Drinking and Drugs
How to Binge Drink
If you’re new to this, you’re going to want to start with something
basic: Pabst Blue Ribbon, vodka and cranberry juice, or some sort of
hard lemonade are all good beginner drinks. You’ll drink 10 of them
before you realize it, and there’s really no shame in drinking
candy-flavored crap until you’ve got this drinking thing down.
On that note, there are several fundamental rules to follow any time
you consume a liver- and inhibition-obliterating amount of alcohol: Do
it with people you trust—there’s nothing worse than blacking out
and waking up in some stranger’s backyard covered in vomit because your
friends wouldn’t help you stagger home. Drink lots of water or Gatorade
before you pass out (you will kick yourself later if you don’t). Avoid
Southern Comfort. And finally, do not binge drink before 3:00 p.m.
Otherwise, you’ll be hungover by dinnertime and want to kill
yourself.
How to Drink Like an Adult
Do not order a rum-and-anything. Do not order a Diet-and-anything.
Do not drink anything that is pink or anything that is blended. Do not
drink malt liquor or schnapps of any variety. Do not drink anything
containing flecks of gold or taurine. Do not order any drink that has
more than three components; two components are preferable. Do not
partake in any drinking that involves dropping one beverage into
another, nor in any drinking that involves a funnel. Do not do shots.
While drinking games may have their pleasures, rest assured you are
venturing out of the realm of adult like drinking if dice, cards, coins,
word cues, elaborate hand gestures, or rules of any kind are involved.
Do not gulp. Drinking is the accompaniment to another activity, such as
conversation or eating; drinking is not an activity unto itself. Do not
say or do things that are dramatically different from the things you
would say or do while not drinking. Do not cause difficulty for others
due to your drinking, and do not let your drinking cause difficulties
for you. All of these fall into two basic rules which also apply to
life as a whole: Don’t get too complicated about it and don’t be an
asshole.
How to Smoke Pot
Despite what TV, your parents, and your high-school guidance
counselor might have told you, pot will not kill you or make you
permanently stupid. If anything, it makes sex and food a million times
better, and makes logic and philosophy classes tolerable. If you’ve
never smoked pot before, find someone who isn’t a douchebag to get high
with. If a white dude with dreads and Rastafarian Obama T-shirt offers
to smoke you out, decline immediately. Find someone smart; it makes all
the difference. Hang out somewhere comfortable and private. You don’t
need to freak out about getting busted—unless you’re smoking in
your dorm room or right in front of a cop. Settle in, watch a movie,
and enjoy yourself. Or, right after smoking, go for a walk through a
park—you won’t believe how fun it is (so long as you don’t run
into anyone you know and have to pretend you’re not stoned, which is
stressful). Absolutely do not ever smoke weed out of an empty Coke can.
It tastes like shit and will almost definitely give you a brain
tumor.
How to Do Hallucinogens
Hallucinogens—primarily LSD and “magic mushrooms”—can be
an integral part of the college experience, but the use of such
perception-revolutionizing drugs should not be undertaken lightly. Some
people think popping a tab of acid or chomping a cruddy cluster of
‘shrooms is not so different than, say, downing a half-dozen shots of
tequila. These people are stupid. A good hallucinogenic trip can blast
open your brain and soul and cram 14 years of psychotherapy into one
jaw-dropping six-hour stretch—is this the kind of thing you want
to experience at a kegger? Plan carefully, set aside a day in nature,
don’t do anything more strenuous than sitting, and you’ll learn things
you might never have learned otherwise. (Among the classic
hallucinogenic epiphanies: Everything that’s ever been and ever will be
is intricately interconnected, noses are funny, I was wrong about being
able to fly and now I’m dead.)
As for salvia, the smokeable, legal-for-the-time-being hallucinogen
available for purchase in head shops: Don’t let its accessibility fool
you. This shit can pack the aforementioned 14 years of psychotherapy
into one hardcore, five-minute blast. Use with caution and in the
presence of a nonusing chaperone.
How to Do Harder Drugs
Cocaine is not as much fun as it thinks it is, and snorting anything
is gross, so if you’re looking for a giddy night of love and warm
fuzzies, you’re better off with a hit of ecstasy. (Fair warning: The
day after ecstasy can S-U-C-K—think horrible hangover plus
suicidal ideation—so plan for that, eat as many nutrient-rich
foods the day after as possible, and don’t do it more than twice a
year.) Neither heroin nor crystal meth should be done by anyone, ever;
the fun can’t compete with what it does to your life. As for illicitly
obtained prescription painkillers, they’re God’s greatest gift to the
world since Jesus, but don’t overdo it. Painkillers are constipators.
Remember this phrase: When you cannot poo, no more for you.
Sexual Relations
How to Get a Woman to Sleep with You
(If You Are a Man)
To sleep with a woman, you must do your best to be seen with other
women. Your sister, your cousin, your mother—any woman who is not
too old and too ugly will do. Just be seen hanging out with them. If
you are seen hanging out with guys, you will end up with just
that—guys. If you are seen hanging out by yourself, you will end
up with just that—yourself. This is not about clothes or looks or
money. It’s about appearing to be desired by another woman. There is no
other or faster way to work it. If you have to, beg your mom to go with
you to a club—in the dark, she will look young and you, sir, will
look desirable. This is the law of the love jungle.
How to Get a Man to
Sleep with You
(If You Are a Woman)
First of all, how high are your standards? Do you exist? A lot of
men will sleep with you based solely on that. Unfortunately, many of
those men are hobos. If you’re trying to bag some landed gentry (or at
least a renter), here’s what’s up: Put on some makeup (not too much).
Show some skin (not too much). Find someone who can consistently cut
your hair in a flattering way. Before you go out, listen to the
dirtiest rap music you can find. Leave the house. Smile a lot. Convince
yourself that if you were a man, you would definitely want to have sex
with you. Then project that confidence. Don’t be annoying. Don’t be
desperate. Hang out in places where people are drunk. Have fun. Use a
condom.
How to Get a Woman to Sleep with You
(If You Are a Woman)
Don’t try too hard to prove that you’re the kind of girl who sleeps
with girls. The costume isn’t necessary. Leave the rainbow-themed
jewelry, the interlocking female-symbol tattoo, the Indigo Girls
T-shirt, the boxers peeking out of your cargo shorts, and the
ultrashort hairdo at home. (For those about to protest: There is a
difference between being butch and being a clichéd pride-parade
billboard.) Instead, use a little charm to let her know what you’re
thinking. Check her out—but don’t leer—from across the
room. Take a gamble on a charming introduction, and ease into flirty
and smart conversation. Is she laughing and sticking around? You’re
almost there. Now is the time to get her a drink and sprinkle in a
little casual physical contact, the kind that seems innocent, but
lingers longer than a friend’s touch would. She’ll take the hint, and
either find an excuse to ditch you and get back to her friends, or wait
until the morning after to tell them how amazing you are.
How to Get a Man to
Sleep with You
(If You Are a Man)
This is best accomplished through proper grooming, good manners,
visible self-confidence (fake it if you have to), and a general lack of
doucheyness (no lying, no drugging, no secret videotaping).
Good-natured forthrightness will be appreciated by anyone worth getting
involved with: “Hello. You are cute. Would you like to go to the
movies?”
As for the sex—essentially, you have sex with a man the same
way you have sex with a woman: consensually, passionately, and with a
condom. As Stranger dean Dan Savage so succinctly put it,
heteros need birth control, homos need death control—or at least,
in this age of HIV drugs, control over a lifetime of costly,
restrictive medications. If you’re not comfortable discussing condom
use with a prospective sex partner, he shouldn’t be a prospective sex
partner—stick to making out (fun!), mutual masturbation
(funner!), and frottage (funnest!). Abiding by this rule will allow you
to indulge in the plethora of sexual dalliances sure to be thrown your
way as a hot young college thing, without giving you an expensive,
eternal souvenir. If a prospective sex partner tries to talk you out of
wearing a condom, wear two condoms—or, better yet, run as fast as
possible in the opposite direction. If you’re the type of man who has
sex with men who frequent cruisey homo websites, include photos of your
face or your wang, but never both. (It may seem ridiculous now, but
someday you might be drafted into politics—look at Sarah Palin,
who frottaged her way through six colleges.) Finally, don’t have sex
with meth-heads; it only encourages them.
What to Do if You Have Something Rashy and/or Pus Filled Down
There
Don’t panic. You are not the first person to find bugs on your
balls, but ignoring them will not make them go away. You need to visit
the STD clinic—right now. And don’t have sex again until you do.
The saints in scrubs will give you tough love and a little ointment.
Here are three of several local resources:
Public Health STD Clinic: Located in the basement of
Harborview Medical Center on First Hill, the STD Clinic provides
walk-in testing and treatment. Arrive early in the day and bring a book
in case there’s a long wait. Hours: Monday through Friday from 7:45
a.m. to 6:30 p.m., except Tuesdays, when it opens at 9:30 a.m. Phone:
731-3590. Address: 325 Ninth Avenue. Cost: sliding scale.
HIV/STD Hotline: 205-7873 or 800-678-1595, call Monday though
Friday between 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. for clinic referrals, directions,
and answers to your burning questions.
Gay City Health Project: Testing Tuesday thought Friday from
3:30 p.m. to 8:00 p.m., and Saturday from 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. On
Capitol Hill, 511 East Pike Street. Appointments recommended: 860-6969.
Cost: free (donations are accepted).
Avoid trips to the clinic in the first place by having an upfront
conversation about people’s STD status before you sleep with them and
sleeping with fewer people. And always use condoms.
A Few More Words About Life
How to Get Along with People Who Are Different from You
It’s inevitable: At some point in college you’re going to have to
hang out with/work on a project with/live in a tiny dorm room with/fuck
someone who you just can’t relate to. At all. Maybe they’re a
Republican. Or from Germany or something. Maybe their custom
license-plate holder says “I’D RATHER BE AT A JASON MRAZ CONCERT” (true
story). What do you do? Well, once you get started, it’s surprisingly
easy to pretend to like people. Think of it as lying to someone’s face
disguised as a science experiment. In conversation, helpful phrases
include “Ha ha! Cool!” and “Bummer, dude.” Better yet, try to find some
common ground, like old Professor O’Fauntleroy’s crazy mustache or how
much you both like Jurassic Park (because of the dinos!). The
point is to get this person to think that you are awesome. It is way
easier to like people who like you.
How to Avoid Horrible Debt
Don’t get a credit card. It really is that simple. Taking on
credit-card debt is the single dumbest decision you can make as a
college student. Credit-card companies wouldn’t exist without gullible
college kids who think they’re getting free money and end up tens of
thousands of dollars in debt. Washington State’s usury laws are almost
nonexistent, meaning that if you miss even a single payment, you’re
looking at interest rates of around 30 percent. Even if you think you
won’t get sucked in, the odds are against you: Credit-card users in the
U.S. owed $970 billion, or $3,180 per person. Don’t be one of them. Get
a checking account—or a prepaid card—instead.
How to Be a Lefty Without Being Annoying
Great, you’re a lefty. You chose well. The far worse choice would
have been opting conservative just to get noticed in Democrat-drenched
Seattle (you’ll never get laid that way). Still, it’s important that
you not walk around your college campus acting as if you’ve done
something profound just by declaring your liberal allegiance. It’s
possible that saying you’re a liberal will feel profound to you because
you come from a small conservative town and your parents are Sarah and
Todd Palin (right-wing religious-fundamentalist wackadoos). If that’s
your situation, you get exactly 10 minutes of moderately deserved
recognition starting now. But, everyone else? Shut your
self-congratulating mouths and stop strutting around as if the end of
some great hero’s journey occurred when you put that Obama button on
your book bag. Politics is for citizens, you are a citizen, citizens of
voting age have a duty to have informed political opinions, so if you
have an informed political opinion and a party allegiance and you vote,
well, all you’ve accomplished are the most basic tasks of citizenship.
Don’t expect a medal. If you do something more—work for a
campaign, register other people to vote, push a policy issue, community
organize (suck it, Sarah!)—then maybe, maybe, you can
consider yourself special.
How to Criticize The Stranger at Parties
Who deserves your scorn more than The Stranger? Bunch of
elitist fucks. But, when complaining about said fucks, don’t waste your
time on clichés like, “They’re just smug, insular,
self-flattering Cap Hill residents who ride fixed-gear bicycles in
skinny jeans to the Cha Cha to drink gin and tonics and talk about the
New Yorker.” Too boring! Plus, it’s not even accurate. If you
ever met members of the Stranger staff, you’d know they’re
actually a flock of nerds in cargo shorts drinking carafes of iced tea
at Cafe Presse. There’s a difference. And “Cap Hill” is the densest
neighborhood in the city. People live there. And the New Yorker is good. What are you guys talking about? Plus, there are plenty
of legitimate complaints that you could, and should, level at The
Stranger‘s pretentious kingdom. How about, “Too gay!” or “Um,
there’s only one person of color on your full-time editorial staff!” or
that old chestnut, “U GUYZ R FAT.” Ha ha. Got ’em. You got ’em good.
Fatties.
Regarding harder drugs, specifically the post-ecstasy crash: take a multivitamin beforehand (if you don’t take a daily multi anyway) and a couple of 5-HTP capsules afterwards (available at most health-food stores). That should help. But don’t do it too often anyway or you’ll build up a tolerance.
It cannot be stated enough: stay the fuck away from coke and meth. You know the wierd, twitchy dude slugging down Mountain Dew outside the AM/PM in your hometown at 11p.m. on a Friday night? That’s meth.
This is great– like a table-of-contents for life; it’s there in shorthand and if you need more in-depth info, look it up! Thanks!
also, the only music The Stranger really cares about is indie rock.
The insular crack isn’t so much cliche, as God’s honest truth.
If the Stranger staff left Cap Hill every once in a while (perhaps to do something important like cover Darcy Burner’s campagn or drink), they wouldn’t e so wrong aout the viaduct.
They acknowledge that there are only 5 damn north-south thouroughfares, but have this silly idea that we should replace one limited access, shipping-traffic-bearing one with a damn boulevard and yuppy condos (extremely damned).
Of course, this is not merely a a lack of travel but a failure of the imagination. A Seattle waterfront dominated by a structure that looks like a Roman aquaduct, celebrates Seattle’s old brick buildings (think Safeco), or an emerald-green, ivy-covered forest (perhaps a combination or alternation of the three, by turns) would look fine. More importantly, once you clear the parking lots underneath, you have a long umbrella over public space along the waterfront, perfect for parade-veiwing stands, craft tents, performances, beer gardens and/or street-food. It would be the screened portion of Seattle’s front porch and fricking awesome.
Insular pricks.
Amen on the credit card advice. Credit card companies just looooooove college students. The combination of freedom from mom n dad, lack of allowance from same, and the often financially tight circumstances of studenthood all make for easy targets. They start you out with those little credit cards on training wheels, and just keep upping your credit limit. I’m in my early thirties, and friends from college who had credit card debt at the time never really got out of it for the most part, and those who did never stayed in the black very long. It became a pattern.
yeah, you got into to college but forget about using a credit card. you’re not able to handle it. you’re not responsible enough. forget about building a solid credit history for the future or earning free miles to use on spring break.
Instead trust the Stranger – they do not think you can be trusted with your own finances, college kids. Paying your bill every month, gee, I guess even for some wise journalists that’s a lot to expect.
The way to survive E comedown is to acquire X@n@x and just sleep through it. Start with .25mg, wait 20 minutes, see how it hits you (it’s strong and fast-acting). Don’t take a whole 2mg tab your first time, especially if you’ve had any alcohol, which you SHOULDN’T HAVE, as alcohol and E don’t mix.
do writers at the stranger really think college kids spend time discussing them at parties?
talk about ego desperation!
even if you’re trying to prove a point by wearing two condoms- DON’T. the friction will make them more likely to break. uh oh.
yeah yeah yeah
everything you need to know about LIFE begins with transparent pandering to college kids about doing drugs
oh ok. not only is this laughably bad, a repeat from last year, and not nearly as witty as the writers imagine… it’s just so out of touch. It really shows it’s been a long long time since anyone at the stranger was in college.
Hey Dan, and ECB, is this guide really something you guys are proud of? It’s terrible!!!!!
college kids consider writers at The Stranger to be “elitist fucks?”
uh, i really doubt they give writers at The Stranger 2 seconds of thought.
and this guide makes it pretty apparent The Stranger thinks college kids are stuck living in some sort of 1980s pre-Internet pre-Facebook losing-my-virginity comedy movie where the editors of an, ahem, newspaper, are somehow powerful “elitist fucks”? WTF?!
And condoms don’t stop HPV, folks: the exposed bitz can still transmit. Warts won’t end your life, but they will make for some difficult pillow talk.
1.) DO take on credit card debt, if you can do so responsibly and pay your balance every month. Use it for groceries or some shit. Helps build credit. Between this, ARMs, and the fact that you’re all constantly broke, Stranger staffers are probably the least qualified people to give advice on personal finance.
2.) Please stay on Capitol Hill. At least that way I don’t have to deal with you.
The Stranger is AWESOME! Regarding the use of 5-HTP after taking ecstasy, check out the information at http://www.ecstasy.org/qanda/index.html . Knowledge and a good, non-using friend who knows you are taking it are needed. I completely agree with jessica, stay the hell away from such dangerous drugs as meth and coke, they fray the edges of your psyche seriously enough to warrant a permanent “X = poison” label.
A credit card is a good idea if you use it to buy things you can afford at places like restaurants and bars, where there is a non-trivial chance that someone will try to ripo you off. You’ll thank yourself later if you charge some money to it every month but always pay on time and in full.
A credit card is a very bad idea if you are like the overwhelming majority of college students and consider your total income to be your paycheck plus the credit limit on your Visa. Nothing beats having to get a cosigner just to get a cell phone because you’ve screwed up your credit rating so much.
re: smoking pot out of a coke can “will almost definitely give you a brain tumor”
Why add this false alarmist crap to a generally amusing opinion piece?
Regarding the advice for Man Getting Woman: I guess if a guy’s looking to just meet a chick and bed her, this might work for some. But it’s kinda like telling a girl to kick off the overall, trade her Chucks for stilettos, get a tan and long blonde hair. YMMV, you know?
I may be in the minority but frankly, when guys I know are mostly surrounded by females, I can’t take him seriously as a long-term sex partner. All I can see is a that he is Gay or B. A playah, or that I will spend a lot of energy making sure I keep looking good to him (usually in vain). In any case, I could never move him from the “just a good friend” to the “maybe he’s the one” category in my mind.
“Plus, there are plenty of legitimate complaints that you could, and should, level at The Stranger’s pretentious kingdom.” Yeah, how about the fact that Dan Savage supported the invasion of Iraq?
I cant believe The Savage supported invading Iraq. Where’s the proof?
Nothing wrong with rum drinks.
Ecstasy sucks. Nine times out of ten it’s not even real – just a racket. Anything with a needle should be avoided (duh), and drugs that require two people to use are out, too. Frankly, fruit juice doesn’t belong in liquor. Don’t guzzle wine, and don’t order Merlot unless you know it’s really, really good; otherwise you’ll come across as a neophyte. Also, if you do insist on mixing your vodka with orange juice, don’t order the expensive Grey Goose. Any subtle difference is lost with all of the mixer. IMPORTANT – when choosing a sex partner, remember that even the preppiest boy/girl from the best school/family can have genital warts. ALWAYS use precaution. Seriously. Get HIV tests at a clinic where they do so anonymously. Your doctor’s office is convenient but they will put the results on your medical record. And don’t get chronic with the pot. Take a little drug holiday from time to time and it’ll be much more fun. If you absolutely must do ecstasy, make sure you follow the advice from this column and also get your hands on a quarter bag of weed (per person) because it will make the next day SO much easier. Worth a day off, too. Personally I hate it.
no condom? use foil…its recyclable even! you pompous hipsters at the stranger ought to love that!
I think this website is wrong and ungodly. This website is just gonna get people killed or badly injured. This website should be blocked so people can’t bring harm to themselves or anyone around them. If you read any of this please don’t pay attention to it. read this comment and read carefully what it says. Stay safe and out of harms way. You don’t want to be where these people are that do this stuff you want to be with God. I promise
I think this website is wrong and ungodly. This website is just gonna get people killed or badly injured. This website should be blocked so people can’t bring harm to themselves or anyone around them. If you read any of this please don’t pay attention to it. read this comment and read carefully what it says. Stay safe and out of harms way. You don’t want to be where these people are that do this stuff you want to be with God. I promise
Fuck god and fuck child of god (and no, I won’t put in a bullshit capital letter G). Also, fuck the tolerant older guy. Brain tumors may be exaggerated alarmism, but the link between alzheimers and aluminum intake is the subject of numerous studies. Aside from that, you should also be a target of this article for being the “tolerant old guy” who deems his sage advice about grass to be worthy of breath- it’s not. I think you could fit in right next to the stereotypical white Rasta dude with your level of annoying self-righteousness. At least the dreadwop is bound to realize he sounds like an idiot and lop off his dreads. For you I fear it may be too late.