Is it wrong to contact the subsequent lovers of your lying, cheating, abusive ex and compare notes? What if one of the notes is that you have herpes?

A closeted lesbian is worried that if she comes out it will impact her parents- pillars in their conservative community.

A jealous lover makes his boyfriend write essays about his previous relationships. Dan has five special letters for this caller.

Now class. Your assignment is to call:
206-201-2720

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11 replies on “Savage Love Episode 243”

  4. Dan, I love you.
    I wish I had been listening to your podcast when I was with a crazy lover who cut me down about past relationships. That man who called because his boyfriend makes him write essays about past relationships needs to get out now if he wants to wake up and see himself in the mirror. I put up with crazy jealous shit for so long I became a shell of who I once was. Furthermore, it took me YEARS to get myself back (after he left me for someone else). I hope he RUNS as fast as he can and never looks back. If not, I hope he has some good friends to be there when he finally gets the courage to leave….
    Also, I agree with you on the Wiener issue… wouldn’t it be funny if his wife knew about everything, and got off on it? 🙂

  5. Really not sure why Dan thought the main issue with the second-to-last caller who was concerned about opening up his relationship was one of him reassuring the wife that it was ok to go ahead — she’s the one who appears to have taken an initial conversation about opening up their relationship *together* as license to go ahead and pursue her own side project before they had clearly established what each half of the couple was ok with! By all means if they are both happy with the prospect of her spending time with this other guy go forward, but it seems like they still need to have a clearer conversation between themselves beforehand — as the previous open-relationship couple seems to have done — establishing both husband and wife’s needs and how they can both support each other to fulfill them through opening things up.

  6. @5 Thanks for your post, because I was thinking along those lines too. I was thinking that opening a relationship should be about strengthening your bond with one another first, not a Get of Jail Free Card to fuck anyone who comes along especially if you haven’t gotten to that specific set of terms yet.

    I was thrilled–but unsurprised–to hear that their sex life had improved, but I was worried for them that she hadn’t stopped any and all pursuit of this guy until sincerely addressing her husband’s concerns. He comes first, pardon the word choice, and it worried me for him that the wife is on a different page than he is.

  7. Thank you Dan for speaking my mind about Weiner-gate! I can’t believe the tizzy everyone is in over something so mundane. As always, you are the voice of rationality in America!

  8. to the man whose boyfriend makes him write essays about his previous relationships, here’s what happened to me: first he bitched that he wasn’t my first and got all insecure about the fact that i had a sex/romantic life before i met him. then before i know it he wouldn’t let me go anywhere without driving me and would stop by several times when i was at work to make sure i was where he’d left me. if i went anywhere without him there’d be a 3 day argument where i’d try to convince him that i didn’t fuck someone in the 20 minutes i spent at the supermarket. i lost touch with friends because they all hated him and it wasn’t worth the argument to try to go out without him. etc etc. and i never had to write a fucking essay. dan’s totally right, if he can’t let the fact go that you weren’t saving yourself for him before you knew he even existed then he’s going to be threatened by a whole lot down the line. dtmfa for sure.

  9. to the girl who emailed her ex-bf’s ex-fiancee: I was surprised Dan didn’t address the fact that this woman was warning the ex-fiancee about getting herpes! I think all bets are off where STD’s are concerned. Sure, the first step should have been for the girl to confront her ex-bf and ask that he share this information with his new partners. But as this sounds like a pretty unreliable, self-centered guy, I doubt that would have worked.

    From personal experience, I have a good friend whose bf was cheating on her with 4 other women until one of them found out and contacted the others with the contact info she found on his cellphone. She told everyone that she had STD’s, was having unprotected sex with this guy, and that the women should get tested. This woman is a hero! All of the women ended up testing positive for chlamydia and gonorrhea, and two of them had developed pelvic inflammatory disease, which damages your reproductive organs and can make it impossible to conceive – especially if left untreated. Obviously all of the women were very grateful to have received this information before it was too late.

    Sure, the woman who told got a revenge high out of it, but she also genuinely helped four other people. While I agree that it is usually a “shit move” to tattle on your ex to their new lover(s), in cases of serious abuse or STD’s, I think it is a brave and positive thing to do.

    So, while the woman who called in might have had a revenge motive as well (no one is perfectly altruistic in this world), I think that the positives of notifying the ex-fiance about the herpes and of allowing the ex-fiance to discuss the bf’s abusive behavior (possibly enabling her to realise that she should dtmfa) outweighs all the negatives here.

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