Acid Tongued

I’m a cis man in a monogamous relationship with a cis woman who is going through perimenopause. She was recently prescribed a boric acid suppository to help deal with some normal but persistent vaginal health issues. Her doctor and all the reliable online medical resources we’ve found said we should wait “24-48” hours after she uses a suppository before I give her oral sex, as the stuff can be toxic if ingested. That’s all well and good, but if she uses a suppository every time we have PIV — which is what her doctor recommended — that would leave very little opportunity for me to eat her out, which I love to do and she loves to receive. (We have PIV probably 3-4 times a week and I would go down on her all day every day if I could.) Her health and comfort obviously come first, and we enjoy lots of other ways of having sex, so this isn’t the end of the world. But I do feel like we would need to mourn the (hopefully temporary) loss of something we really enjoy. So, my question for you is this: exactly how toxic is this stuff really? Are we talking drop-dead-on-the-spot toxic or more like risking-a-bad-tummy-ache toxic? And to my mind there’s a big difference between 24 and 48 hours in this regard, but that is as specific as the information we’ve been able to find. I don’t want to put my health at risk, of course, but I would like a better sense of just how careful we should be with this.

I’m Not Gobbling Extremely Serious Toxins

“The National Association of Boards of Pharmacy (NABP) published a safety brief last year due to reports of multiple people unintentionally orally ingesting boric acid vaginal suppositories,” said Dr. Stacy De-Lin, Associate Medical Director for Planned Parenthood Hudson Peconic, New York. “But the National Capitol Poison Center, aka Poison Control, found that the small amount of boric acid in a single capsule would not be expected to cause harm — a person would likely have to ingest large amounts of boric acid to result in issues like vomiting, abdominal pain, and diarrhea. And severe potential issues — things like kidney problems or death — have never been known to occur, according to Poison Control.”

So, while Dr. De-Lin and I believe you should follow the recommendations of your wife’s doctor, INGEST, the risks are low — and we’re talking tummy aches here and not an early death — and we would both understand why you might, after doing your own risk/benefit analysis, conclude the risks are worth the rewards.

“INGEST could try it out” — you could try going down on your wife 24 hours after she’s used the suppository — “and see if any mild adverse effects occur,” said Dr. De-Lin. “Avoiding swallowing while performing oral sex may also help mitigate any potential GI issues.”

Dr. De-Lin had one other recommendation that she wanted you to pass along to the wife.

“If INGEST’s partner is taking boric acid suppositories to help with vaginal health issues due to perimenopause,” said Dr. De-Lin, “it’s worth speaking to her gynecologist about hormone replacement therapy (HRT). When hormone levels change around menopause, vaginal atrophy is common, and this thinning of the vaginal lining can lead to discomfort and infections. Multiple studies have shown that HRT, both when applied topically to the vagina or when used systemically, can improve vaginal tissue elasticity, moisturize the vagina, and can have a substantial impact on improving vaginal microflora to decrease infections.”

Follow Dr. Stacy De-Lin on Instagram and Threads @stacydelin_md.

I’m in a poly partnership in which outside play was until recently confined to foursomes with other trusted couples. My partner recently broke a few rules with a couple of guys — via text — which would have been fine if I’d known they were happening. I was going through some work stress at the time, and I was much less open to communication than I should have been, so she didn’t talk to me about this. So, I share some small part of the blame. One of these sexting relationships, to my mind, is fine to continue because it was respectful, polite, and didn’t go too far emotionally. The other relationship, however, veered quickly into “I love you” territory, and included a whole bunch of short videos, some of which I think were risky and outside our normal rules — panty stuffing, for example — and I asked for that one to be terminated, and it has been. I have two questions:

1. I’ve been under the impression that panty stuffing is a risky behavior, with a possibility of toxic shock, so I’ve absolutely never asked a partner to do it. Am I correct in thinking this? Is this a myth?

2. The respectful guy, with whom we’ve both exchanged pics now, requested a playdate with my partner. I was open to a threesome or a playdate at our place where they could have time alone together while I was nearby, but that’s evolved into the idea of a solo playdate at his place. I think I’m fine to drive her over to his place for a few hours — not an overnight, protected sex only, no restraints used — but there’s an obvious fracture in our trust right now and that’s a problem. So, I’ve ordered a new day collar for my partner and said they can set a date when the collar arrives. Have I fucked this up?

Seeking To Understand Fraught Feelings

1. Toxic shock syndrome isn’t a myth — it is very real — but I don’t think briefly stuffing someone’s panties in her vagina (or asking someone to stuff her own panties in her own vagina) presents a serious risk of illness or death. But I ran that part of your question past Dr. De-Lin while I had her on the line, STUFF, just to be sure.

“Any foreign body left in the vagina for a long period of time could potentially lead to toxic shock syndrome,” said Dr. De-Lin. “The introduction of any foreign material into the vagina can lead to risks, primarily infection and irritation, risks which are dependent on factors like the material being absorbent or synthetic, which underwear is. But toxic shock syndrome is very rare and usually only develops due to extended insertion.”

So, if your partner isn’t leaving her panties in her vagina for hours or days at a time — which I can’t imagine she’s doing — panty stuffing isn’t going to kill her.

“When it comes to putting foreign material into the vagina, in order to reduce the risk of infection, it is generally recommended that the item is non-porous and able to be well-sanitized, like silicone or stainless steel,” said Dr. De-Lin. “An alternate recommended approach would be using fabrics externally, on the vulva, while using safer materials for insertion.”

In other words: wear panties, insert insertables — doctor’s orders.

2. You’re asking me for a guarantee, STUFF, which I can’t offer you. If nothing goes wrong — if your partner and this other guy honor the boundaries you’ve set and include you in some small way (collar stays on, pics get sent) and you don’t wind up having a meltdown — then you won’t feel like you fucked this up. But if something goes wrong — if they do something wrong and you wind up having a meltdown or they do everything right and you still wind up having a meltdown (it happens) — then you’re going to feel like you fucked this up. You’re taking a risk, STUFF, and there’s no guarantee things will go perfectly and/or you won’t feel some big feelings, up to and including feelings of regret.

It’s not uncommon for someone in an open relationship — which is what yours is — to have a bit of a meltdown and/or experience intense or overwhelming feelings. Sometimes an after-the-fact meltdown is a sign that it was a mistake, STUFF, and if you’re anticipating a meltdown, that might be a sign that it would be a mistake to take this step now. But sometimes a meltdown is a bid for attention — negative attention seeking — and if your partner knows she needs to lavish you with attention, affection, and gratitude after this meeting, you’re less likely to have the kind of meltdown you can’t come back from.

I am poly and have been in ENM relationships for the past decade. I recently visited a friend in another state and had a lovely, intimate weekend with them. During our weekend together they told me they have a girlfriend who doesn’t know they’re cheating — and not only with me. My friend is a professional athlete, semi-famous, and they don’t have other friends or examples of ethical non-monogamy in their life. For the nearly ten years that I’ve known them, it’s been clear to me that they’re more suited for ENM. I would say they’re MUD: monogamous under duress. Knowing what I know now, how do I ethically engage with this person? I don’t see them frequently — it’s been more than a year since we last saw each other — but when we do hangout, I am glad to be their friend who can help them explore ENM, ask questions, and encourage them to move in a more ethical manner. I feel awful that their partner doesn’t know about the cheating, and I hate contributing to it. I also feel for my friend as I know this loverboy is not meant for monogamy.

Side Piece Under Duress

You left something off that list of things you’re “glad to be” when you hang out with your old friend: in addition to being glad to be his friend, his sounding board, and his ethically non-monogamous role model, SPUD, you’re also glad to be his fuck toy, right? Professional athletes have great bodies (curlers and dart players excluded), they have tons of stamina, and they stay in nice hotels. So, as you reason your way through this moral conundrum, SPUD, you need to be on your guard against the kind of self-serving rationalizations — or the kind of clitful/dickful thinking — that can lead a person to do something (or keep doing something) that doesn’t align with their stated values. In your case, SPUD, you’ve very nearly convinced yourself that cheating with someone who’s “doing it right,” i.e. someone practicing ethical non-monogamy and therefore isn’t cheating on their partner, might inspire your hot, semi-famous friend to stop “doing it wrong,” i.e. stop practicing unethical non-monogamy.

Now, it’s entirely possible your example will inspire this pro athlete to straighten up and cheat right; there are definitely people out there who’ve had the sense fucked into them. But let’s not kid ourselves: people who’ve cheated on their partners with people who weren’t cheating on their own — cheaters who were inspired to ask their partners for forgiveness (for fucking around) and permission (to keep fucking around) — are few and far between. And while I don’t doubt your pussy is magic (all pussies are), your pussy ain’t chemo and it’s not going to cure him.

All that said, SPUD, it’s not your job to police this man’s behavior; both his relationship with his girlfriend and the salvation of his immortal soul are his business. But if you don’t wanna contribute to cheating, you have no choice but to stop fucking this guy. If you keep fucking this guy, SPUD, you shouldn’t pretend you’re doing it for him. You’re doing it for you.

P.S. I would do and have done the same thing you’re doing, SPUD: fucked someone I was free to fuck who wasn’t free to fuck me. I also assuaged my own guilt by urging the person to make things right with their partner. So, I’m not judging you.

Short question. I gained thirty pounds during my three-year relationship with my ex. He ate a lot of shitty food — fried foods, fast foods — and would get angry and accuse me of food-shaming him if I didn’t eat what he did.

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