They're about the same height, right? Credit: aydinmutlu/Getty Images
Theyre about the same height, right?
They’re about the same height, right? aydinmutlu/Getty Images

State Democrats are lavishly outspending their struggling Republican opponents: Ooo-wee those words are candy to my ears. Political action committees for the Democrats have spent $9.1 million this campaign season versus the measly, pathetic, and almost laughable $5.3 million the Republican PACs managed to somehow scrape together. I should point out that I’m personally 100 percent in favor of publicly financed elections. I’m also 100 percent in favor of poking fun. These are tough times, folks.

Washington SR 99 is sinking: A recently built overpass in SoDo has sunk two inches, reports the Seattle Times. Now, two inches may not sound like a lot, but a little goes a long way in most cases. If you catch my drift. There is good news though (not for penis-wielding-persons looking to add length, those are all scams), in that it seems like the ground has stabilized well enough for repairs.

Don’t drink the possibly tainted water: Residents in North Bend received a fairly alarming notice on Wednesday, saying that they should avoid drinking the tap water since a water tank had been reportedly vandalized. They found white pellets next to the tank! The water will be tested today and by tomorrow we will get to the bottom of it.

Seattle schools among the first in country to integrate facial recognition software: St. Therese and University Child Development School will be two of the first schools in the country to start using the software. The software operates exactly how it sounds—it’s the same technology I avidly don’t use to open my smartphone. According to KING5, “A smile from someone who’s been registered into the school’s facial recognition system triggers a computer to open the doors.”

Ew, fucking hand foot and mouth outbreak at Western Washington University: C’mon WWU, as an alumnus as well as partial-germaphobe, I am both grossed-out, and glad that I am nowhere near campus right now. I’m also a bit disappointed, if I’m being honest, because if you’re going to have a small outbreak at the very least find a disease that isn’t described as, “normally more common among infants.”

Applications for U.S. unemployment aid dropped: But we’re working less productively. Too many employed makes us a dull country. According to Reuters, “there are a record 7.14 million open jobs in the economy, suggesting a shortage of skilled workers.” There you have it. Shortage of skilled workers. In America? But I thought we were exceptional!

Check out these pretty bubbles that show how corporate America buys into both sides of the aisle: It’s true, they mostly just want a foot in the door for whoever wins. But in the case of tech, they clearly prefer donating to the Democrats, who support their policy agenda, and the opposite is true for the energy sector, who prefer to give their money to the Republicans.

Lock HIM up? Say what? Trumpsters have made a pivot from wanting to lock up (highly successful and intelligent) ladies. Just who were the rally chanters chanting to lock up this time, at a rally in Florida? Drumroll, please. That’s right, they were referring to Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum. It must be said that Andrew Gillum is a fucking beam of sunlight in America’s corroded artery, also known as Florida. Gillum’s opponent Ron DeSantis, along with Florida Governor Rick Scott, and President Trump, make for the gnarliest trio one could imagine—no imagination necessary, though, because there already is a photo of them chumming it up.

A good reminder that Democrats are still not prepared: Climate change is the biggest issue facing humanity, and it sure is nice that there are a few news outlets out there that won’t mince their terms.

Words of wisdom from our Prezzy: It’s Trump’s way with words that make him such a perfect role model for the kids. If you just read it as a vague poem, it’s much more reassuring.

Tonight’s best Seattle entertainment options include: A co-headlining tour stop with Drake and Migos, the Pioneer Square Art Walk, and the opening of Antonio Larreta’s play Juan Palmieri.