If you call an Uber or Lyft today you're a scab. Credit: Vera Agency/Getty Images
If you call an Uber or Lyft today youre a scab.
If you call an Uber or Lyft today you’re a scab. Vera Agency/Getty Images

I’m back everyone! The GRE was in a word miserable and should be abolished. To start I had to go all the way to Marysville via public transportation, which I’ve now learned is no easy feat. I also learned that Marysville is filled with tiny little casinos. The lady working at the testing center kept yelling at me to put all my stuff away so I wouldn’t cheat. I don’t know how anyone would cheat in a situation like that. Then they took my picture and I looked about as excited for this 5-hour test as a colonoscopy. But enough about outdated forms of intellectual measurement, let’s get to the news.

Governor Jay Inslee signs five new climate bills into law: It’s what he’s always wanted and the state Legislature delivered this time. The biggest changes will be an end to coal-fired power by 2025 and a complete shift to clean energy by 2045. I wish I had three hands so I could give these bills three thumbs up. The other bills will increase electric car incentives, establish higher standards for building and appliance efficiency, and limit the use of hydrofluorocarbons, which are used in refrigeration. Could this be the thing Inslee’s presidential campaign needed to launch into the top contenders bracket? Probably not, but it might inspire other states to follow suit.

Local techies to build the fastest supercomputer under $600 million: Yes, there are computers that cost even more than that and here I was complaining about the price of a new Macbook. On the other hand, a MacBook can’t do 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 calculations per second like this new supercomputer by Seattle-based company Cray which promises it will by 2021. We’re in a supercomputing arms race with China and, by most measures, we’re losing. They have 45% of the 500 top supercomputers in the world, but at least we’ll have the fastest.

Think twice before you take an Uber or Lyft today: Rideshare drivers are striking today ahead of Uber’s initial public offering on the stock exchange and are urging people not to use the app. At least 10 cities around the country and even more around the world are participating in the boycott and asking for things like minimum hourly wage and a cap on commissions Uber and Lyft can take from their pay. I know it’s hard but think back to that time before rideshare apps even existed and call a taxi or ride your bike. It’s 24 hours, I believe in you.

Amanda Knox is headed back to Italy for the first time since acquittal: The last time she was there, she was charged with the murder of her British roommate. A media frenzy then ensued and it essentially ruined her life. She’s going to Italy to speak at a conference hosted by the Italy Innocence Project about the media’s role in spreading false accusations.

The House Judiciary Committee plans to hold Attorney General Barr in contempt today: What does that mean? It’s basically like a bureaucratic shot across the bow to comply with their request for the full, unredacted Mueller report. Barr has yet to give it to them and has not shown any willingness to. Trump went ahead and asserted executive privilege over the unredacted Mueller report which is strange because he’s been so vocal about his “complete and total exoneration.” Why wouldn’t he want people to see the full report?

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry unveil the new royal baby: The boy doesn’t have a name yet and the UK is in an absolute tizzy wondering what it’ll be. What would you name him? Something good and British like Wadsworth? Yeah, me too.

I wish I was confident enough to wear a skirt: They seem like the ideal choice in hot weather which we’re about to get even more of.

A former corn-syrup lobbyist is in charge or rewriting federal dietary guidelines: This is an idea so dumb that the LA Times literally had to put a “(seriously)” at the end of the headline as if you would just call bullshit on the article as a whole. Dietary rules have to be rewritten every five years and under President Trump, who campaigned on draining the swamp, a guy who got paid to put more high fructose corn syrup in food is apparently the man for the job.

Now listen here you $#!%: Lizzo is one of the hottest acts of 2019 and if you don’t believe me listen to this song. If you don’t like this song take a long walk off a short pier. It’s got Prince and David Bowie fingerprints all over it but it’s at the same time an original. So excited to see her at Capitol Hill Block Party!

Tonight’s best Seattle entertainment options include: The dinner-theater adaptation of  Tom Robbins’ Jitterbug Perfume, the ninth annual Linda’s Prom, and The Atomic Bombshells: Lost in Space!

Timothy Kenney is a former Slog AM intern. He's written for multiple Seattle outlets, helped CNN cover a mudslide in Sierra Leone, and almost threw up on James Franco once.