7 Subjects Covered by Metal Bands Cuz They Think They’re Gnarly

1. Being slowly driven TO INSANITY!
2. WAR
3. Fuckin’ SERIAL KILLERS
4. ARMAGEDDON, and/or the fuckin’ APOCALYPSE
5. Alcohol and fuckin’ DRUGS
6. Fuckin’ PRISON
7. The government foreclosing on your fuckin’ FARM! (Or is it only Dave Mustaine
who feels this way?)

7 Rockers Who Died for a Reason

1. Bon Scott–so we’d remember to turn our passed-out drunken friends onto
their stomachs. See also Jimi Hendrix.
2. Brian Jones–so we’d remember not to swim while drunk. See also Jeff
Buckley, Will Sinnott (The Shamen).
3. Michael Hutchence–so we’d think twice about mixing sex and drugs.
4. Keith Relf (Yardbirds)–so we’d think twice about practicing the guitar
while taking a bath.
5. John Glasscock (Jethro Tull)–so we’d remember to floss.
6. John Henry Bonham–so we’d know that 40 shots of vodka is excessive.

 7. Randy Rhoads (Quiet Riot)–so we’d remember to not accept rides from
crazy airplane pilots.

The 10 Vital Components of Rock

1. Good hair
2. The powerchord (optional)
3. The ability to jump with bent knees and look like you’re jumping really high
in the air
4. Jack Purcells, not Converse
5. Liquor
6. Cocaine
7. A good left hook
8. Naked fetish women
9. At least three prison tattoos
10. A Turbo Rad and a Big Muff (optional)

3 Great Groupies

1. Cherry Vanilla
2. Pamela Des Barres
3. Nancy Spungeon

7 Classic Rock Records Which Aren’t Really Classic Rock Records at All

1. Peter Frampton Frampton Comes Alive
2. Rush 2112
3. The Rolling Stones Exile on Main Street
4. Journey Frontier
5. Boston Boston
6. Led Zeppelin Houses of the Holy
7. David Bowie Heroes

4 Quotes From Heavy Metal Parking Lot
(The greatest movie ever made about hanging outside a 1986 Judas Priest concert)

1. “Madonna, she’s a dick.”
2. “Robert Halford, I don’t know about you, but the rest of you are dynamite.”

3. Q: “Are you fucked up?” A: “Half-and-half.”
4. “I’d jump his bones.”

Top 10 Crimes Against Real Rock

10. The death of Bon
9. The death of Bonzo
8. Christianity
7. Spandex
6. Guitars with pointy headstalks
5. New Metallica
4. “Stairway to Heaven”
3. Collective Soul
2. Damn Yankees
1. Sammy Hagar

Who’s heaviest: Black Sabbath, Motorhead, or Tad?

1. “War Pigs” vs. “Motorhead” vs. “Sex God Missy”
2. “Paranoid” vs. “Overkill” vs. “Jack Pepsi”
3. “Fairies Wear Boots” vs. “Ace Of Spades” vs. “Wood Goblins”
4. “Iron Man” vs. “Bomber” vs. “Jinx”
5. “Sabbath Bloody Sabbath” vs. “Eat The Rich” vs. “Throat Locust”

… you decide.