Savage Love Episode 231

1. Dan, I appreciate all the work you do to address bullying of LGBTQ youth. But, do you know the only group of young people that is almost as likely to kill themselves because of bullying as queer youth? Youth with disabilities. Youth with disabilities face incredible amounts of bullying to the extent that many, many of them end up committing suicide. So, it seems a little ironic in your rant about bullying of LGBTQ youth to use the word RETARDED. I realize you think it’s not a big deal, but lots of high school students think it’s not a big deal when they use the word “faggot” and we all know that it is. Just something to think about.

2. Dan, whats this bullshit about ladies – if you don’t want your husband to find blowjobs on craigslist, you should do it. Some women really do not enjoy going down on men.
   I sort of like the response you give to the woman with the lousy sex life. AFAIK, (this was told to me by a muslim friend, I don’t know if this is true) sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both men and women (who are married) so clearly, this guy is using his religion as an excuse to not learn

3. it’s called hottdogging. 😉

   Dan, you spent a lot of effort describing to the fellow with the girthy dick how he and his partner might have some fun with him sliding his dick between his partner’s butt cheeks. Great advice. For future brevity though that is referred to as “hotdogging” for obvious reasons (the weenie between the buns).

   In some circles is also called “Italian”, but the etymology of that colloquialism isn’t as obvious.

   Love the show. Thanks.

4. Hey Dan, as far as I know there is nothing in Islam saying that women aren’t allowed to orgasm, and I found your anti-Islamic rant pretty difficult to take from someone I usually respect. on the other hand, your comment about “defenceless marines” was the funniest thing I heard all day.

5. @Kat: “Some women really do not enjoy going down on men.”
   Well some men really do not enjoy dozens of things that women expect from us – But we generally do it for the greater good.

   Just because giving head isnt your favourite thing in the world doesn’t mean you get a free pass to expect your guy to go without (from any source, and forever). And a toothy, hurried, more-handjerk-than-mouth-work blowjob doesn’t count. Unless your guy has a kink for having his dick resemble a dog’s chewtoy when it’s done.
   Overall you don’t sound like you’d fulfill any of the G’s in “GGG”.

   I will say though that the idea of a craigslist bj from a gay dude is probably “a bar too high to clear” for 99% straight identified guys so not much of a threat to hetero monogamy.

6. HOTDOGGING!! Hahaha. I loved dan’s advice to the anal sex dude. I’d also add this: he seemed to mention that a lot of relationships ended before he had a chance to fuck these ladies in the ass. If he’s going out with girls for weeks at a time and not letting any trust build, then that’s going to make it wayyy harder too. Many girls I know need a lot of time to trust someone enough to be that physically vulnerable.

7. Incidentally, just as Dan talks about this Violent Blue linked to a discussion of the importance of pleasurable sex for Muslims: http://www.noorislam.net/eng/index.php/s…

   Moral of the story, female sexual pleasure is important, and if you’re going to say “Well, that’s only true for wives in Islam!” then you shouldn’t be having sex outside of marriage in the first place, right?

8. the conference was partly energized by teen-gay suicide but not address the crucial issue of the teen gay suicide.

   please stop apologizing for obama.

9. Hey dan,

   Writing about a response you gave to the woman seeing the homophobic military police fuckhead.

   I think what you missed was that her relationship with this dude wasn’t really meant to go anywhere special; they had both agreed that they weren’t interested in anything more serious than a friends with benefits situation since they are both dealing with divorce in their lives.

   And I don’t think she needs to feel obligated to make this guy better; he’s just a lay. She doesn’t need to take him around her friends, she doesn’t have to take him outside clothed if she doesn’t want to.

   Furthermore if her instincts are screaming for her to run to the hills, she should. Always trust your instincts. They exist to save us from potentially violent situations, which are more than possible when queer people and homophobic people interact.

10. Personally, the thought of having sex with anyone who has radically different politics doesn’t really appeal to me. I mean, even if a bigotted woman is really hot physically, why would I want to give her pleasure? As for someone on the right who would not want to have sex with me because of my lefty politics, well, thanks.

11. I feel sorry for the poor friends having the homophobe dumped upon them and being expected to make uncompensated contributions to his growth as a human being – unless, of course, they are properly warned in advance and don’t dislike the idea.

12. Dan! Your response to the the man who is getting blow and goes from gay men was inadequate. Identifying him as a ‘situational homosexual’ is atrociously gracious. I would call him an asshole. Come on, let the “ladies know” that there’s a blow job market out there for the disgusting men in their lives that are so full of themselves they absolutely have to put their cocks in someone else’s mouth rather than be honest, forthright and equal about things? We don’t know anything about this woman, this relationship or really anything but that this man is perfectly a ok with requesting a situation that is not reciprocal. UH! Two things need to happen here! A) the woman needs some more credit! Lets assume the positive. that she’s smart, sexy, and tired of this selfish asshole. If he’s as willing as it seems to go out and get bj from anyone willing- and not at all even pretend to have an equal encounter, or lets say reciprocal encounter- what the hell can we assume of his married sex life? Perhaps the woman has an ounce of dignity and refused to put for the doofus especially since putting out, in this case is putting out and not getting back! and B) if the women isn’t as aware, or self aware something is seriously wrong with the relationship! Women don’t stop having sexual motivation after 40, most women after 35 are more comfortable with sex, their bodies and getting their needs met. But if she’s not- then something amiss. Is she under extreme stress, is she bored, is she depressed, has she lost sexual attraction to a man she assumes is a creep? The problem isn’t women not giving enough head. That is utter bullshit and does nothing for equality and feelings of mutual trust. Honey, better give me head, or I’ll find someone else who’ll do it. WTF? This is your advice? Women give more head. Open your legs and keep the man happy? While you’re at it, make sure you have a soft hand shake and make me some pancakes. Whew! No. Your advice should be about figuring out how to get your needs met while respecting and meeting the needs of your partner. If sexual life is seriously a problem in a relationship then people need to re-evaluate their relationships and its dynamics. Is he/she with a person who has similar sexual interests, or at the very least wants to please him- and if not, can he end the relationship or explore other options with honesty? Additionally the man needs to be open and honest with his wife. he’s potentially putting her in danger. the chances are slimmer through oral sex, but still, he could endanger her health as well as his, and she should be aware of what is happening- so she can make her own decisions about where she wants to go with it. maybe she’s fine with the risks involved in poly-amorous relations, maybe she’s not. But she should be able to make that choice fully informed. To advise otherwise is shamelessly letting fools off the hook by inadvertantly allowing them to continue to assume that they are entitled to blow jobs just because they are married. Sex is an exchange, but it should be about trust, honesty and reciprocation. Finding ways to do that isn’t difficult. But sometimes calling out a scumbag as he is can prove more so.

13. I enjoyed Dan’s not-so-subtle objection against the dog and pony show that is a wedding. Nothing like starting off a lifelong commitment by wracking up debt, stressing yourself out for months and pissing each other off during the planning process.

14. “Situational homsexuality” sounds like a good euphemism for “Bi and in denial.” If you are not at all interested in other guys, then I would point out that (in almost all cases) your hand is always avaible. If you happen to have lost the use of BOTH hands and need some assistant from another guy, then that may be merely situational. Otherwise, get over yourself and admit that you’re bi.

15. I would just like to say, to everybody here making comments about “Muslims believe THIS” and “Muslims don’t believe THAT”, to just sit quietly for a minute, and think. Do Christians ALL believe X and not Y? Right. Even Catholics, who are supposed to all share the exact same theological thoughts, don’t.

16. @Ira Greek: Hotdogging! That’s so funny!

    Perhaps our married man should ask WHY she doesn’t like giving head, maybe there’s more to it: is she getting her needs met sexually and emotionally, is there a hygiene issue, etc. etc.

    It’s certainly preferable to open a clear channel of communication rather than get his needs met homosexually or heterosexually.

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