ON SATURDAY, MAY 1, CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIANS FROM around the country will
descend on Cavalry Fellowship in Mountlake Terrace for “Love Won Out,”
a dynamic one-day conference aimed at addressing, understanding, and preventing
homosexuality. The highlight of the conference is a series of lectures by a half
dozen real-life ex-gays, including Newsweek cover-boy John “Candi” Paulk.
In an effort to make our ex-gay guests feel welcome, The Stranger has assembled this guide, which covers all our fair city has to offer the men and women of the ex-gay community.
DINING
Seattle’s world-renowned cuisine is sure to please the most discriminating Christian
palate. Whether you’re a Seventh Day Adventist, a Mormon fundamentalist, or
just a plain ol’ Baptist, you’ll want to sample all our Northwest chefs have
to offer. Many area restaurants are offering special discounts to ex-gays and
ex-lesbians this weekend–just ask!
KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN–1001 E Pine St, 325-3450. Go for the deep-fat-fried
chicken America loves… stay for the Colonel’s new Popcorn Shrimp. You can
find KFCs all over town, but the Pine Street location is in the heart of Seattle’s
ex-gay community.
POPEYE’S FRIED CHICKEN–34960 Enchanted Parkway S, Federal Way, 253-874-9740.
Don’t let Popeye’s pro-gay propaganda (“I yam what I yam!”) stop you from enjoying
some of the best fried chicken in Federal Way.
EZELL’S FRIED CHICKEN– 501 23rd Ave E, 324-4141. Oprah loves Ezell’s–and
if you’ve seen Oprah lately, it looks like Ezell’s loves Oprah right back! Ezell’s
fried chicken is high in saturated fat, but so what? The bigger you are, the
more of you there is to praise the Lord!
LODGING
BEST WESTERN EXECUTIVE INN–200 Taylor Ave N, 448-9444. Located in the
heart of Seattle’s thriving downtown, the Best Western is close to shops, straight
nightlife, Seattle’s beloved Pike Place Market, and numerous fried-chicken franchises.
GASLIGHT INN–Capitol Hill B&B, 1727 15th Ave E, 325-3654. Featuring
private baths, free continental breakfast, and a sun deck, the Gaslight also
provides ex-gays with an opportunity to witness! Many gays and lesbians stay
at the Gaslight; over breakfast you can share your tale of redemption, and maybe
even lead a sexual struggler to Christ.
CLUB SEATTLE– 1520 Summit, 329-2334. On a tight budget? Secure in your
new heterosexual identity? Club Seattle’s private rooms are nothing fancy–most
come without ceilings, and none have private bathrooms (though towels are provided).
But at $20 per night, Club Seattle is a real value for the budget-conscious
traveler. Affirm your victory over the gay lifestyle by spending a chaste night
surrounded by men with neither clothing nor shame.
SIGHTSEEING
VOLUNTEER PARK– 15th Ave E at Galer.You’re in luck! Seattle is home
to many flowering shrubs, and the rhododendrons are in bloom in Volunteer Park!
Several outstanding examples of these beautiful plants can be found along the
western edge of the park, and the view from inside the bushes is especially
gorgeous this time of year.
WASHINGTON ARBORETUM–Lake Washington Blvd, between E Madison St & SR 520.Still
more flowering shrubs. Mute guides will beckon you toward those special parts
of the arboretum, off the beaten path.
BATHROOMS IN THE UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON LIBRARY– UW campus, NE 45th St
& 15th Ave NE.Experience the finest in waste management technology with
other young men who appreciate the same.
REST STOP–I-5, at mile marker N 166.More beautiful foliage, clean bathrooms,
and lots of privacy.
WITNESSING
All over Seattle, men and women are struggling with their homosexuality–men
and women YOU could save. Avowed homosexuals congregate on Seattle’s Capitol
Hill, and in the places listed below you’ll find men and women hungry for the
message of Christ’s love.
PINK ZONE–211 Broadway E, 325-0050. A store catering to gays and lesbians,
the Pink Zone sells everything from Tinky Winky dolls to rainbow toilet seats.
Attracts many young people just forming homosexual identities–young people
you could save.
BROADWAY MARKET–Broadway, between Republican & Thomas. A whole mall catering
to the gay lifestyle, with a Gap, a hair salon, and a liquor store.
WILD ROSE–1021 E Pike St, 324-9210. A lesbian bar where many of the
women are anxious to hear your story, especially the large women with crew cuts
playing pool. They really, really love to hear stories about Jesus, and won’t
mind being interrupted.
JERSEYS ALL AMERICAN SPORTS BAR–700 Virginia St, 343-9377. At first
glance, Jerseys may look like your average urban sports bar. Do not be fooled!
Most of the men in Jerseys are gay, even the ones who appear to be “with” women,
and you should be especially aggressive about witnessing at Jerseys. Approach
any clump of men, and say, “You’re not fooling anyone. I can tell you’re all
homosexuals.” Then, when the ice is broken, you can tell these sexual strugglers
all about Jesus.
GENDER ROLE-MODELING
The price of entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven is eternal vigilance. If witnessing
at the Pink Zone, admiring the shrubbery in Volunteer Park, and getting a good
night’s sleep at Club Seattle aroused any troubling homoerotic desires, there
are plenty of places you can go for a dose of good, straight, gender role-modeling.
Ex-Gay Men Can Affirm their Masculinity at:
BELLEVUE INDOOR SHOOTING RANGE–13570 Bel-Red Rd, Bellevue, 425-649-5995.
Why not blow someone while you’re in town? No, not that kind of blow! We mean
blow someone away! At the Bellevue Indoor Shooting Range, you can spend
the afternoon blowing away every same-sex desire you’ve ever had. Just picture
your first 500 boyfriends on that target, squeeze your finger, and… release!
HOOTERS–901 Fairview Ave N, 625-0555. Women in tight T-shirts serve
food to men in tight trousers! Fornication is a sin, but Jesus wants you to
lust after women. Until you meet that special someone, Hooters is a good place
to practice getting an erection with a woman in the room.
BASIC PLUMBING–1505 10th Ave E. Basic Plumbing is one of Seattle’s
oldest and most interesting hardware stores. An hour spent wandering the aisles
at Basic Plumbing is an hour spent walking with the Lord. There’s nothing more
masculine than the feel of a tool in your hand, and some of Seattle’s biggest
and best are on display at Basic Plumbing.
Ex-Gay Women Can Indulge their Femininity at:
GENE JUAREZ SALON/SPA– 607 Pine St, 326-6000. Nothing makes a girl
feel more feminine than a brand new hairdo! At Gene Juarez Salon, trained professionals
will trim, frost, and perm your man-hating hair into something softer and more
appealing. Most hair stylists are gay–which offers you an opportunity to witness
during your appointment. Not only will you get a new look… you could lead
someone to the Lord!
LUSTY LADY–1315 First Ave, 622-2120. While your ex-gay boyfriends are
at Club Seattle proving they’re no longer attracted to the gay lifestyle, you
can prove you’re no longer attracted to women’s reproductive organs at the Lusty
Lady, Seattle’s world-famous strip club.
VICTORIA’S SECRET–Pacific Place Mall, 600 Pine St, 749-9518. Nothing
makes an ex-lesbian feel more like a desirable straight lady than a lacy thong
pulled tight between her ass cheeks.
AESTHETIC PLASTIC SURGERY CENTER–1414 116th Ave NE, Bellevue, 425-451-3333.
Just between us girls… when you’re ready to marry a man and make some babies,
what kind of man do you want? An ex-gay you’re always afraid will backslide
into the homosexual lifestyle? Or a real man? Time to bring out the big
guns! Get boobs no real man can resist, at the Aesthetic Plastic Surgery Center.
Real straight guys like ’em big, and they don’t ask any questions about how
they got that way. Plus, breasts make a terrific souvenir.
