THE FIRST THING I want to tell everyone here is that you are all brave women. You are taking your future into your own hands, and I’m here to help you wring it for everything it’s worth. First transparency, please.
WHAT IS LESBIAN GREED?
It conjures up quite the flood of images doesn’t it? Hoarding Melissa Etheridge CDs and vintage issues of On Our Backs. Stockpiling the sperm of healthy men until we work the kinks out of parthenogenesis. Perhaps that recurring dream in which you’re locked in Eagle Hardware overnight with your own forklift. Actually, any extreme or inordinate desire can be a satisfactory basis for a committed relationship with greed. Most people achieve their highest success when they focus their avarice on something that motivates them personally. Like having a new Betsey Johnson top for every day of the year. Or having Betsey Johnson.
Queers are often late bloomers sexually and emotionally, so it only makes
sense that our greed may come late, too. Some people have the wherewithal, often
due to a supportive family, to develop a healthy baseline of greed before they
come out, and that can fairly easily be integrated with the new sexual identity.
For those who have the misfortune to come out wide-eyed and natively generous,
development may be a bit retarded. This does not mean it’s too late.
WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF LESBIAN GREED?
Greed, essentially, is the means through which lesbians can compensate ourselves
for any wrongs visited on us by our cultures and our families. There can be
a huge emptiness in your life caused by lack of public, familial, or personal
acceptance. That hole can be filled starting today, when you make the commitment
to achieve success in the most conventional arenas, and stop at nothing in that
quest.
We live in an acquisitive culture. I suggest, essentially, that you hoard normalcy. Buy cultural success and acceptance. I think everyone here has experienced the flush that rises in your breast at the snap of a credit card on the counter. No ethical therapist can promise that.
People will start to notice you, and not just because you’re the one wearing
slacks and low heels. Greed is rewarded not merely by the spoils of ceaseless
acquisition, but also by public admiration. If you’re wealthy, people assume
you must be doing something right. And god’s obviously not punishing you, so
what is anyone else to say?
WHY HAVEN’T I HEARD ABOUT LESBIAN GREED BEFORE?
Many lesbians foolishly eschew greed, instead finding themselves sponsoring
gay male friends in AIDS rides and buying expensive vegetables at the co-op.
But for every bookstore struggling with consensus and every jeweler who tithes
an enormous percentage of her time and profit to “the community,” there is a
woman quietly paying her employees low wages and inspiring knee-jerk loyalty
because of her sexual identity.
In a way, lesbian greed is comparable to a promising startup. Get in on the
ground floor.
ISN’T GREED ANTI-LESBIAN?
Women traditionally have bad boundaries and difficulty saying no. In truth,
generosity and selflessness are pathology. When a man pursues a goal with the
ruthlessness of a jackal, he is focused and aggressive. When a woman does so,
she is considered desperate and unfeminine. Therefore, greed is not just a defiant
show of feminist power, it’s also a bit mannish, which is nice for the butches.
And no one says you can’t use your money to hoard first editions of Sarah Schulman
and Audre Lorde. Those will go for some nice money someday.
WHAT IF THAT SEEMS TOO EXTREME?
Of course, some women will never have the stomach for broad-based exploitation
and self-satisfaction. They do have a lighter option: Lesbiana Greed. This encompasses
greed for lesbian artifacts (including tiles and T-shirts with women painted
on them), greed for lesbian experiences (i.e., a completist approach to attending
music festivals and Suzanne Westenhoefer shows), and in the best and most rewarding
case, greed for lesbians themselves. There is little to no benefit of increased
prestige in society at large, but within the women’s community her perceived
worth will blow them out of the water.
COULDN’T I JUST BE RICH?
No. Mere access to resources is not enough to really hammer home your super-equality.
Unfortunately, many wealthy lesbians are unable to commit to the self-focused
lifestyle that greed requires. The bright side, however, is that greed is a
behavior system that can be adopted by anyone who wants it. Granted, nothing
else has quite the cache of cash. But drinking the last microbrew at the potluck
without asking definitely says, “I’m in charge.” Even just picking out all the
flavored condoms from the free bowl at the bar can pack quite a whammy.
WON’T A LACK OF TIME OR MONEY HINDER ME FROM ACHIEVING LESBIAN GREED?
Some women think that a lack of business acumen or success dooms them to failure
in their quest for a life fueled by raw greed: This is not so. Often the mere
illusion of success carries the same social weight as actual accomplishment–and
at a fraction of the investment of time or effort.
One of the best things about being a greedy lesbian is that you’re already
surrounded by the things you need to reach your goal: other lesbians. Here’s
a population riddled with martyrs, people with bad boundaries, and the naively,
blithely altruistic. Stealing outright isn’t technically recommended, but you’d
be surprised at what you can extract from a young, enthusiastic woman who “just
wants a job where she can be herself.” And remember, these folks are a nickel
for five. Paying a low wage is just good business.
WHAT ARE SOME OTHER CURRENT OBSTACLES TO LESBIAN GREED?
In the beginning, people will be afraid to come out. “I’m not a greedy lesbian,
I’m a greedy woman.” And there will be sociolinguistic issues. “I’m not a greedy
lesbian, I’m a greedy queer.” Of course, the ultimate goal is a melting pot
of avarice, in which we will all just be greedy people.
LESBIAN GREED DO’S AND DON’TS:
DO be non-monogamous. (Remember, greed isn’t just about cash.) Snap up all
the good ones. Have more than one sane girlfriend.
DON’T buy up all the rainbow car stickers and try to scalp them at Pride. You don’t have enough windows if they don’t sell.
DON’T restrict your voraciousness to the lesbian community. Remember to tap
the population at large. Why? This population includes men who (a) make significantly
more money than the average lesbian, and (b) can frequently be encouraged into
substantial investments for the mere possibility of some lesbian “contact.”
WHAT, IF ANY, ARE THE POSSIBLE DOWN SIDES OF BEING REALLY, REALLY GREEDY?
Mantle sagging from weight of business awards.
Duplicate Jonatha Brooke CDs.
Friends who won’t pick up the check either.
Gout.
Can’t use basement–it’s crammed with bottled water to sell in Y2K.
Hazardous level of wallet stress.
That discomfiting feeling of economic security.
Tooth decay.
The professional lesbian haircut.
I DON’T KNOW IF GREED IS RIGHT FOR ME. WHAT OTHER OPTIONS DO I HAVE?
I’ve left flyers by the door about my afternoon session, “Power-Hungry Lesbians.”
Please note the discount for filmmakers. I take all major credit cards. Oh,
and would you all be sweet and fold up your chairs and stack them against the
wall?
Thank you.
Mary Martone is the author of the advice column Big Tips, which appears in the Lesbian Resource Center News and other gay and lesbian papers.