Happy Saturday Rapture, lovelies. I hope you’re all in good with Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, because if not, your shit is totally going to hit the fan today. Or is it all a scam? Surely not.

In any case, does anyone know what the Tribulation is going to be like? I feel like it’ll be kind of like a really bad weekend in Vegas but with maybe some zombies thrown in. Zombies always show up for shit like this. Good thing we know how to deal with them now.

The headlines for your last day on this Earth:

The Mississippi: finally crested at Vicksburg, Miss. It won’t recede for a while, though, so there are tons of refugees/evacuees trying to eke it out in shelters. Money quote: “At Hannibal, Mo., for example, the river has experienced a 70-year, a 200-year and a 500-year flood in the last 18 years, and 10-year floods in each of the last three years.” Gee, climate change is totally a hoax, right?

Syrian democracy protesters: fired on, with casualties. The Assad family really does not fuck around. Oh, and we should be excited for the Lebanon/Iraq-style ethnic conflict that could erupt as a result of this shitshow. Awesome!

The married gay lifestyle: advancing. A new poll conducted by Gallup says 53% of Americans are OK with those homos feeling the rainbow and whatnot in connubial bliss. This is totally why the Rapture is happening.

Dominique Strauss-Khan: released on $1 million bail from Rikers pending his trial on several charges of being a huge creep. He gets house arrest, where he’ll be guarded by… a private security guard. Nothing could go wrong there.

The State of Palestine: undeclared, but will soon (probably in September) be the subject of a bid for recognition at the UN General Assembly. Since UN membership and recognition for states must be approved by the Security Council after the General Assembly votes yea, Palestinian recognition is unlikely because President Obama already promised to veto the measure. Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu is in DC this weekend to talk about this and the rest of the “peace process.” Or, rather, kill it before it starts.

Spanish protests: going forward despite a curfew. (That’s kosher there? Lame.) Spaniards are pissed because of massive cuts in public spending designed to prevent Greece-style government finance problems. Oh, and people are angry about the 21% unemployment rate.

Pakistan: still a shitshow. A NATO oil truck got blown up and 15 people died. Jesus Christ. Why do we give them so much money? Especially when China is totally down to do it for us?

2012 Republicans: still as lame, boring, and laughable as ever. Honestly, don’t even read those links. Please.

The Tunnel vote: officially on the ballot for the August primary. Celebrate/cry/shout/ignore accordingly. Here’s what Dom had to say about it yesterday afternoon.

Cliff Mass: drawing headlines across town. We invited him to write a page in next week’s paper about whatever the hell he feels like writing about, to (I can only hope) be titled KUOW Kiss My Ass, by Cliff Mass.

Dude impersonating a cop: still at large. He allegedly stole someone’s Mercedes by pretending to be undercover fuzz and flashing a gun. If it weren’t completely scary, it’d be kinda badass. Hide your kids, hide your wives, hide your luxury sedans, etc.

The Preakness: to be run this afternoon. There’s 2-1 odds on the Kentucky Derby winner, Animal Kingdom, winning the second round of the Triple Crown.

Have a great End Times!

17 replies on “The Morning News”

  3. I for one was really hoping for some fab post rapture parties this weekend. But apparently us gays really dropped the ball on this. Sorry gang.

  7. @6.. heaven ?. with name like sargon bighorn i’d expected you to be all up in asgard or vahalla or wherever y’all go after a lifetime of raping and pillaging. i guess the lord do ‘work in mysterious ways’

  10. Woot! for PJ, best news intern for the Rapture evah! I don’t know about you guys, but I’m thinking you at least want to be wearing your best underwear when Jaysus comes a knockin.

  11. Wait, what? I thought they were supposed to go commando, Canuck? Ixnay the underpantsay. You know it’s not everyday you expect to see hundreds, okay probably a dozen, moons rising. Hhm, I wonder what else we’ll see rise? Maybe I should make popcorn.

  12. Not that I witnessed it, but the guy wasn’t wearing a uniform, only tried to impersonate a plainclothes cop. He didn’t even have a fake badge.

  13. Hurrah for awesome morning news! 50 minutes ’till rapture (EST). I’ve promised to let my brother (PST) know the scoop so he can rapidly convert and indoctrinate his children, if need be.

  16. Re The Mississippi: as a bona fide weather/climate person, who works down the hall from Cliff Mass at the UW, I say: read the freakin’ article, please! The guy who made that snarky quote about 100-year floods wasn’t saying it was global warming’s fault at all. He was saying that the official numbers the government uses are unrealistically low, period, climate change or no climate change… he’s accusing them of wishful thinking. Other people quoted in that article said that urbanization, silting of reservoirs, etc. made recent floods worse, but climate change was not mentioned once.

    I actually study the effect of climate change / global warming on rainfall, and from what science currently knows, global warming might make the central U.S. drier *or* wetter. We don’t even know the direction yet. So everybody take a deep breath.

    Global warming itself is for real, though, and it is mostly caused by our activities. Definitely not a hoax.

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