Having trouble finding gay relationship advice through Google.
Me: 35.
Him: 24.We met when I was 29 and he was 18. He has always been a top, and I’ve always been a bottom. We both very rarely wanted to swap those roles. I’m the older one, but I have a twink body, I’m short and slim, and although I have lost a lot of my hair, I still look like I’m 26. He has more of “jock” body. He is definitely more handsome than me. No doubt. I knew going in that he was young, and would want to explore and have different sexual experiences—so I have always been ok with us having an open relationship after he first cheated. We have had some amazing three ways, sex on our own, and sex together. But after six years, we probably had sex three times last year.
We moved to a new city, where he met someone else recently. He’s been spending a lot of time with this guy. He’s handsome and pretty much the opposite of me — 31 years old, tall, muscular, big cock, and a Dom top. Our openness rules dictated that while we are sexually open, we are not emotionally open. But they have been hanging out, sending each other pics of their days, and meeting up for sex and not telling me —basically they’re “seeing” each other. I got mad and we had a big chat about everything. We have in a lot of ways become roommates. I think our problems are solvable, and I am willing to work on them, but he is less willing. I almost feel as if he is coming to counseling sessions with me out of obligation rather than desire. Yesterday he confessed the sex he had with this guy was electric, and he thinks now he has evolved to become a bottom and would prefer a musclebound Dom top partner. I will never be that.
I know relationships have ebbs and flows, and highs and lows, but is this something that is workable? Can we ever get through this? I’ve always been happy with my 98% bottom stance. I love him and I don’t want to leave anything in the gas tank.
Can’t Help A Nearby Gay Evolve
Many-to-most of us have been where you are right now, CHANGE. I certainly have been — I was really into this guy and all of my friends could see what I couldn’t — and it fuckin’ sucks.
Also fuckin’ sucky: I can’t be straight with you without appearing to be (or actually being) cruel. You’re obviously already in pain and what I’m about to say type is only going to make it worse. But not saying what I need to say and/or putting a hopeful spin on this could lead you to keep investing in this relationship. And that would be crueler in the long run. So…
It’s over.
Your boyfriend hasn’t just met someone else, CHANGE, you aren’t the person he wants to be with in the future and he isn’t willing to “work” on your relationship. Right now you’re his non-consensual, non-kink cuckold, CHANGE, and unless you think that’s a sexy role — and unless your boyfriend and his new boyfriend are interested in keeping you around as their service sub and a junior partner in their relationship — you need to break up with your boyfriend. Now recent and scientifically rigorous and totally non-controversial studies have shown — cough, cough — that gay cuckold relationships can be great relationships. But if the idea of being a cuckold doesn’t turn you and/or them on, CHANGE, there’s probably no way to make the three of you work.
Five years is a good run, CHANGE, and you don’t have to hate your boyfriend just because it’s ending. You can salvage a friendship — maybe with the help of that counselor — and stay in touch. I was with a guy for five years before I met Terry, and while the breakup was painful, we’re friends to this day and still a part of each other’s lives.
TL;DR: It’s over and the money you’re currently spending on counseling sessions would be better spent on security deposits for the new apartments you’ll both be moving into soon.
Another quick one for today:
I’m a long-time reader of your column, and I’d love some help with a long-term problem in my relationship. First things first: I’m a 44-year-old gay man in a monogamous relationship for more than twelve years. I love my husband very much, and we’re compatible sexually in almost every way. The one big problem is that he gives incredibly dry blow jobs. So dry that when he takes his mouth off my dick, there’s not enough spit left on it to give it one or two lubricated strokes. Like: DRY. We’ve talked about this problem multiple times, which usually doesn’t go well because he gets defensive or hurt. He says 1. he just doesn’t produce much saliva and 2. he’s never had any complaints before me. I can’t do anything about the second point, but I was wondering if there’s anything he can do about the first. Are there techniques he could use to make more saliva? Supplements he could take? Just drink incredible amounts of water?
What makes the whole thing worse is that he really likes giving me blow jobs. So he’s always trying to go down on me, and I’m always trying to avoid him going down on me. Don’t get me wrong — I love a good blow job, but his aren’t good. And it doesn’t seem like he’s interested in making them better. Is there a way out of this problem? What are my options here?
Blowjobs Lack Ordinary Wetness
Your partner shouldn’t feel ashamed about a simple physiological fact (he doesn’t produce much saliva), BLOW, and reacting defensively isn’t going to fix the problem — it’s only going to get you where you are now, e.g. him trying to initiate blowjobs, you trying to avoid them. There is a fix: decent-tasting, non-oily lube like this and this and this. Don’t try to “fix” him; he’s not broken, and convos about fixing someone almost always elicit defensiveness. Buy some nice, flavored lubes instead and put them on the nightstand.
Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!
Tickets to HUMP 2018 are on sale now! Get them here!