Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: He kissed a girl and now he's racked with guilt—should he come clean to his longterm girlfriend? She's been fucking a guy for nine years and she's in love with him—should she risk everything by telling him how she feels? He met a man in Spain and two years (and many, many text messages and Skype chats later) he's moving to Spain—should he refrain from even having casual sex in the meantime? And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast.

First up, regarding one part my advice to LEASH...

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Hello Mr Savage. I'm emailing you about the advice you gave to "Laughter Erases All Sexual Hopes," the guy who likes being on a leash. I'm a very private person myself and Leash-guy said he's into the leash in a private setting. So, I had a huge cringe reaction when you advised him to text his girlfriend about his kink. Yikes. Putting something like that in writing and in digital writing that can be saved and forwarded is about as far as keeping it private as I can think of. I guess I always think of the worse case scenario and that would be that Leash-guy and his girlfriend have an acrimonious break up and she uses his kink text to hurt him by sharing it with others.

So, I think your advice to text his kink was just bad advice. I hope he think so too. Face-to-face would be best, even though he runs the risk of the laugh in your face reaction. I liked the rest of your advice about how people often react at first by laughing and I would have preferred you built on that to help him understand a laugh reaction and to not feel bad about it, but to see it for what it is and work past it—verbally, face-to-face, no digital footprint.

Please don't advise people to put private and potentially embarassing things like that into digital format. It could come back to haunt them in a big way. I know you probably aren't phased by public disclosure becaue you're so open about your own sexual nature, but not everyone is like that or could withstand public scrutiny unscathed (from people they know, current and future and employers, a career in public life, etc). And after all that, I do love your column and read in online every week. You very rarely miss the mark.


One thing to add: LEASH's girlfriend already asked him if he had a kink. It sounds to me like she might have one herself. Did she ask that question because she was hoping he'd say yes and she would then feel empowered to share hers?

A followup email from a recent caller...

Thanks for playing my call! I’m the 41-year-old lady who got ditched by a guy she really liked because of the mutual friend crush, bro code, whatever. Just wanted to let you know I appreciated you playing my call. The friendship was something I thought a lot about and thanked the guy I dated for telling me what was up as I didn’t want to encourage the friend to like me. I originally met the friend as a business contact who helped me with legal stuff in my production work as he wanted to get into entertainment law. This is how we became friends.

Since the incident I have made space with me and the friend letting him know I can’t talk right now, therefore not talking or hanging out. Because I agree with you that can be a damaging situation for both parties! I thought because I talked to him about men I was dating it was ok but this situation proved otherwise. If he asks me I will tell him that I don’t want to be in a friendship that is being misconstrued by anyone as dating because I don’t think it’s healthy. I’m not going to blow him up and blame him for ruining my romance with a guy I really liked because of course like you said I will never know the truth! I do think he is a great guy and of course no one did anything on purpose.

Thanks again, Dan! I never thought a boring straight lady like me would make the podcast but your advice was very helpful!

Regarding my advice for REVOLT in last week's column...

Your response to REVOLT was great as usual. But what concerns me the most about her letter, though, is that as a society we're not teaching young men that sex should be enjoyable for everyone involved. Or we aren't teaching them how they can help make it enjoyable for women. Since most straight porn is male-oriented and doesn't feature women's orgasms (or techniques to help them along, for that matter), I wonder how more guys could be taught these things.

I can tell you what sure worked for me: women's erotica. When I was growing up my parents had a couple books of female-written erotica on the bookshelf. At younger ages I looked at them every once in a while out of curiosity. But when I hit puberty I hit them hard, using them as jerk fuel and reading them cover-to-cover multiple times. What I see now, as a guy in my mid-40s, is that they gave me firsthand (no pun intended) information at a formative age about what women may want sexually, and what gets them off physically. A few years later when I had my first girlfriend, I was always focused on her orgasming when we had sex, and helping her get there either orally or by hand if needed. Of course neither of us very good at first, but we learned together, and in every subsequent relationship my skills have improved. I can't imagine sex without doing my best to make it fantastic for the other person. Plus, I can't think of a bigger turn-on than a woman getting off with my help!

It's probably not for everyone, but if I was a parent with pre-teens I think I'd be keeping sex-positive literature and erotica out in the open at home, and letting the kids explore it on their own.


I'm a straight man in the midwest. All the things REVOLT found lacking, are part of my sexual script - lots of foreplay, giving oral sex, taking my time to help a female partner reach orgasm. A word to the lazy, self-serving men out there: sexual pleasure is a feedback loop. When you're with a partner who recognizes this, you'll find you can boost your own pleasure by focusing on hers. Don't rely on porn for your script, don't rush, and don't make your own orgasm the goal. Shifting your focus in bed will make you a better lover, your partner(s) more appreciative, and your sex life better. Genuine orgasms are so much better than faked.

Regarding a recent call about women rejecting shorter men...

A little love...

Twice today I had clients—couples—refer to you and your inspiration for them to explore their relationships openly and safely. By listening to you together, they were able to open up conversations, bring things to a new level, and define themselves and their intimacy in new ways. You have brought new and honest perspective to the meaning of sex, attraction, and intimacy and given people permission to try things on. You give people a forum and platform that allows them safety to explore and a new lens to see themselves as sexual beings. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And welcoming a new reader to the Savage Love family...

I’ve been enjoying your articles with great enthusiasm! I’ve always thought you had a heterosexual slant. When I read in your bio that you have a husband, I was quite surprised. I’d like you to consider writing articles about bottoms and bottoming. I’m a married man, very interested in bottoming, which my wife has no interest in whatsoever. It is my opinion that men’s inability and unwillingness to be penetrated, emotionally and sexually, is underneath the imbalance between men and women in our society, manifest as the male aversion to exposing vulnerability and toxic masculinity. So cool to learn you are gay!

I will consider writing articles one day—someday maybe someday—about straight men getting fucked in the ass by their wives and girlfriends with strap-on dildos. Maybe someday I'll even come up with a special word for just that maybe someday. But right now...

We're going to leave it there! I hope everyone has a great weekend and we'll see you back here on Monday!


Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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