I was reading a BDSM message board lately when a woman asked a question about how to find partners. She didnât need a serious kinkster, she said, because she had what she called âa vanilla fetish.â Want to hazard a guess what her kink was? Erotic breath-control play. She liked being strangled during sex.
Oh, thatâs scary. She thinks because it doesnât require whips or black leather that what gets her off is entry-level. She couldnât be more wrong, and itâs a mistake that may wind up costing her dearly.
Most types of BDSM arenât life threatening. However, a few practices that come under the âfetishâ umbrella can, if they go badly, result in serious injury or death. Electrical play, for example, can interfere with the action of the heart if not done properly. A botched rope-bondage suspension can lead to a nasty fall. However, with most types of what BDSM people call âedge play,â following strict rules of technique will greatly ameliorate the risk. So I follow those rules, and I do those kinds of play.
But breath playâlimiting or denying someone the ability to breathe, either by suffocation or strangulationâis unquestionably the type of edge play with the highest potential for harm and the lowest controllable margin of safety. SM 101 author Jay Wiseman has done a great deal of research on breath play, and he states: âI know of no way whatsoever that either suffocation or strangulation can be done in a way that does not intrinsically put the recipient at risk of cardiac arrest⌠I know of no reliable way to determine when such a cardiac arrest has become imminent.â Read that again: Cutting off someoneâs breathing can make them have a heart attack, and there is no way to really know if thatâs just about to happen. Watching your partner closely, or telling them to signal you if theyâre about to pass out, will not prevent a disaster.
Jay also notes, âIf the recipient does arrest, the probability of resuscitating them, even with optimal CPR, is distinctly small.â In the U.S., there are at least 250 reported deaths each year from breath play gone wrong (according to The Medical Realities of Breath Control Play by Jay Wiseman), and I can find no statistic on any other type of kink-related fatalities that even approaches that figure. Even if you donât have a heart attack, there are a lot of other ways to go wrong, ranging from rupturing blood vessels in someoneâs eyes to cumulative brain damage.
Why would someone find it sexy to be unable to breathe? It varies. Some people acknowledge that the risk is part of the thrill. Others say that putting their lives into a partnerâs hands is a sign of trust, and some feel that itâs the ultimate loss of control.
But pretty much everyone who does breath control mentions that it increases the intensity of their orgasm. Thatâs why some of those breath control deaths happen when guys (and a few women) strangle themselves while masturbating. They think theyâll be able to stop in time. But you canât reliably know if youâre about to get into trouble, any more than a partner would. And passing out alone, with a noose around your neck? Well, I hope you checked the âorgan donorâ box on your driverâs license.
Given all these facts, I absolutely will not do breath play. I hear a certain amount of whining about that from the âBut I really, really want you too, Mistress!â demographic. The Mistress says: Too bad. Dominants have limits, too, and thatâs one of mine. For one thing, I donât fancy being arrested for murder if the worst happens. I doubt Iâd get much sympathy from a jury even if I convinced them it had been consensual. And I donât want to have to live with the knowledge that Iâve killed someone, even accidentally.
I also think that Iâve got the talent and the skills to create intense experiences for people without putting them in such real and imminent danger of death. Yes, life is full of risks, and accidents can happen in other types of kinky scenes, too. But with some creativity and some experimentation, one can devise hot and satisfying ways of getting off without relying on oxygen deprivation. Iâm much happier engaging in other, safer ways of taking someoneâs breath away.
matisse@thestranger.com
THURSDAY 8/25
EXPLORING POLYAMORY
A workshop exploring communication, boundaries, language, proofs of love, and sexuality. Register at www.sanctuaryintime.net, 7â9:30 pm, $25.
FRIDAY 8/26
TRIBAL INSTINCTS: PLAY PARTY FOR MEN
Gear up before the LeatherSir/LeatherBoy contest. Wet Spot, men-only@wetspot.org or 270-9746 for more info, 10 pm-3 am, $15, male ID required.
SATURDAY 8/27
LITTLE RED STUDIO: A SENSUAL REPAST
Dinner and erotic entertainment. Some audience-participation. Little Red Studio, 328-4758, www.littleredstudioseattle.com, 6:30 pm, ticket prices vary, RSVP required.
LEATHERSIR/LEATHERBOY CONTEST
Kinda like a Miss America contestâonly with sexy leathermen. Timberline Spirits,1832 Yale Ave, door at 7 pm, contest at 8 pm, $10, www.northwestleathersir.com.
NEW HORIZONS GUEST NIGHT
The New Horizons swing club welcomes new couples for Guest Night, where member couples can bring guests for only $80 per couple. Orientation required for all guests and new members, www.horizonsclub.com or newhorizon@seanet.com for info and reservations.
SUNDAY 8/28
CUDDLE PARTY
Explore cuddling, snuggling, and just plain touching in a clothes-on workshop. Wet Spot, cuddleparty.com or 679-1610, membership not required, 3:30â6:30 pm, $10.
MONDAY 8/29
SEATTLE GIFT SHOW
Indulge in the distinctly American kink of paying to shop at the Seattle Gift Show. One-of-a-kind gift sensations available for your perusal for a mere $30 entrance fee. Don't forget your safeword. Washington State Convention & Trade Center, 9 amâ6 pm, $30.
