Kate Michael Farrah Jackson, beloved philanthropist, terrorizer of wee butt-holes, and surely the most sinewy and blond and shampoo-commercially of all Charlie’s alleged “Angels,” died today—the tragic victim of a combination of ass cancer and a revenge killing perpetrated by what was left of her own mangled nose. (She was already desperately weakened by years of daily plastic surgery, piles of alleged prescription drugs, and inappropriate pillow fights. What was left of the abused nose—which broke off, skittered into the woods, and went quite mad years ago—used her weakened state to its advantage to sneak into her house and set the bed on fire, TMZ reports. The nose has been formerly charged.)

Kate began her career, as do so many talented, young blond black boys, taking orders from John Forsythe via a little paneled speaker box. She appeared on Soul Train and American Bandstand (at the exact same time!) before the tender age of 7 and spent her teenage years in disguise as a door-to-door Jehovah’s Witness. When she was too old and sinewy (like beef jerky! With amazing hair!) to be an Angel (or a Jehovah’s Witness) anymore, Kate started moonwalking professionally and dating a chimpanzee and Madonna at the same time. (At the Grammys!)

But of course, Kate made an equally large splash in the business world, by inventing very successful things like the popular children’s beverage “Jesus Juice” and by never paying her bills. After her tragic breakups with her first husband, Lisa Marie Presley, and her second husband, a 12-year-old cancer boy from Nebraska or something, she married Ryan O’Neal, her nose fell off, and, well, ass cancer. Ouch. Ironic, really.

She is survived by that one tall, skinny Angel that no one ever thinks about and Ryan O’Neal. She was old. RIP, her! recommended