Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Her boyfriend's browser history reveals perplexing (but irrelevant) sexual interests; her husband's "ultimate" fantasy is a big ask; a selfish adult baby risks losing the best thing he's ever had; and she used to enjoy pegging her hot husband—should she tell him what's wrong? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast (with Andrew Rannells!!!).

First up… um... not everyone liked what I had to say about Leaving Neverland...

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Leave The King alone white boy. Dont drag him into your white perversions you cocksucker. He was tried and found innocent by some white supremacist prosecutor and all white jury and by Grace of God was found innocent which is virtually impossible for a black man in Amerikkka. Now he is the grave you white fag perverts who used to walk to the slave market a few years ago and buy a little black boy child and take him and tape him is now lecturing people about sexual morality. You white fags are some of the biggest racist and sickos on Gods green earth. Go suck a big black cock if u got nothing better to do you fucking degenerate.

First... raping children is not my perversion, thanks. And I love people who open by calling me a degenerate and a cocksucker and then close with "go suck a big cock!" It's like... tell me something I don't already know/tell me to do something I don't already do.

On pegging husbands (or not):

And a little more for CITM:

Upon reading over the letter from CITM, I was just heartbroken. Sending love to her. I've felt forgotten or neglected before, but feeling like a prop inside the relationship. OMG. I'm also sending gratitude to you for being here and doing that you do. Being an outlet for people who cannot find answers in the day-to-day world. Thanks.

You're welcome!

It's always nice to hear from someone who wrote or called in, even if they wrote or called in years ago...

Hi, Dan! I talked to you on Savage Lovecast Episode 364. I was the average-looking woman hooking up with the scorchingly hot guy half my age who wouldn't go down on me. You gave me permission to enjoy him without feeling bad about letting hot people get away with things I wouldn't let regular people get away with. I didn't expect that we'd keep in touch (we live 4 hours apart on top of all the other reasons), but it's been an ongoing thing for six years and it's pretty awesome. We connect in an interesting quasi-friendship way and have gotten to explore our kinks together. I have a drawer of sex toys I've bought at his request to use over video chat and when we see each other in person a couple times a year. I'm now 47, he's 27 and the hottest man I've ever seen, he still has never gone down on me, but when he slaps my face and tells me, "You're lucky I fuck you," I can say, "Yes, I am," and love every minute of it.

I also want to thank you for your continuing conversation about monogamish relationships. A few times, I've heard you mention something as a best practice and was happy to say that my husband and I already do it. We're one of those rare couples who have been together since we were young (20) and for the past seven years we've been having a great time getting to sleep around a bit like we never did in our twenties. We've always had a strong relationship, good communication, and a satisfying sex life, and now we have the added bonus of getting to make fun of each other about who we're sleeping with. Everybody wins!

Letting hot people get away with shit—not something I always recommend (in fact, I urge the opposite in next week's Savage Love), but if you want what they want and don't miss what they aren't giving you (or can get it elsewhere), yeah, then you're not really letting that hot person get away with something, are you? You're into him, he's into you, you enjoy his hotness, he enjoys the power of his hotness but—and this is very important—he doesn't abuse it or you. He's not holding it over you head to get you to do and/or submit to things you don't wanna do and don't enjoy. Together you've eroticized this power imbalance while simultaneously forging both a (quasi-) friendship and sustaining a longterm sexual connection. It wouldn't be to everyone's tastes... but if it works for you (still!), it works for you (and that works for me).

Regarding OWED:

I had to write in after I saw your response to OWED. I was in the exact same situation and I was stunned by your response. OWED clearly stated that this is her husband’s fantasy, not hers, and that she isn’t interested in sleeping with other guys. Her husband is getting in her head and having her flirt with other guys when she’s clearly not comfortable doing so. The same thing happened to me—in fact, my ex often used your column to justify why he felt the way he did and why I should be “good, giving, and game” and do this for him.

Eventually, I gave in. I slept with another guy. It made me feel TERRIBLE about myself, but then I saw how happy I had made him. I allowed it to bring us closer together and did everything I could to push away all the empty and sad feelings I was experiencing. I thought I had finally satisfied his urge. I was very wrong.

Before too long he had me posting more ads online looking for someone who would do this. We’d interview them in our living room for all of ten minutes and he’d then tell us to go have sex. 100% of the time I did it to satisfy him, not myself. I got through it by pretending I wasn’t even present when it was happening. I did everything I could to turn off how I felt about it so that he would be satisfied. I told him all the time how I didn’t want to sleep with other men, but he still insisted.

After countless men, strangers really, he finally stopped sleeping with me altogether and said if I wanted sex I knew what I had to do. The spiral downward of the emotional abuse was so incredibly deep, and ended up moving into all areas of our relationship. This “cuckolding” thing was just the beast that let it all start.

After six and a half years, I was finally able to escape the relationship. It has taken intense counseling to recover, and I’m so thankful for the person I am now. My current boyfriend knows about all of this and doesn’t fully understand how I let this happen to myself. I always tell him that it’s hard to explain, but I felt that I owed him this because it was his fantasy and I wasn’t exactly a virgin. Turns out, it was the worst mistake of my life.

P.S. Even though your words were used against me for bad intentions in the past, that was on him, not you. I think you do great work, so thanks for that!

Ugh, I'm so sorry—and thank you for writing.

I've been unpacking "the limits of GGG" since I first introduced the concept. (And the "price of admission" too.) But since day one it's been, "good, giving, and game—within reason." What your ex did was entirely unreasonable and I'm sorry he misused my writings to make you feel obligated to this—to do all those other guys—for him. And I didn't (and wouldn't!) tell OWED to do this for her husband. Our back-and-forth was about trying to figure out what it was she wanted. (And, like the headline said, what her husband wants is big ask.) Which is why I told OWED...

If this thing turns you on too, well, that’s a stroke of luck. Just be clear about what you are and aren’t agreeing to. And you would have to be in control of who the other man is, how fast you move, etc.... But to be absolutely, positively clear: you don’t “owe” him this. If you think you might want to, well, then you should think about it, talk about it, and maybe one day—if it feels right, if you meet the right very special guest star, if you can honestly say you're doing this because you want to and not just because he wanted you to—then do it. Maybe. If you want to.

The desire to please a partner can be a good reason to give something a try, which I mentioned to OWED. But demanding that your partner fuck other people—and assume all the risks that come bundled with that—is entirely unreasonable. Some women have had terrible experiences with guys who were cuckolds (some women have had terrible experiences with guys who weren't cuckolds) and I'm glad you wrote in about your terrible experience. And even though I knew I was going to post your letter in the Reader Advice Roundup the moment I saw it, I wanted to make sure OWED saw it too. So I looked up her email and forwarded it directly to her. OWED wrote back...

Thank you for sending this! Wow. Your readers have been so helpful, thoughtful and compassionate in their comments, too. The different perspectives are giving me a lot to think about. But I really want to express my appreciation for you responding to my letter and for all your readers' responses too. I don’t have anyone I can really bring this up to “in real life,” so this has been so helpful. I’ve read your column a long time and know you have good readers, but it still is scary putting yourself out there for judgment, even anonymously, so I appreciate that the commentators were clearly trying to genuinely help and were empathetic.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: Savage Love is that rare spot on the web where you actually do want to read the comments. Thanks to everyone who shared their POV with OWED, even those who took issue with my advice, and a big "fuck you" to anyone out there who has ever weaponized my advice to manipulate or coerce a partner.

On diaper kinks:

Support The Stranger

Dan, just a short note. I long ago determined that my imagination, extensive props, and solo role playing as a diaperboy who's mainly into humiliation and punishment was far more satisfying than playing with others. I’m alone and far from miserable. I’m perfectly happy and well-satisfied with solo role playing. Perhaps that’s unusual but I’ve always thought diaper kinksters should relish their alone time more. Just wanted to put that out there.

Solo sex can be great sex!

I don't know which column, podcast, or SLLOTD this person is upset about... but, really, it could be about any one of them...

Didn't Rolling Stone get sold for being too leftist? Stick to the other subject you don't know shit about! The one your supposed to be an expert on!

...or it could be about all of them. I mean, that's some evergreen feedback right there! But I think it's supposed to be "stay away" from subjects you don't know shit about and not "stick to." But what do I know? (Other than mastering the your/you're thing, not much!)

Have a great weekend, everybody—and, hey, if you're not following Quarter Confessions...

...you might wanna do something about that. You could learn something new! Okay, see you Monday!


Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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