Get your shit together, Pentagon!
Get your shit together, Pentagon! Digital Vision/Getty Images

Happy April Fool's Day: There will be no April Fools today. I mean, c'mon, read the room. The holiday has turned into a capitalist dick-measuring contest for brands anyway so I don't think we're missing out on much.

The Pentagon has ventilators to send: But it hasn't sent them. There are 2,000 ventilators in military stock that need transferring. The Pentagon says it hasn't sent them where they need to go because no one has told the Pentagon where to send them.

The stock market is no good: The S&P 500 has fallen 3 percent. The downward trend of the stock market continues! In March, stocks fell over 12 percent. This year, stocks are down 20 percent.

Sorry, a pandemic is no reason to outlaw abortion: U.S. judges ruled, blocking abortion bans in states that had deemed the procedure "nonessential" in the wake of stay-at-home orders and quarantines. Judges in Texas, Ohio, and Alabama have rolled back the bans.

Nursing homes are COVID-19 ground zero in Washington: Around 90 nursing homes or assisted care facilities in the state have confirmed COVID-19 cases in their midst. There are 517 cases, according to an investigation by the Seattle Times, and 66 people have died. But, that's an undercount. Many facilities still don't have access to proper testing which leaves them flying blind in the middle of a crisis that is impacting the populations they serve the most.

Welcome to the cause, Angels of the Wind Arena: The Everett arena will be opened as a quarantine site for coronavirus patients starting on Wednesday.

Welcome to the cause, LA landlord: Incredible. A Los Angeles landlord emailed all of their tenants to say that rent is absolutely due today despite the economic and health crisis that has put many out of work. The landlord forgot to the bcc all of the email recipients and everyone began responding with their gripes. The email list covered multiple properties. Organizing made easy?

Operation Varsity Blues parent still gets sentenced despite the pandemic: A California mom whose husband founded specialty finance lender Hercules Capital Inc was sentenced to seven months in prison and ordered to pay a $200,000 fine for rigging her two daughters' college entrance exams. She paid around $50,000 for ACT and SAT proctors to feed her daughters correct exam answers. She also paid $400,000 to get her oldest daughter into Georgetown as a tennis recruit. The sentencing was done via video.

France's domestic abuse reports have spiked: Since the country went on lockdown in mid-March, domestic abuse has been up 30%. The government is trying to help. France is relocating women to hotels that are stuck inside with their abusive partners. There are support centers at shopping centers and women can whisper a secret word to pharmacists and they'll receive help.

My favorite influencer right now: Is former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Here he is keeping everyone fit AND positive.

Maybe not the best approach here: Malaysian ministry apologizes for "avoid nagging" lockdown tips for women.

We can talk about March in past tense now: The longest month anyone (probably) has ever experienced is over. How we all feel:

There's a new test that can detect 50 kinds of cancer: The blood test is based around DNA that's shed by tumors. It can tell if someone has cancer but can also "shed light on" what kind of cancer they have.

"Maybe our numbers aren’t entirely giving the full picture of the coronavirus": Chinese officials said on Tuesday, hinting that the numbers they had reported weren't accurate.

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Oh, god damn it: Airborne particles may be assisting the spread of COVID-19. It all comes back to pollution, man.

FOX Sports announcer regrets asking the public for new play-by-play material: Last week, Joe Buck asked the public to give him some new material so he could practice his "play-by-play." People have sent him sex-tapes. He's asking them to stop.

For a round-up of today's biggest COVID-19 headlines: Click riiiiiiiiight here.