“We are on the upswing”: Swine flu’s not going away any time soon.

Secret Wars: Pentagon wants record $50 billion budget for secret space lasers and weapons programs.

Wheel War: Cyclist deaths up 11% in UK.

Who Says Celebrities Get Away With Everything? Judge says Roman Polanski return to US to challenge 1978 rape case.

Snow and Sexual Harassment: More problems for the city’s street maintenance office.

Drawing the Line: Tattoo artists will have to get licensed in Washington.

Hakuna Matitty: Disney reassigns Splash Mountain boobwatchers.

Vaporware Forever: After more than a decade in development, Duke Nukem Forever developer shuts down.

Now go see the Star Trek movie! But first, see what pony play looks like in THE FUTURE:

Jonah Spangenthal-Lee: Proving you wrong since 1983.

8 replies on “The Morning News”

  1. Secret Space Lasers sounds like a band that would play at the Crocodile to a crowd of listless trust fund hipsters who remark constantly “I liked them before they got famous.”

  2. The auditors found that a high profile advertising campaign to cut road deaths called Think! appeared to have little measurable effect on road casualties.

    There. See? Haven’t I been trying to tell you that?

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