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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: My Great Aunt the nun was reincarnated as a celibate and he sent me an email, a sex worker ghosts a client and the client wonders if he should contact her, a woman just wants her husband to swing without her, and a letter writer's lovely mother is cheating on their dad—gasp! And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First, a response from BLOW, the "lopsided" bisexual in this week's Savage Love:

Thank you for your thoughtful and thorough response to my letter! This truly made my day/summer/year. And not only that, it convinced me to own my sexuality publicly. I think I’ll take heed of your good advice and come out of the bi closet at a suitable time.

I hope you’ll have a great summer!

Another dude comes out as bisexual—not bad work for a notorious biphobe, huh?

On HUBBY:

I have to say, I found your response to HUBBY today to be a bit extreme—disinviting someone from your entire life because they asked you a risque question (once) at a party is a bit innocuous to define as 'sexual harassment'. I'm not saying it's the polite thing to do (the actions of HUBBY'S wife's friend were awkward, flippant, and a bit rude), but isn't that what parties are for?

I was surprised by your answer because I generally know you to be fairly mellow in your advice... you've never sided with those who want to make sex taboo, something we can't discuss and even joke about honestly.

I would tell HUBBY—yeah man, she was drunk and she made a single rude comment in jest—your wife has a longstanding relationship with this friend that is based on vastly more incidents than your single moment of offense. If the friend keeps doing it, and you find her obnoxious in the long term, let's revisit this, but for now, can you see it in your heart to get the fuck over it without us sending dramatic emails formally severing ties with people?

It didn't happen once, it happened three times. From HUBBY's letter:

I came out to our tight circle of friends. Everyone has been supportive, and I'm glad I took this step. But on three different occasions, my wife's best friend has loudly asked me whose cock I would most like to suck out of all the other guys at the party.

If this friend keeps doing it? Dude. She keeps doing it. Kick her ass to the curb.

For NCAS, the married woman who isn't into swinging but her bi husband is:

There’s plenty of gay dudes who want to play with straight married guys because it’s a fetish and it means no commitment. Go find them. And don’t forget to wrap it up.

And:

You dropping out of swinging doesn't mean you're effectively pulling him out of swinging too, it means your husband will have to make more of an effort to find partners. Organized swinging clubs typically allow single women in, and a roughly equivalent number of single men. If your husband is willing to do the work necessary to ensure he is consistently one of the single men allowed he should be able to fulfill his desire to swing.

And:

We have a situation like this. And like most open relationships we have a rule: "Don't ask, DO tell." He doesn't have to ask for permission to do anything, even to not use protection. But he must tell me what he's done so that I can make an informed choice about what I will do. When I was playing I followed the same rule. It works for us. Personal responsibility is the key to power.

For the person wondering if they should contact their sex worker who ghosted them:

What's interesting about the professional opinions is the juxtaposition of the idea that sex work is a transactional arrangement and that ending, without notice, a long-standing business arrangement with a good client is an acceptable business practice in all circumstances. As such it doesn't seem to be unreasonable to inquire of your service provider whether they are still in business, and if not, whether they have any recommendations for other service providers in the area. I would imagine that any new sex worker seen by letter writer would appreciate the reference from letter writer's former sex worker, not merely for the new business, but the knowing that the new client had been vetted.

And:

I have been seeing SWs for years and there is one golden rule: The Relationship is Always a Fantasy. Always. This is true even if you feel personally close to the SW and get to know their personal lives. Then, the fantasy is that this is a real relationship. It is not. It is still 100% transactional. It only stops being a fantasy when the SW stops charging you... Until then, no matter what else, it's still a fantasy that this desirable woman gets excited to have sex with you the minute you walk in the door. It's their job to get excited—don't take it personally.

She's not "ghosting" you. Her situation has changed and you no longer have her current contact info. If and when she wants to let you know she is available for sex work, she will reach out. For now, move on. Create a new fantasy with a new SW.

For MOM:

FFS. How many letters to Dan from folks who have found their parents' secret porno stash, photos of mom/dad/grandma/grandpa in flagrante delicto, or other things that can't be unseen will it take before people take a hint? Seriously, stay the fuck out of your parents' private business. More importantly, how did Dan not ream this guy a new one FOR TELLING HIS BROTHER about what he found? That is way more violating than talking to mom directly about what you saw. That said, shove it down the memory hole, move on, and try not being an asshole.

And...

Mom's an adult, right? She's in her right mind, right? Then everyone needs to butt out. She can make her own decisions about whether or not she stays with her husband. Maybe she still sees the young guy she fell in love with 30 years ago. Maybe she's one of those people who likes to care for someone and feel needed. Maybe she's just old-fashioned enough to believe that a vow is a vow and you keep your word no matter what. Whatever her reasons, she's entitled to them.

And finally... someone you should be following on Instagram:

The Christopher Street Reader.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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