Hes not going to shut up, mute button.
He's not going to shut up, mute button. NBC

What's in store for us? Each week we hit the dab rig, consult our altars, and predict the future. This week: predictions on cops fleeing back to the 'burbs, a landslide Biden victory, and peen-proof Zoom updates.

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If he loses, Trump will leave the country. At a potential super-spreader event the other day the President joked about the embarrassment of losing to the "worst candidate in Presidential politics" driving him to leave the country. While embarrassment might not drive him out, the lawsuits he'll face after he leaves office just might. According to Business Insider, Trump is looking at "an onslaught of lawsuits if he loses reelection and becomes a private citizen once again." They include a list of nine ongoing cases, including a defamation case from E. Jean Carroll, a couple regarding malfeasance related to the Trump Organization, and a $15 million lawsuit alleging Trump "mismanaged" the Panama Hotel. If he doesn't leave, we might catch him raising funds on GoFundMe. If he does leave, the obvious question—where will he go?—has an obvious answer: Russia. R.S.

Turnout in King County will reach 90%. King County Elections Director Julie Wise said voter turnout in King County could break records this November, even passing 90%. Based on the record-breaking readership of the Stranger Election Control Board's endorsements, I'd say there's a good chance that's going to happen. But there are more signs that turnout is through the roof:


Still, don't get complacent, King County. 20% is a long way away from 90%. We typically see two giant waves of people reading our endorsements. The first comes when the endorsements drop. The second crashes in—usually much higher than the first—during the days leading up to the voting deadline. While we've seen a larger turnout during this first wave, I expect we'll still see an even more massive second wave. If you've already voted, help the county get to 90%. Talk to your friends. Print out that cheat sheet. C.B.

We’ll see a ballot box brawl. Someone already crammed literal shit into a West Seattle ballot box during the first weekend after King County voters received their ballots. As the election nears, things will heat up at ballot boxes across the country. Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson suspended open-carried firearms at the polls because she didn’t want it to lead to voter intimidation or violence. She didn't take away their fists, though. N.G.

We will count every single piece of data. This was the plan: By slowing down the voting process (particularly mail-in votes) to a snail's pace, Trump would certainly be declared the winner on election night. And from this safe position, he could attack the slow counting of votes from densely populated areas with legal backing from a packed Supreme Court. But the early voting surge indicates that Joe Biden might actually win on election night. If this happens, expect Trump to demand that we count every vote, every piece of paper, every bit of data until kingdom come. C.M.

Police violence is coming for the suburbs. Look out, Kennewick—Seattle’s ex-cops are coming your way. This year has seen a slight increase in resignations among Seattle Police, and exit interviews paint a picture of the type of officer the city is losing. “I refuse to work for this socialist city council and their political agenda,” wrote one cop. Another said they were leaving due to “the council wanting to defund us,” and one more said he couldn’t stand the “Marxist collaborations.” Okay, don't let the door hit you, etc etc etc. Some of those cops say they’re taking police jobs in Kennewick, Everett, Des Moines, and Pierce County, so be warned, bedroom communities. Tear gas and flashbangs may be in your future. M.B.

This winter will be all about gravy vs. soup. Now that everyone’s perfected their quarantine sourdough, the cooler weather will direct our attention to warm comfort recipes. I predict a renaissance of soups and gravies this winter—they’re both easy to make, perfect for chilly days at home, and fill the house with nice relaxing bubbling sounds and the cozy savory scent of an impending meal. By the time November rolls around, we’ll roast chickens in the morning, carve them in the afternoon, and then boil the carcasses for stock in the evening, transforming our apartments into rustic taverns. M.B.

Another semi-celebrity will flash his peen to all his colleagues over Zoom, leading to some small product changes. Yesterday, reporting revealed that New Yorker writer Jeffrey Toobin stroked one out while, erm, participating in an election simulation on Zoom. He has since apologized, and the publication suspended him, but the only surprise here is that it took this long for a prominent journalist to take out his dick on camera. I think Toobin opened the cumgates for inappropriate award-winning dicks appearing on Zoom work calls. But maybe the incident will spur the video conferencing platform to institute some changes—a flashing banner across the screen telling users that their video is on, a pop-up before you join the meeting that asks if your bits are covered. Apparently Boomers must be handheld while using the internet. J.K.

The rise of Zorbing. You've seen Zorbing. It's that weird form of soccer people play with their top halves encased in bubbles. It's big at high school pep rallies. That idea—the literal personal space bubble—could be how public gatherings and events bounce back from the pandemic. Last week, the Flaming Lips played a concert. Everyone was in bubbles. Next thing we know, we're all going to be invited to BYOB (Bring Your Own Bubble) dinner parties and going to bubbled-up movies. N.G.

The mute button will not mute Donald Trump. Today the Commission on Presidential Debates announced that they would employ a mute button at Thursday's presidential debate in light of the disastrous first debate. While admirable (and a long time coming) there's no way that bloviating head of state will stop talking just because his mic is turned off. He's a big bully and big bullies never feel threatened by any sense of decency. My bet is Trump will ignore his muting and shout whatever awful thing he deems appropriate for the moment. And you know what? His base will eat it right up! America! J.K.

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Eric will be the next Trump to catch COVID-19: I mean, look at this shit. R.S.

New, weird COVID sports. Massachusetts high school teams changed some of the most basic rules of soccer to keep kids safe. The sport they’re playing now hardly looks like soccer anymore. Masked-up players can't tackle, can't head the ball or throw the ball in, the goalie can't punt the ball past midfield, and more crazy rules. Most fouls are COVID-19 fouls now, and defenders, who really can't defend anymore, must strategically COVID-foul to stop an opposing player from dribbling straight to the net. It's weird and it's not really soccer. It's something else. Maybe these rules will stick around in the post-COVID world when flu season rolls around. N.G.


Read more totally accurate predictions here.

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