The National Enquirer—which broke the John Edwards sex scandal—has a report out in their new issue that's equal parts scandal rag and appetite suppressant:
Presidential candidate Ted Cruz is trying to survive an explosive “dirt file” on the finger-wagging conservative senator! And the new issue of The National ENQUIRER — on newsstands now — reveals how the reports say the staunch Republican is hiding FIVE different mistresses! “Private detectives are digging into at least five affairs Ted Cruz supposedly had,” claimed a Washington insider. “The leaked details are an attempt to destroy what’s left of his White House campaign!” The ENQUIRER reports that Cruz’s claimed mistresses include a foxy political consultant and a high-placed D.C. attorney!
As lots of people have already said all over the Interwebs: Hard to imagine that there are at least six women on this planet who would sleep with Ted Cruz of their own free will. But here we are, ladies and gentleman, having to imagine just that. And lots of people on the Interwebs refuse to believe there's anything to this story because of the source—National Enquirer—but, again, the NE was broke the story of the affair John Edwards was having while he ran for president in 2008. And then there's this...
Attorney Montgomery Blair Sibley has sued senators and Supreme Court justices. He’s been a write-in presidential candidate. He represented the “D.C. Madam,” whose black book included a sitting senator. Now Sibley claims that some never-before-aired information found in the records of said madam “could be relevant” to the upcoming presidential election. How so? Well, he can’t say. Sibley is bound by restraining orders imposed by the court in the case of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, who committed suicide in 2008 soon after she was found guilty of racketeering and money laundering. But her colorful former attorney is now seeking permission to release 815 names of Palfrey’s clients and the records of 40 other escort services operating in Washington, a pool that he’s hinting includes someone with bearing on the current political campaign.
#CruzSexScandal is now trending on Twitter—so if you were looking for an excuse to take a break from Twitter, here it is.
"Ted Cruz sex scandal."
Welp, off to scream myself to death. Bye, everyone!
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 25, 2016