “Say, I have an old groin injury that’s acting up. Since you’re down there, would you mind massaging it for a moment?”

    It’s got to be tough for TSA agents to deal with cranky members of the public day in and day out. I know if I had to feel up grumpy overweight passengers dozens of times a shift I’d get surly and authoritative too. So why not reward my hand-picked agent by hiding hard candies in strategic spots (wrapped, of course). Imagine his surprise when a sweet treat drops from my taint!

    It’s nice to be appreciated, so I might even roll up a little note and stick it in my crack. “Dear Mr. TSA agent, Thank you for such a thorough search. I feel safer already!” Does anyone know if they make “Thank you for touching my privates” cards? I’ll have to check the religious section the next time I visit the Hallmark store.

    When it’s all over, I’ll walk out of the search area with a big grin and say in a loud voice (with just a hint of a llisp), “That was the best full-body search I EVER had!” Then, just before heading to the gate, a quick turn back to the agent, make telephone hand gesture to my ear and whisper, “Call me!”

  13. Would tipping after an especially effective pat-down be inappropriate? And what should the amount be? A couple of ones folded long-ways, ala strippers?

  20. I am going to be flying for Christmas, and think it would be fun to strip down to my skivvies when I would normally just remove my shoes. I will opt for the groping rather than the xray scanner, and hopefully being less dressed will make their job a little easier. I will laugh so hard, if they run their hands along my fully exposed flesh.

    Perhaps there will be a message written on my cleavage or thighs along the lines of “Hello, Public Servant”.

  21. As much as I’d like to make someone else miserable for making me miserable, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for taking revenge on the TSA grunts who are doing their jobs, especially when it will have no impact on the ones who actually make the decisions.

  23. @22 – so you say, but all this talk about “humiliating” the TSA agents suggests otherwise.

    The assholes that *made* this policy aren’t going to be humiliated by your fake orgasms or pants-pissing or whatever. Just the guy trying to feed his family.

  25. shabadoo @23,

    But the assholes at the top that made this policy aren’t going to be pressured by our angry emails and indignant blog posts. It’s when their own employees start telling them that this policy just isn’t working, or when they’re forced to fire three times the workforce to get the lines moving half as fast, that they’ll finally reconsider.

    And of course, the media isn’t going to take notice of angry emails either. If you want your story told, you have to be willing to tell it well.

  30. Just remember, video everything and upload it all.

    The more viral vids, the less they can pretend that the public agrees with this TSA insanity.

  32. Coming back from Alaska yesturday, I requested one so I could let you all know how it went. They refused me. “We dont even have one of those machines here yet”

    I said “I want to know what all the fuss is about, so I want someone to do the new search on me, please”

    TSA: “You know, it’s not that bad, we have to do it to each other to practice and that is much worse.”

    Me: “So I cant request one?”
    TSA: “You dont need one.” — now I could have gone with saying something that MADE me need one, but since I didnt really think I could handle a severe escalation of my security profile, given I fly all the time, I Opted out of completely fucking with TSA.
    .
    As a Slogger and dedicated to your need for information, I will try again on Sunday here in Seattle. They know me there, so I can probably talk them into it without seriously harming the rest of my lifetime interactions with TSA

  36. I am passing through Newark, Chicago, and the always fabulous Indianapolis over the next week, and I plan on submitting a full gropage report, whether Slog wants it or not.

  37. I am looking forward to my next flight–I want to go through the full body scan AND get the full pat down. Yes, please, to both. The more invasive the better. Invade me, please!

  38. Well, seriously, what if somebody is wearing a Depends “undergarment”? There must be a lot of people who wear those. Otherwise, the company wouldn’t exist.

  39. Well, seriously, what if somebody is wearing a Depends “undergarment”? There must be a lot of people who wear those. Otherwise, the company wouldn’t exist.

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