My wife and I are a lesbian married couple in Chicago. We are also proud moms to our wonderful, dynamic 17-year-old trans son. “Michael” is a great kid, and we have always enjoyed a close relationship. It has recently come to light that he is engaging in penetrative sex with men he meets on a gay hookup app. We discovered this because of bloody laundry which we thought was breakthrough bleeding, a trip to his gender doc and a subsequent chlamydia diagnosis brought this all out. Since this revelation — and after a lecture about safe-sex practices — I am now living in a state of terror. I’m terrified our son will be a victim of sexual violence. I am terrified that he will be emotionally scarred by some fetishist. I am terrified he will get a life-threatening STI. My instincts are telling me to take a leave from work, and whisk him away from the city and talk and talk until he sees the danger of this behavior. Is that an over-reaction? Are there therapists who specialize in this? Is there any way this will work out well for him? I desperately want to do right by my son, and he is acting like this is “no big deal,” but my mama instincts are screaming shut this down!
Manic Over My Son
The stage of life your child is going through — the transition to adulthood autonomy (which kids do without a fully functioning pre-frontal cortex) — is filled with risk, and you can’t protect your child from all of it.
Zooming out for a second: The age of consent in Illinois is seventeen. I don’t wanna get derailed by a debate about whether that number is too low, but that’s the number. So, no laws were broken. But polices were violated: your son is too young to be on Grindr or Scruff or Sniffies; you have to be eighteen to get on those apps, and it’s inarguably far too easy for minors to get on them. And while meeting strangers is always risky, the apps are a normal part of gay life and most queer people find their partners, life and otherwise, on the apps. And most gay and bi men I know under 35, both cis and trans, got on the apps the moment they turned 18; they had good and bad experiences — and sometimes their moms had to get involved — but most survived and learned from their mistakes.
Moving on…
Your instinct to “shut this down” is understandable — you love your son and you wanna protect him from the predators — but your plan won’t work. Even if you were to whisk your son off to Peoria, he can download hookup apps just as easily downstate. And he’s seventeen, MOMS, not fourteen… which means he’s almost an adult. So, instead of locking your son in the basement for the next year (or ten), get him on PrEP, keep communicating (talk and talk and talk at home), and let him know his moms are ready, willing, and able to swoop in when he needs help. Lecture him about regular STI testing, ask him where he’s going and who’s he’s doing, and tell him — from me — that adult men who fuck teenagers can’t be trusted. And find him a therapist, if you haven’t already, who specializes in working with trans teens, and identify one or two adults in his life — people you know and trust — that your son can turn to for confidential advice.
As for being emotionally scarred by some fetishist…
Your fears are understandable. Unfortunately for you and your son, it’s hard to draw a clean line between cis men who are attracted to trans men for the right reasons and cis men who fetishize trans men. (Your son has probably encountered both types already.) But not every man who is drawn to trans men is a fetishist. So, he’s going to meet some men who are attracted to everything about him — including the fact that he’s trans — and fetishists who are only interested in him for one reason. The sooner he learns to tell these guys apart, the better. And like all gay and bi men — like everyone — your son is going to walk away from some sexual encounters feeling used in ways that leave him feeling demeaned and dehumanized and from others feeling used in ways that make him feel powerful and desirable. (And if he’s on PrEP before he walks in, you don’t have to worry about him walking out with a life-threatening STI.)
In addition to getting your son on PrEP right now and off the apps until he turns 18 (he agrees to phone spot checks or he loses his phone), you should encourage your son to recognize his own sexual worth. Some trans people are convinced no one will want them, MOMS, so they jump at — or jump on — anyone who shows interest. One of the lessons your son should take from his experiences thus far is this: there are men out there who are interested in him. Which means he can hold out for guys who aren’t just interested in him as a trans man, but as a person; he can hold out for guys who will have a conversation with him about safety, not just guys who wanna know how soon he can come over; he can hold out for guys who might be interested in dating him, not just hooking up with him. I’ve personally watched trans friends go from a scarcity mindset (“No will want me, I have to take what I can get”) to an abundance mindset (“Lots of people want me, I can afford to be choosey”) and it transformed their lives.
It’s going to be a rocky few years, MOMS, but with his moms on his side, I’m confident your son will make it one piece. Good luck.
My partner and I have been together for nearly twenty years. While our love for each other is as strong as ever, our sex life has hit some bumps. We’ve talked about it a lot, and while we’re both feeling the disconnect, it’s been particularly frustrating for them. One thing that has always sparked our imagination is the idea of them being with someone else. Over the years, we’ve explored this in playful ways: checking out profiles on apps, sharing photos, and even roleplaying scenarios about them having an adventure with someone else. It’s thrilling in the moment, but eventually, we fall back into old routines. Recently, though, something shifted. A colleague has caught their eye. They’ve mentioned being attracted to this person, and the interest seems mutual. This colleague, while shy, has been flirting back — buying thoughtful little gifts and inviting them out for drinks. Because of our shared fantasy and my deep desire to make them happy, I’ve been letting this play out. But here’s the thing: I’m feeling increasingly jealous and worried. What if this becomes something bigger? What if I end up pushed aside? Even though my partner reassures me that I’m the only one they want to come home to, those fears keep creeping in. How can I navigate these feelings without losing the connection we’ve worked so hard to build?
Apprehensive Now Getting Super Tense
Just wanna make sure I’m following you: You and your long-term partner are still in love but you don’t fuck much anymore and that’s a bigger problem for your partner than it is for you. But the one thing that reliably inspires you to fuck your partner are shared fantasies about them getting with someone else. Not you getting with someone else, ANGST, just them getting with someone else.
Enter someone else.
Zooming out for a second: I don’t know if you’re a cuckold (a man who gets off on being cheated on) or a cuckquean (a woman who gets off on being cheated on) or a cuck (a non-gendered term for someone who gets off on their partner cheating on them) because there’s no data in your letter about who was assigned exactly what at birth. While I respect nonbinary identities and they/them pronouns —because I’m not Mark Fucking Zuckerberg — it can be hard to craft practical sex advice when you don’t know the sexes (assigned or otherwise) of the parties involved. For instance, ANGST, male socialization might impact your reaction to your partner getting with their colleague (if you’re male); conversely, if your partner is a woman or they was (they were?) assigned female at birth and was socialized as a woman, having a sexual adventure might expose them to more risk of violence, pregnancy, sexually-transmitted infections, etc.
Anyway…
I’m going to assume you’re a cuck or cuck-adjacent, ANGST, because there’s something about your partner fucking around — but not you fucking around — that turns you on. Venus, the host of the Venus Cuckoldress Podcast and perhaps the smartest person on the planet about cuckold relationships, describes cuckolding as a “one-sided open relationship,” and that’s essentially what you’re talking about here. Venus also talks a lot on her show about something she describes as “cuck angst,” ANGST, which seems to describe you perfectly.
“One of the things that attracted me to cuckolds was their ability to turn something potentially painful and uncomfortable — their partner having a sexual experience with someone else — into something pleasurable and fun,” said Venus. “And while cucks can experience intense feelings of jealousy, doubt, and anxiety, ‘cuck angst’ is a part of the thrill for the cuckold. But it can be very scary and uncomfortable, particularly before that first experience.”
How do you get over the angst and learn to enjoy your partner fucking around on you in actual-fucking-around-on-you practice and not just fantasizing-about-them-fucking-around-on-you theory?
“The only way to get the post-cuck glow on the other side is to lean into it,” said Venus. “That’s not to say that you have to navigate these powerful emotions all on your own! Your partner has a role to play in helping you through it. They can write a little lovely reassurance letter for you to open when you absolutely need it, or make a point to set aside time each week to have a check-in conversation, and spend some extra quality time with you.”
I would also recommend your partner fuck the shit out of you immediately after they get with this colleague — setting aside whether getting with a colleague is advisable — because reclamation sex, according to cucks, is the best part.
“I’ve also found that cucks supporting other cucks during those anxious times has been really helpful,” said Venus, “so, consider reaching out to other couples with similar dynamics who may be open to friendships. Lastly, I would suggest a somatic sex coach who can give you some exercises you can do at home to help you relax your body and your mind when the angst gets difficult. Ultimately the whole dance of emotions and feelings involved with being a cuck gets easier over time and you can both enjoy the next-level love, trust, and connection that this kind of relationship is known for.”
Follow Venus on BlueSky @CuckoldressV and check out her podcast at www.venuscuckoldress.com.
I’m a 37-year-old man with a 35-year-old partner. We are both cisgender gay men, and he has recently been working from more of an asexual profile. Whatever physical/sexual intimacy we shared in the beginning of our nearly three-year relationship is long gone. He now tells me that he was “never really into” sex with a partner, but he felt compelled “to do it” because gay men are supposed to be sexual. He enjoys self-pleasure during “alone time,” but he isn’t interested in sharing any of that time or energy with me. As a Scorpio, the idea of my partner not wanting sex with me makes me feel like, “If you can’t fuck me, then you don’t love me,” and that’s a whole spiral. We’ve discussed the non-sex in our lives before, and nothing ever really changes because he doesn’t initiate, and these discussions end with him reiterating that sex is not important to him. I never really thought of myself as a “sexual person” but this absence of it is so deeply felt that it feels like a major thing is missing. Can you help?
Sexual Needs Aren’t Getting Satisfied
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