I am pleased to announce my candidacy for Maine senator. While it's true that I've never actually been to Maine, I have been to both Vermont and New Hampshire, which is pretty much the same thing. In additon to these qualifications, I have never, unlike some people, promised to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court.

As a candidate for senator, I promise to run a clean and uplifting campaign based on truth, justice, and plenty of free lobster rolls for the voters. In addition to my love of the Portland Seadogs, which I'm pretty sure is a baseball and/or a hockey team, I have two pairs of rubber boots and love fishing. While my opponents will tell you I suffer from seasickness, what they won't tell you is that I always barf off the side of the boat. I also like snow and have a bumper sticker than says "Massachusetts sucks."

In terms of policy, I vow to do whatever the opposite of Donald Trump does. He's for lower taxes on the rich? I'm for way higher! He's for stealing your healthcare? I'm for giving it it back! He has blond hair? Mine is basically brown!

I also pledge to help the good citizens of Maine have better access to childcare, education, and well-paying jobs. I will protect your access to abortion, workers' rights, Social Security, good weed, and a clean and healthy environment. Plus, I don't care what god you worship (although I will say it's better if you worship none). As for guns, let me look at some polls and get back to you on that.

In the meantime, I am thrilled to accept the $2 million my supporters have already pledged to incumbent Senator Susan Collins's 2020 opponent. I haven't quite found a place in Maine yet, so you can send the check to me here in Seattle.

Let's do this folks! It's time to send Susan Collins—and me—back home.