This week we are joined by the good doctor Vy Chu- a specialist in gay men’s health.
So there’s a lot of talk about butts.
And balls.
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You can and should comment on this show over at www.thestranger.com/lovecast
Dan, you’re awesome but your grammar leaves me in a tizz! “most any item” – stop it stop it stop it!! – is it just because im english i cant stand this?
So, just a few more details from the crazy lesbian who went psycho on the HIV+ guy. I was very angry when I called, I didn’t mean that I would actually tattoo anything on his forehead, dick, or elsewhere. Or on anyone. I am generally a nonviolent person, but I was angry and speaking from my emotions, not my brain.
I also know that not everyone with HIV is disrespectful of other people. I have a lot of respect for a person who is open and honest with their sexual partners about their status on any STD, HIV especially.
This particular guy, however, is not. My friend straight up asked him if he had any STDs and he replied that “there was nothing to worry about.” It was my friend’s choice to procede uprotected, and trust me he won’t be doing that again, but this guy had an opportunity to be honest but instead chose to lie outright. That’s what really makes me sick about the whole encounter. On another note, this guy is not only inconsiderate to people’s health he is also inconsiderate to their feelings. He said some unnecissarily nasty and mean spirited things to both of my friends after hooking up with them, which is another reason it made me so angry.
Thank you both for you advice, it was much appreciated. I’m sorry I was so hotheaded, and I feel my anger could have been better explained if I had included some of the information I added above.
@#1: I’m particular about grammar too, but I think in the instance you cite, “most” is a colloquial abbreviation for “almost,” and is therefore acceptable.
Now let’s talk about your capitalization and punctuation… 🙂
On women and blueballs: i am not a man so I don’t know how it feels to have actual blueballs, but as a woman of 43 in her sexual prime, I certainly know it’s unpleasant to get all revved up and have no place to go. (cue subsequent furious masturbating). I now have insight on what teenage boys go through.
Much better guest than the squirting hippie! And finally…I’ve been trying to find good info on hemorrhoids and anal sex forever. My doc, of course, just says don’t have anal.
Wow dan, the first few calls made me lose a lot of respect for you…I asked you hemmhorroid related advice TWICE over the last several months and got no response, finally you get someone to answer the question and your smart alecky dismissal was really annoying. I wanted to hear what the doctor had to say!!!! Meanwhile you’re worrying about anal sex PR! VERY unhelpful of you…
THEN when it comes to blue balls…YES THEY ARE REAL AND GOD THEY REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HURT. Just because you haven’t experienced something yourself doesn’t mean you should go around dismissing it as fake or manipulative.
Minus a hundred points, Dan…you took legitimate sexual health related concerns and dismissed them, which is really not “sex-positive” in my view. Sex positivity is the ability to talk about sexual health and fulfillment issues like an adult, not just dismiss those things you don’t know about as universal lies.
Clarkma5, the answer to blue balls is masturbation. I believe what Dan is saying – and I agree with him – is that it is manipulative to imply any person is obligated to have sex because of their partner’s blue balls.
Holy cow, this is the worst guest ever. He may not be quite as bad minute for minute as last week’s “expert” on squirting, but at least she didn’t dominate the podcast.
Way too much of this guy. Doc or no, he’s weak in this situation.
How about next year’s winner gets a limited amount of time – say, five minutes, or three questions or something like that?
(I used scare quotes above since the woman, though obviously well informed about her own experience, was clueless as an educator.)
@7: That point was well handled by the original caller, and could’ve been agreed to in a sentence by Dan. Instead he very clearly went on and on about how he didn’t believe blue balls was a real phenomenon and he thought it was an excuse for people to pressure people into sex, which is just such bullshit. And even the doctor made his disagreement with Dan quite clear…
I just heard the call about the HIV positive man having sex with negative people. I think it’s important to cover the issue of ‘breeding’. I am originally from Melbourne, Australia so I don’t know if that term is used in other countries. In Melbourne I had an HIV positive friend. He had unprotected sex with another HIV positive guy who, after sex, said “I was kind of disappointed when I found out you were positive because I wanted to breed you.” In Australia breeding is HIV positive people deliberating seeking unprotected sex with negative people specifically in order to infect them. My friend was upset and wrote this guy off, only to find out a few months later that this man had infected a 19 year old, fresh out of the closet, boy sometime after sleeping with my friend. My friend, I think correctly, went on the warpath and ended up meeting quite a few other people who had the same stories about this same man. He went through an enormous amount of anxiety about doing so but eventually went to the police with some of the other people and the police became involved. It made the newspaper but I never found out the end result because I moved to Japan and he and I were friends through my girlfriend and that relationship came to an end. I wish I knew exactly what the police had been able to do, I imagine not much beyond restraining orders, etc. but I do know they were involved.
I think it’s really important that people are aware that there are people out there who do this deliberately and it’s possible to report them to the police. At least in Australia, I don’t know about other countries.
Regarding the woman who either was or was not raped: I wish she’d said or that it had been asked: She said she eventually said yes, but I wonder how many “no”s she had to go through to get to that yes?
No is a complete sentence. The conversation needs to stop as soon as it is said. People who will wear their target down through persuasion or pushiness will often feel them out with other things, first. “Do you want to go upstairs to watch a movie?” “No, I think I’d rather enjoy the party.” If that movie is eventually watched, congratulations, you’ve made it clear he/she can change your mind. I’m not saying never be flexible, but someone who pushes hard on the small things will push harder on the big ones.
There’s this idea today that rape=there was a gun to your head, and that just isn’t true. I think there is a special circle of hell for people who make their victims feel complicit in their own abuse. So, lady- if you have had the kind of number worked on your psyche that it sounds like you have, take it from someone who has been there- if you don’t want to call it rape or sexual assault, OK. It’s your experience so you get to file it in any drawer you like. But if it helps, you could also go with abuse or victimization, if you need to call it something in order to work through it. Whatever you decide, it’s clear you’ve been wronged. I also strongly suggest reading at least the first half of Gavin De Becker’s wonderful book _The Gift of Fear_.
On another subject: @10: at least in the US you can get prison time for “breeding” though I’ve never heard it called that.
About the woman who was/wasn’t raped:
I really got the feeling that she was not given the opportunity to take responsibility for her actions. I also got the feeling that this was largely because she was a woman. Speaking AS a woman, that really pisses me off. I have been in situations where I felt uncomfortable saying no, I have been in situations where I say “no thank you” when I should have said “BACK THE FUCK OFF CREEP” but I have always taken responsibility for my own mistakes, and my part in my own regrets. I know that women are socialized to defer to men, and that it takes a lot of courage and strength to break with that expected role, but if we are ever going to teach women to break that role we need to teach women and girls to stand up for themselves, speak up for themselves, and take responsibility for their actions. Absolving her of all responsibility (or even the majority of it) does not empower her. It is a condescending pat on the head that tells her and all other women that she could not have known what she was doing because she is just a girl.
And let’s be clear: she WAS 18, not 14. A 14 year old does not have the emotional or cognitive maturity to give consent to a 28 year old; can you fairly say that of an 18 year old? While you can rightly say that the brain of an 18 year old is still developing, at some point an individual has to take a fair amount of credit for his or her own actions.
Sure it is slightly creepy when 28-year-olds hit on/have sex with 18-year-olds, sure he sounds like a jerk, sure he sounds emotionally manipulative, but the world is full of manipulative people, and the world is full of jerks, and she said yes.
Clearly, her heart wasn’t in the yes, clearly she regretted it the next day, clearly she wished she hadn’t said yes, but clearly she DID say yes. Now maybe this creepy douchebag asshole KNEW that she wasn’t totally hot for him, people often have had sex with people they are not all that interested in, but it does not mean they were rapes; when he asked, she said yes. And maybe he ALSO knew that he had to convince her that it would be OK, and that her boyfriend wouldn’t have to know, and that she wouldn’t feel guilty in the morning; guys try to use that line pretty often when asking for sex; when this guy asked she said yes. Also, people often regret things/people they do even while they are doing them, but not all of them were raped.
Yes he was a creepy douchebag manipulative asshole, but the world is full of them and not all of them are rapists. He may be a creepy douchebag manipulative asshole, and she may have felt regretful, and manipulated, and put down by him, but he didn’t have sex with her UNTIL she said yes.
Tell her that she was manipulated, tell her that she was put down, tell her that she was put-down, and tell her that she made mistakes that led her to be preyed upon by an asshole, but don’t pat her on her pretty little head and tell her that she couldn’t have done anything to stop it. Don’t tell her that she was raped.
As far as female blue balls goes… I’m FtM transgender, and have experienced blue balls (or blue ovaries) on numerous occasions. Usually it’s during a marathon masturbation session, where I’m all worked up for hours on end without actually orgasming. Eventually, I get a deep ache in my pelvis, similar to the menstrual cramps I thankfully no longer have. It (mostly) goes away after orgasm, although there’s still a small amount of residual pain afterward.
I’m not sure if testosterone had any impact on this, as I was the opposite of sexually active (even solo) before HRT. But yeah, you don’t have to have balls to have blue balls. Food for thought 🙂
Also, I had heard that if you are HIV+ and know it and do not disclose and end up having unprotected sex, it’s illegal. Am I misinformed on that point?
“Everyone detected with AIDS should be tattooed in the upper forearm, to protect common needle users, and on the buttock, to prevent the victimization of other homosexuals.”
– William F. Buckley
Above is the quote Dan was referring to, not my personal opinion.
@clarkma5 Dan was being sarcastic about blue balls… very, very sarcastic. Come on, a couple DECADES of sex/other intimate encounters and friendships with a variety of guys and advice to-from lots of people and you can’t grasp that his blanket statement was a way to make himself the dope which CLEARLY many of his callers are (remember, plenty of people think “if it happens to me, it happens to all; if not to me, to no one” and likewise plenty think gay is a choice to rebel against nature… Dan can play the court jester and idiot when he has guests–just like him saying “girls don’t have orgasms” a minute later in the same question… it makes idiots of people who DO say that crap, so sorry if you got butthurt by not taking your call and by having a good time with his guest, but assuming he’s serious made the fool of YOU this time. He DOES have a sense of humor, and while you may not like his approach, whereas when it’s a call and him answering the call directly, you should at least allow for the dynamic between Dan and the guest. He could be saying the same things factually without his sarcasm and biting edge and he’d be on AM radio with a devoted audience of about 15…
He gets thousands of letters and calls and can only take a selection that either are most interesting, most relevant, or a good representative of callers.
How much more did the doc need to say about hemorrhoid shop talk? You discount several minutes of talk, of legit advice and layman explanation because Dan mentions the very honest truth–just ask Bible belt Christians it makes squirm what the health risks of anal are–that anal gets a bad rap because people jump to the conclusion a person’s hemorrhoids/fissures/etc are, when they are anally-active, all because of anal (despite the vast majority of people with them claiming they’re not engaging in anal)? Dan managed to incorporate a LOT of questions a LOT of people asked while still keeping a light attitude so we didn’t all puke up our breakfasts…
I don’t agree with quite a bit of what Dan says/writes, but good grief, you want MORE doctor talk, others want LESS… if you don’t like it, don’t listen. If you’re going to critique him, do it with respect and maturity (it’s his show and it’s offered FREE so your opinion’s worth less than a hill of beans that would at least prevent hemorrhaging, unlike your hot temper). If you truly need hemorrhoid info, GO TO A GOD DAMNED DOCTOR or even a health teacher/professor/triage nurse/health hotline. Why are you asking him for medical advice or resenting that of thousands of medical calls, yours didn’t make the cut with the tech savvy for whatever reason? (He even said ages ago that calling repeatedly doesn’t help=they heard it once; they don’t need to hear it again.)
@clarkma5: “LEAVE DAN ALONE!!!” hahahaha!
I’ve only listened to the first half of the podcast, but so far, I’m a chick, and I have serious blue balls. You think anyone would notice if I occupied the handicapped stall at work for 15 minutes?…
I am curious if anyone has the link to the study Dan talked about stating that when a pos person is taking meds and has an undetectable viral load, that it is rare to transmit HIV. I would like to pass this info along, but only if I can cite sources.
Thanks for a great episode, Dr. Chu. You too Dan. Please have Dr. Chu back on the program, he was enlightened and sounded very sexy!
re: blue balls – I’ve had it where I initiated sex but he came and I didn’t. Within a few hours, I had developed fluid buildup on the side of my balls, almost like as if it was a varicocele. I literally power-wanked myself to relieve the pain, ejaculated buckets, and the fluid in my balls disappeared. I don’t think the pain comes from the prostate. And it doesn’t happen all the time.
re: rape – I’m sympathetic to the girl totally. But whatever the manipulation, if she said yes and went ahead and didn’t withdraw consent, what is the guy supposed to do?
On “blue balls”: painful vasocongestion is an actual condition that occurs for both men and women. It’s referred pain to the testicles. It’s not the result of not getting off, it’s the result of sexual arousal lasting for hours. The fact that it’s real doesn’t mean that it isn’t frequently used for sexual guilting, especially since orgasm will immediately relieve the vasocongestion, and orgasms can be self-administered through masturbation.
See: Scarleteen
That caller WAS raped; she was subject to sexual coercion, the man did not respect her desire to not have sex and coerced her into it. Consent is not the result of constant nagging, it’s the result of active, willing participation. It’s fucking rape. Doing stupid shit that puts one into a really vulnerable position doesn’t mean that the other person isn’t a rapist/asshole, though I agree with the sentiment that one can learn from those situations in order to avoid that kind of vulnerability.
Again, see this Scarleteen article on “gray rape” and why it’s just plain rape.
Active consent is an important practice for both men and women. Practicing active consent, always, will help create a culture in which it’s obvious that there’s nothing “gray” about “gray rape” as opposed to our present rape culture in which many practices that are rape are normalized and therefore seen as ambiguous.
That second sentence was bad, it should have read: “For men, it can be experienced as referred pain to the testicles, hence the ‘balls’ part.”
For the caller who was wondering if she was raped: I agree with Dan, it really doesn’t matter what she calls it. She was hurt and she needs to heal. It’s her experience and she needs to define it.
I heard something else in her voice and her question that troubled me though. As a survivor of a sexual assault, I have learned the hard way that there is a fine line between taking responsibility for yourself and feeling like maybe you really deserved what happened.
The caller needs to nicer to herself. What happened to her will change who she is, but how it changes her is up to her. Everyone makes bad decisions and it sounds like there are things she wishes she would have done differently. This is normal. Even though I was attacked by a stranger, there were lots of things I would have done differently if I had the chance. Unfortunately there are very few do overs in life. The important thing for me was learning from my mistakes without blaming myself for making them. Everyone makes mistakes.
Sometimes well meaning comments cut like a knife. Some of the stuff that comes out of people’s mouths can be really traumatic. She needs to find safe people to talk to if she needs help defining what happened and moving forward… maybe someone who isn’t emotionally invested.
@puppydogtails: What’s the guy supposed to do? Not nag for a half hour until the “no”s turn into “yes”es. Because there was an eventual yes, it’s not actionable in court. But it was still an utterly awful thing to do to someone.
On the other hand, commenter “you” is right about one thing- we have to take charge. We have to say no and stick to it and not collapse under pressure because it’s what we’ve been taught to do.
That was definitely not a rape, even though sex-negative radical feminists define any sex that a woman regrets afterwards as “rape” (but of course they don’t call a woman rapist if the guy regrets it the next morning!).
She willingly went upstairs with him and said yes. That it took some time for her to agree to sex does not make it rape, otherwise any seduction would be considered “rape”. Or what about the blue balls guy? Initially she didn’t want to have sex with him but later changed her mind. According to some commenting here, if a woman says “no” first but later changes her mind to “yes” it’s rape. So by that “logic” blue balls guy was a “rapist” too.
Obviously we need to get away from this rape inflation – if a consent was given it was not rape. Plain and simple!
@14 you are 100% right. In Washington State, at least, it is illegal to knowingly expose someone to a sexually transmitted disease. The Washington State Bar Journal addressed this in a recent issue. There isn’t much case law on it, yet, but it is, in fact, illegal.
And regarding the caller about female ejaculators: please. Your ladyfriend can visibly show you that she’s enjoying this as much as you think she is. Men (and women) everywhere are jealous, and you are just bragging, disguising it as complaining.
I was very disappointed with the way the show handled the HIV related question. The answer to the lady who called is: “mind your own business; you are not the sex police”.
The responsibility to keep everyone HIV negative is not on HIV positive people (because actually 80% of people living with HIV do not know their status (do all of you?). The responsibility I son EVERYONE! So relying on a 10 second Q&A : “are you clean? – Yes, no worries, keep fucking” is unacceptable in a world that has known HIV for 30 years, and where dozens of other STIs are present. What is up with the pointing fingers and stigmatization of a person who is HIV positive?!?! Do you think an HIV positive person must disclose his/her status every time? Are persons living with HIV unable to have a quickie, a one-night stand, anonymous sex like everyone else? Because let’s face it, if you say you are HIV positive who da fak will let you in? Will it be acceptable if I start pointing fingers at women who have had an abortion; at someone I know had an STI?; at some of the poly-amorous or other freaks who call this show and feel out of place? Bad, bad, bad. It sounded like an answer from the 80’s.
One more in response to the blue balls issue…I’m a lady, I don’t suffer from blue balls, but when I’m especially hormonal sometimes my breasts feel very tender. If they get touched then, I’m likely to be a little displeased. You mentioned that there’s no way to “test” if a dude is telling you the truth about having blue balls….here’s an idea, we can use what my Doctor refers to as a chandelier response. Last year, when he was checking out my kidneys for signs of infection, he lightly tapped them, citing that, if I indeed had a kidney infection at this light gesture I would be “swinging from the chandelier” literally leaping out of the seat in pain. I think, if a guy’s motives are in question, lightly tapping the balls when he’s not expecting it should indicate whether he’s actually in pain or not. I’m not talking a swift kick or anything awful….just a little nudge to see if he means it. Seems like a simple enough test, and a forgivable one if the guy is then able to have the much needed orgasm…I think it could be a bit of a game if handled correctly. Thoughts?
Great Guest!
Re female blueballs, I’d second moral hazard above – I’ve experienced an ache in the pelvis similar to menstrual cramps after prolonged arousal. Couldn’t tell you if it’s a blood flow thing or muscle tension, feels like it could be either.
@22, nope not rape. Coercion is not the same thing as convincing. Coercion involves force, threats or some other form of duress, all we know is that this guy nagged and inveigled.
Ask yourself this, suppose the guy involved was arrested by the police as a rapist and extracted from him a confession without using any degree of duress beyond that which he used on the young woman.
Was that hypothetical confession extracted by coercion and hence inadmissable?
The podcasts have all been good until this one, and I have listened to almost all of them. The Guest sucked! He had lousy radio presence and delivery, and his advice was sub-par compared to what I have heard from previous guests. I hope there are other doctor’s available in Seattle that provide the services he offers because I would not recommend him based on his performance. Too much time was spent where you both spent talking compared to substantively answering caller’s questions. Dan, you seemed unfocused and not your normally sharp and perceptive self. What’s up?
Dan, I loved Dr. Vy Chu. Please have him on again. Don’t listen to the judgmental fools who are saying bad things about him. They’re expecting him to sound like a professional radio personality. He isn’t; so lay off him, huh? He answered candidly, helpfully, and with good humor. I think he added a lot to the broadcast. (Also, he sounds cute. Can you post his picture?)
Please, have Dr. Chu on again!
The female equivalent of blue balls experienced as intense pelvic discomfort and unrest after having been significantly aroused and then denied orgasm should probably be called something like pouty pussy. It is extremely uncomfortable and in my personal experience if it occurs around bedtime can make sleep impossible until orgasm has been achieved. Not painful (at least to me) but super undesirable and wayyyyy frustrating.
@ Cloudgazer: Believe it or not, that has happened. Techniques just like that have been used to extract even false confessions out of people. Humans are funny creatures. If someone keeps coming at you with basically the same question, and you feel trapped in the situation, you may eventually change your answer as the only way to make the cycle end, however self destructive that may be. Laws concerning this were put in place following the conviction of a Louisiana man who was questioned over and over again without an actual arrest being made. They wore him down and he changed his story to what they wanted to hear even though it was untrue.
Even though I’m falling on the side of “that was rape”, I must clarify- I am not in favor of excessive prosecution of gray area sexual pressure, but rather of education and empowerment so that easy marks are harder to find- for all genders.
dan really sounded like he was laying on the flirtation pretty thick.
@Cloudgazer: the big difference is that this girl was free to leave at any time. So we have a girl who went up to a room with a guy *willingly*, stayed in that room *willingly* and eventually and after some convincing, but still *willingly* had sex with the guy.
I do not see how anyone can in good conscience call this rape. The reason the boyfriend is pushing the rape interpretation is probably because he did/does not want to face teh fact that she cheated on him. Wake up and smell the mix of latex, sperm and pussy juices (should we call that heterosexual version of santorum a gingrich or schwarzenegger?) dude!
I am a long time reader & listener (I’ve listened to every podcast) & I really enjoyed this one! Dr Vy Chu was informative, insightful & had a sense of humor too! This was probably one of my fave guest speaker, aside from when Dan was in the village in NYC & shared the podcast with some guy who hangs out there, runs an advice booth, or something. Can’t remember his name!
I really liked this episode…a lot to comment about…I was wondering if the guests husband was a little surprised by all of the flirting between Dan and the good doc. Thought the doc was a great guest and was glad that he got invited back…it was nice to hear a doctor other than Dr. Drew or Sanjay Gupta giving advice.
The thing that really got to me though was the “rape” call. I’m not sure what bothered me so much, but it stuck with me. I think Dan was holding back a little for fear of offending anyone, but I got the sense that he did not think this was rape and was afraid to say it. That is not the Dan I am used to. The Dan I’m a fan of really lays out his opinions and calls bullshit. I think the caller needed to own up to her decision to have sex with someone that she shouldn’t have. She made a sexual error in judgment, nothing more. Short of any sort of threat of (explicit or implied) violence, I don’t see how anything can be called rape. I’ve been in make out situations that I wanted to take further and was told no and then persisted with extra foreplay and a littel oral and the nos have vanished..is that coersion or rape because they initially said no? I have also been in situations where the nos never progressed to sex and I didn’t force the issue. I think it comes down to whether or not you are coming from the standpoint of intimidation or seduction and arousal. intimidating someone into sex is sick, but not necessarily rape, arousing someone into sex is just plain fun. I feel sorry for the girl for her inability to own her decision and move on and learn from it. and I think it is disempowering to some extent to imply that you can be raped when you are verbally coerced into saying yes to sex. It sort of implies that you are not strong enough to make your own decisions and will succumb to others’ will. Far healthier to own it and learn from it, I also think this approach reduces the feelings of victimization.
Great show. As for needing more fiber (to help reduce hemorroid flareups), that means way more veggies! Eating vegan (w/ lots of fruits/vegetables) will get you plenty of fiber & regular/healthy bowel movements. 🙂
Dr. Chu was a great guest. Very informative.
In response to the woman who feels violated (and maybe raped):
You found yourself in a shitty situation and you’re left dealing with the consequences with what was, at the very least, emotional abuse and disrespect for your boundaries. I can understand the desire to draw a clear line (either my family is right and this person raped me and I have no responsibility or my family is wrong and it wasn’t rape and I need to take responsibility for whatever I did to get into this situation). It also sounds as though you are still feeling violated a bit- by your family continuing to press the issue although you want to call it a bad situation in which you got yourself in over your head. I can also understand the desire to take accountability for whatever actions you may feel put you in that situation – there’s a sense that “if I can figure out what I did wrong, then I can avoid ending up in that situation again.”
Give yourself permission to do whatever it is you need to feel better. If you need to identify it as rape, call it rape and move forward with your healing from this rape. If you need to take some responsibility and spend some time identifying the ways in which you feel responsible so that you can better avoid that situation (and that type of predatory person) in the future, take whatever responsibility makes you feel able to move forward with more awareness and attention to your safety and boundaries. If you need to tell your family to back off- that continuing to pressure you to define this thing that you’re still really confused about is causing you more frustrating and suffering and keeping you from being able to heal and move on from this violation- tell your family to back off.
Just be kind to yourself and remember that there are bad people in the world and while we can’t not hurt when they do bad things to us, we can learn how to better avoid them in the future (which is what I really hear you wanting).
I’ve experienced the female equivalent of “blue balls” twice. And gods, it hurts. Considering all the other comments from women who’ve experienced it, there should be a more specific friggin’ term for it.
I can vouch for the female blue ball syndrome, as i have experienced this often! It totally sucks and is not only uncomfortable but painful, as well.
Lady Blue balls are definitely real!