Kate Michael Farrah Jackson, beloved philanthropist, terrorizer of wee butt-holes, and surely the most sinewy and blond and shampoo-commercially of all Charlie’s alleged “Angels,” died today—the tragic victim of a combination of ass cancer and a revenge killing perpetrated by what was left of her own mangled nose. (She was already desperately weakened by years of daily plastic surgery, piles of alleged prescription drugs, and inappropriate pillow fights. What was left of the abused nose—which broke off, skittered into the woods, and went quite mad years ago—used her weakened state to its advantage to sneak into her house and set the bed on fire, TMZ reports. The nose has been formerly charged.)

Kate began her career, as do so many talented, young blond black boys, taking orders from John Forsythe via a little paneled speaker box. She appeared on Soul Train and American Bandstand (at the exact same time!) before the tender age of 7 and spent her teenage years in disguise as a door-to-door Jehovah’s Witness. When she was too old and sinewy (like beef jerky! With amazing hair!) to be an Angel (or a Jehovah’s Witness) anymore, Kate started moonwalking professionally and dating a chimpanzee and Madonna at the same time. (At the Grammys!)

But of course, Kate made an equally large splash in the business world, by inventing very successful things like the popular children’s beverage “Jesus Juice” and by never paying her bills. After her tragic breakups with her first husband, Lisa Marie Presley, and her second husband, a 12-year-old cancer boy from Nebraska or something, she married Ryan O’Neal, her nose fell off, and, well, ass cancer. Ouch. Ironic, really.

She is survived by that one tall, skinny Angel that no one ever thinks about and Ryan O’Neal. She was old. RIP, her! recommended

Adrian Ryan is a Stranger senior contributing writer and nightlife columnist. He has been writing for The Stranger since late 1997, and he’s pretty sure he still hasn’t been paid for some really early...

15 replies on “RIP, Kate Jackson”

  1. I thought you were dead of AIDS. I guess not, which is really too bad. You are not deserving of life, you worthless piece of shit.

  5. #4

    Seattle has grown a bit tired of Ardrian and his confused child-man thing. It was funny 15 years ago – not much now.

    And Death is really not to be mocked … unless that is all you have in your pen … and as we see … that is all.

    Get a job Adrian, give up the drugs at your age. Mid life is a time to try a new direction, a new perspective. And old wounds can be left behind.

    Your writing skills have become trite and stagnated.

    Signed, On the Hill Boy

  7. Best headline ever. Funny article too … The DJ kids would call this a “mashup”. Don’t listen to the haters, Adrian!

  9. You’re bad. We know it! But so funny…

    And Fnarf, just a friendly reminder that you could probably use another cup of coffee about now.

  11. Eh, not really an MJ fan, but this is just a waste of pixels/print. Cokehead ramblings don’t do anyone much good…hopefully they’re confined to blogs.

  13. Seriously, everyone’s saying relax and have a sense of humor about this bullshit drivel that isn’t even funny or well written!

    Stranger, where are you finding your talent these days? The welfare office?

  15. Right now I’m a wee bit curious to see what Adrian would look like at age 62.
    Would Adrian Ryan O’Neal Majors be dying of cancer, constantly throwing up and losing all those (sighhhh!) youthfully exuberant looks (GASP!!!) that contributed to millions in hair care products, toothpaste, and had people worldwide drooling over a swimsuit poster?

    I guess the Stranger IS suddenly getting desperate for writers.

Comments are closed.