The Shins vs. Their Future

After catching the world’s attention with three increasingly
popular, critically acclaimed records, the Shins find
themselves at a threshold. Scores of bands have proceeded past the
third-album mark with varying degrees of success. What’s next for the
Shins?

The R.E.M. Option

Make a fourth album called Portland’s Rich Pageant.

Plan of attack: Turn up the guitars, make the drummer hit
harder, write lyrics explicitly dealing with the state of the world,
and officially gun for the title of America’s greatest band.

Denouement: After a decade of success, the drummer leaves and
things get fuzzy, but the band’s eternal reputation is secured.

The Oasis Option

Keep releasing variations of the same record unto eternity, to no
discernible effect.

Join forces with Calvin Klein to launch the Shins scent, So Smells
I.

The Talking Heads Option

Make a fourth album called Remaining in Light Is Creepy.

Plan of attack: Hook up with Brian Eno (sorry, Phil Ek),
incorporate elements of world music, conquer the globe with
brilliance.

Denouement: After touring all over tarnation with the lead
singer in a giant suit, then ditching the world-music influence for a
faux-folk influence, the band are undone by their pretentious frontman
and slide into negligibility, although their early reputation
endures.

Play selves in Garden State 2: Bipolar Boogaloo.

The Def Leppard Option

Drummer loses arm.

The Pavement Option

Make a fourth album called Brighten the Night Away.

Plan of attack: And then another album, and another, each
less popular than the last, then disband, releasing singer/primary
songwriter to a less successful but still generally interesting solo
career.

Denouement: Band’s eternal reputation as “meaningful”
secured; solo lead singer’s, not so much.

Become a recurring Bumbershoot mainstage afternoon act.

The Guns N’ Roses Option

Power-mad control-freak lead singer hijacks band name, locks himself
in a studio for 10,000 years, and emerges periodically to horrify
humanity with his surgically enhanced head and nightmare dreadlocks.
Functional other members flee to new band that’s not anywhere near as
good as the original, but at least they’re doing something.

Lend songbook to choreographer Twyla Tharp for Broadway musical
revue Oh, Inverted Theater!

The Belle & Sebastian Option

Make a fourth album called Get on Your High Horse, Girl, You Walk Like a Pilgrim.

Plan of attack: Keep releasing variations of the same record
unto eternity, maintaining a core group of fans and steady level of
critical respect, along with a core group of detractors who simply
can’t be bothered.

Denouement: Pending.

Agree to perform Super Bowl halftime show with Paula
Abdul–-directed backup dancers.

The Lynyrd Skynyrd Option

Keep on rocking like total motherfuckers, then three days after the
release of a fifth album, board a plane bound for a show in Louisiana
and crash in a swampy Mississippi forest. Three members of the band die
on impact. Ten years later, the survivors revive the band, to limited
effect.