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This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: A lonely reader wonders if this legendary man's man wasn't secretly in love with the dude who was fucking his wife; another reader wanted me to focus less on COVID19 (because it's boring!) and more on her sex life (because it's exciting!); and a question from the archives about whether it's better to get your sex mess all over a hotel's towels or hotel sheets. And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast.

First up... remember the newly out bi guy who wanted my help finding a bi guy to join him and his wife in a poly triad? A search that was complicated by the fact that they're evangelicals and his wife "works in ministry"? Remember how I went off on him? Well, he wrote back...

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I wrote to you last year and signed myself Probably Outta Luck, Yeah? I'd recently come out to my wife as bi and wrote you about discreetly finding for a bi and poly guy to join us. You picked up on something else I my letter and it slapped some sense into me. I wrote about my wife’s ministry job and my involvement in evangelicalism. You called me out for my complicity. You couldn’t have been more right to do so.

So now I’d like to just offer some advice for anyone else who feels trapped in the shame trading system of oppression that is American evangelical Christianity. Queer or not, get out of it. Escape. Run the other direction. You won’t go to hell. You won’t die and your life will be better. Think about it. It’s supposed to be about love, right? Follow it out to its logical end. Love doesn’t do the things to people that evangelicals champion—creating the “other” or shaming people into approved behaviors, hating people because they’re “different.” This isn’t good. Now my reflection in my past life is one with some regret for what I did to people by propping up this fraud. It took me forty years, near death experiences, coming out, and spiritual deconstruction to see it. So if you have an inkling that this is wrong, trust your gut and flee. Your life will be better. Fuck the Bible thumpers, man. They don’t have your best interests at heart. Their interests lie in keeping the American church machine running so they can stay in business. Run. Get out. Your life will be better.

Thank you for the advice, Dan. My wife and I are doing well.

Thanks for the update, POLY, and here's a book recommendation for any evangelicals out there thinking of leaving the church. (Although I imagine the two circles in a Venn diagram of Savage Love readers and active evangelicals don't overlap much.)

I read and strongly endorsed this listener tweet at the end of the Savage Lovecast...

A neglected third writes in...

I am too shy to leave a voice message but wanted to comment on a tweet you read on Episode 702 graciously reminding couples to call or reach out to their thirds or other lovers who are on quarantine and cannot get together. I am in my 40s and for 2+ years I have very happily dated two different men who are married and in open DADT marriages. It has suited my needs to see each of them every so often, as they each live in different cities. I have often bent over backwards to accommodate their travel schedule so I can be in the same city at the same time. I have always understood and appreciated the boundaries of each relationship and never had any desire to interfere with their marriages.

Yet here we are quarantined, in different cities. Each of them at home with their wives and children. And here I am. Quarantined alone. And aside from one, “Wow this is crazy! Looks like we have to postpone our next rendezvous!”, text message at the very beginning of quarantine, I have not heard from either. This is sorely disappointing. While I know I was never going to be akin to their primary relationship, we had a bond and friendship nonetheless. And honestly, having me in their lives has very likely saved or strengthened their marriages. I am a believer in open relationships, Dan, but this experience has hardened me a bit. I hope every man out there who is snuggling safely at home in a strong relationship remembers the others who have helped and supported them when they felt they needed love, attention, and intimacy outside that marriage.

Thank you, Dan.

You're welcome. And on the off, off, off chance your lovers somehow got it into their heads that this is what you would want—maybe you didn't talk much about your lives, or talk much between meetings, and they've both stupidly assumed you would rather not hear from them now—you should drop them a note and ask them for what it is you want from them right now: just to hear from them now and then until you can get together again.

And it's not just men who need to be reminded to reach out to their thirds, their FWBs, their pieces on the side, their sex workers (if they were a regular client), their bondage buddies, etc. There are women out there with thirds and secondary partners, too, and couples with very special guest stars they've invited over again and again. Reach out.

I get a lot of letters from people who want to have sex without commitment—or want to have some particular need met outside their primary relationship—and many worry about objectifying they people they "only" want sex from. Well, the quickest way to demonstrate to your your thirds, your very special guest stars, your bondage buddies, etc., that you don't see them as sex objects—or that you don't only them as sex objects—is to reach out to them now and tell them you're thinking about them. Thank them for the joy and pleasure they've brought into your life, tell them you appreciate them, and that you're thinking of them.

We've been talking about the COVID19 pandemic on the Lovecast so much that ones listener thinks we need to do a new cover of the theme song...

Not every listener is thrilled by all the COVID content...

I am asking you… no, I am BEGGING you... please no more Cover-19 podcasts! For God’s sake! There is nothing in the newspaper except for Coronavirus. There has been 24-hour-a-day TV news coverage FOR WEEKS about Coronavirus. We have no sports to listen to, no Republican senators getting caught cruising airport restrooms, and there isn’t even a lot of good Trump bashing going around. We need to ESCAPE this shit, Dan, while be careful to stay six feet away from each other. And you are the guy I’ve always turned to for at least a good laugh or two! Even though it makes my flesh crawl when you call Terry your “huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusband”, I’ve stuck with you forever! I’m going to be 65 and if I don’t catch this shit and die in two weeks, I am calling on you, Nancy, and the TSARY to give us a break ONCE A WEEK! How about a greatest-calls-ever show? A show about guys sleeping with their mother-in-laws? A show about nipple clips and butt plugs gone bad? A show about santorum (IT, not HIM!)? Gay men turning straight guys one time? Dogs sleeping with cats? ANYTHING BUT COVID-19!

In my defense, I can only answer the questions I get—at the column and the podcast—and almost all of the questions coming in over the last three weeks have been about COVID19. Since I'm terrible at faking other people's voices and too lazy to make up letters... we're kinda stuck. But I tell you what: I'll do a Quickies column for next week and I'll do a deep dive into pre-February emails for some non-COVID19 Qs. (Also, Terry is my huzzbin, not my huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusband.)

At least one listener was so thrilled with the non-COVID19 content on the Lovecast that he was inspired to upgrade to the Magnum...

A new neologism inspired by recent events...

Damn it! I wish I'd thought of that. I call people who are (ahem) exploring polyamory with a certain reluctance "poly under duress." Or PUDs. Well, over the last few weeks, I've been talking to a lot of MUDs — people who are closing their relationships back down not by their own choice but because they couldn't fit their entire polycule in their apartment. They're MUDs!

HYPNO responds...

That was a fast post of my email! I responded in a comment but I really wanted for you to see this: Could you please make sure to add to your reader advice roundup advice about hypnosis safety? I realize I really should have included that. This post is a good place for safety advice. It's really interesting to see how many people think I'm a fake letter! I'm sorry I was mean to you in the email and too harsh in the beginning. And that it didn't seem like there was a question. And I am making sure my husband has some new video games—so he's having fun too. Thanks Dan!

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I wasn't offended at all by your letter, HYPNO! It was an interesting read and I was happy to have a break from thinking about COVID19 for a moment myself!

Attention must be paid...

How about a shoutout in the SLLOTD to the late, great John Prine? He wrote the greatest advice column song in history, and it even includes two letters about sexual problems. You can listen to it here. The advice remains unbeatable!

A blog recommendation...

I ran across a blog like nothing I’ve read before. Its by an old guy who has been having great sex with his wife for more than 60 years. He writes about stuff I’ve never even thought about, things like pleasure loops, sleep fucking, PMS sex (he says its great!), orgasms without coming, getting old together with a shared history, and a bunch of other stuff. Check it out. But you need to start at the beginning!

Not all heroes wear capes:

And finally... I keep zooming but I can't quite tell if they're six feet apart...

Okay, we're going to leave it there! Hope everyone has a great weekend—and a safe one—and we'll see you back here next Monday!


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Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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