The Tits that Saved Christmas

Going home for the holidays is nerve-racking. The first
question, at any function, is always, “So, do you have a special
someone?” “Nope!” I answer. And the conversation ends in an awkward
brilliance. Last year, after dinner, my dad asked me, “Kelly, you still
don’t have a boyfriend? Are you one of those… LESBIANS?” “Yep!” I
said, lying. He smiled and looked confused.

Um, WTF? Can’t anyone wrap their brain around the concept of being
30 and single? Sometimes you just have a dry spell. And helping you
through those dry spells is what porn is for. If you, like me, are
single this holiday season, you might want to toss some triple-X-ers in
your bag before you head home. You know, just to keep you sane. Here
are four titles, all fairly easy to rent or download, and each one is
three times hotter if you watch it at Mom’s house, after everyone’s
gone to bed in their reindeer-covered jammies.

Hustler’s Barely Legal Christmas

(Hustler Video, 2007)

Normally I’m against any of the “Barely Legal” titles. What’s hot
about over-25-year-old, skinny-ass, no-hipped, no-titted women
pretending to be in high school? The only redeeming quality of this DVD
can be cummed up—er, summed up—in two words: SASHA GREY.
She’s in the first of six “holiday-themed” straight (anal, girl and
girl, and three-way) scenes. Sasha’s the hottest girl working in porn
right now. She’s a perfect anatomically correct porn-star Barbie
doll.

Playing with Mrs. Claus

(Anarchy Films, 2007)

Anarchy Films has a trademark on the “Playing with” virtual
interactive sex series (straight, solo). An actually pretty (!) and

voluptuous chica named Trina Michaels gyrates around in a Santa
outfit until you take the controls and tell her what to do. Your
choices range from tit fuck, toys, come, blowjob, anal, spoon,
foreplay, and reverse cowgirl.

Department Store Discipline

(Shadow Lane Productions, 2007)

Feeling guilty about the ridiculous amount of bullshit you’ve
charged on your Visa or
MasterCard? Maybe you need a spanking. The
setting: Gambol’s department store. Bonnie, a lingerie salesgirl, gets
caught shoplifting on Christmas. Rather than involve the police, her
supervisor, Ms. St. Clair, and the store manager, Mr. Bartlett, take
matters into their own hands. I guess this is considered “fetish” porn,
but Bonnie’s bright-red, perky-perfect round ass looks exceptionally
Christmasy when it’s hot-crimson red.

Big Titty Christmas

(Sin City, 2006)

Unlike the first three, this one is a full-on “costume
porn”—meaning the superendowed (holy moly, are those double-F?)
ladies wear Santa hats, red fishnets, and mistletoe crowns while they
play with various candy canes and Santa’s freakishly huge northern
pole. This one’s frickin’ LOUD. No matter how low you turn the sound
down, it still seems loud. Watch it on MUTE, and have a happy,
self-slappy holiday.