[Posted yesterday; reposted now for the hell of it.]

When I heard that the Washington State Liquor Control Board—which long ago outlived its uselessness—was doing all it could to shut down the Eagle, a dark & dirty gay bar that’s been on Capitol Hill for 25+ years, I was annoyed. Why was the LCB—in cahoots with the SPD—trying to shut down what would, in any other city, be a tolerated/beloved dark & dirty institution? It might not be a place that the mayor would take visiting dignitaries, but it wouldn’t be a place that the city and state would spend tens of thousands of your tax dollars trying to shut down. Then I saw exhibit A in the LCB’s case against the Eagle:

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An LCB agent took this picture at the Eagle. If you look closely you’ll notice that the dick of the fourth man from the left is clearly visible. Actually it probably wasn’t clearly visible—the Eagle is a dark bar—until the LCB agent took a flash photograph of it. But it’s clearly visible in this flash photograph. Well, actually, it’s not clearly visible in the flash photograph. You can barely see the thing. (The dick is so hard to see that I don’t even need to hide this photo behind the jump.) But to make sure we can all see the dick the LCB report includes the original shot plus a bonus blow-up shot of the dick at the Eagle. You can see the LCB’s big dick pic—NSFW—by clicking here.

Disgusting, right? But in all honestly my first reaction was typical knee-jerk Seattle liberal stuff. “Thanks to the hard work of the LCB,” I grumbled to one of my coworkers, “more people will have seen this dude’s dick—in the LCB’s report, on our website when I post it—than would’ve seen it if that dude had spent the whole summer waggling it over the balcony at the Eagle. Our tax dollars at work!”

But a journalist is trained to look at issues impartially. (At least that’s what trained journalists are always telling me.) So I decided to take a step back and consider the full implications of dicks in bars like the Eagle. Yes, one could argue that trying to shut down the Eagle—and throw bartenders and barbacks out of work—is a huge waste of public money and manpower. One could point out that the same state that paid an LCB agent to sniff out cock at the Eagle just kicked 40,000 people off the state health insurance rolls to close a budget gap. One might be tempted to mention that the same state disseminating cock shots via public records is slashing funding for higher education. And one might be so petty as to point out the brazen disregard for state law displayed by an agent of the state here: the man on the balcony at the Eagle is wearing a Utilikilt and “up-skirt photography” is illegal in Washington state.

But what about people who don’t want to see dick at the Eagle? Imagine an innocent patron with no interest in dick innocently enjoying his beer at the Eagle. If he had looked up at just the wrong moment—say the moment the LCB agent’s camera’s flash went off—that innocent Eagle patron would’ve been exposed to dick whether he liked dick or not.

I can hear you snickering. But it’s just not fair to assume that every man who goes to the Eagle likes dick. Don’t stereotype gay men like that. Not all of us like dick. Some of us like opera. And, yes, the Eagle is a dark & dirty gay bar and everyone who enters it—and you have to be at least 21 to enter the Eagle—knows what the place is like. But if even one Eagle patron was exposed to dick against his will, well, we can all agree that that would be one Eagle patron exposed to dick too many.

After I came around to the Liquor Control Board’s POV on this—dicks in bars are menace and preventing dicks in bars is a wise use of public funds—I began to wonder if dicks were a problem at other bars in the area. To find out I went on a bar crawl yesterday during happy hour and what do you know? I saw dick pretty much everywhere I went. And I took pictures. Now I want our website to be SFW—unlike the NSFW reports the LCB cranks out—so I’ve covered up the dicks in these shocking photos with the faces of the unsung heroes working hard to protect us all from dicks in bars. Lorraine Lee, Roger Hoen, Ruthann Kurose are the three sitting members of the Washington State Liquor Control Board. You can read more about their thrilling exploits here and you can email them here to thank them for protecting you from the sight of dicks in bars and on blogs. (But the NSFW versions of these photos can be found after the jump for any dick fans out there.) Here we go…

Dick at O’Asian, a bar across the street from City Hall popular with city hall staffers:

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Dick at Collins Pub, a bar frequented by deputy mayor Tim Ceis:

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Dick at the Spitfire Grill, site of Christine Gregoire’s election-night party:

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I have to say that I was shocked—shocked—by all the dick I found running around town yesterday. (And I was shocked when I got back to work and downloaded the photos and realized that all the dick I saw seemed belong to the same dude. I think this dude might be stalking me.) But what shocked me most was the fact that not once, not in any of these bars, did the staff seem to notice or care that an innocent patron—me!—was being exposed to so much dick. Not even at Spitfire, where the dick was exposed by the windows. Innocent passersby could see it! I thought about going to the LCB’s website and filng a complaint when I realized that I was right across the street for city hall. So I rushed to council chambers to speak with my elected representatives about all these dicks everywhere and—no way!

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Dicks in city hall? Right outside council chambers? Is nowhere safe from this growing menace? And what about the children?

Before I went out yesterday and investigated the dicks overrunning our city I might’ve argued that bars—gay and otherwise—are open to the general public and a bar’s owner and staff can’t realistically be expected to police the behavior of all of their patrons at every single moment. Now I know better. The sheer amount of dick in our bars is shocking and I am now convinced that the LCB and the SPD must act to protect us all. But they can’t fight this fight alone. That’s why I’m deputizing you, Slog readers, to help me and the Liquor Control Board and the Seattle Police Department beat back these dicks off before its too late. LCB agents and SPD officers can’t be everywhere. So if you see a dick in a bar do something: Take a picture of that dick and email it to me. I will share your dick pics with the brave men and women of the LCB.

Of course if we find dicks in every bar in the city that will put the LCB in a difficult position indeed. If there are dicks everywhere and not just in a dark & dirty gay bar on Capitol Hill—dicks at the lobby bar at the downtown Sheraton, dicks at Fox Sports Grill, dicks at the Wildrose—then the LCB will be faced with the prospect of shutting down every bar, restaurant, and tavern in the city. And I can’t imagine that they’ll do that. But it’s a risk we’ll have to run because we can’t have dicks in bars. So go out, watch for dick, and if you see dick—or if your dick slips out of your trousers—take a picture and email it to me.

Together we can make Seattle’s gay bars safe for women and children.

O’Asian:

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Collins Pub:

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Spitfire Grill:

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City Hall:

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125 replies on “Dicks In Bars: A Growing Public Menace”

  1. Speaking of dicks, if you’d gone to basic training at Fort Dix, NJ, a night at the Eagle and the flash of merely one shrinking violet penis wouldn’t make so much no never mind.

  3. edit #84> (y’all need an ‘edit post’ fuction for us retarded folks)

    this should have read: “from sissy bitches LIKE Kirby (#56)” Didn’t mean to accuse him specifically. But 10 years ago the same shit was going on and it was suspected that the SPD and LCB were getting complaints from a variety of places: people who had been 86’d for various reasons and other disgruntled nellies, and the new neighbors in the new condos across the street.

    Great article from yesterday by Jonah Spangenthal-Lee “Lowering the Bar”.
    http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/lower…
    Interesting to learn that a (former?) employee is part of the trouble.

    To my friends at The Eagle: good luck guys!

  4. How ironic you put the mayor on the end of your dick, but didn’t have the balls to run against him. By the way, is meglomania a mental illness? And BTW2, what does your child think of this – or better yet, what does CPS think of your parenting?

  7. I just want to Thank you all at The Wslcb,
    For your blatant misuse of taxpayers’ money.
    I am chiding a majority response to actually see what it is you do ?? and who is watching you??? so your views are not Bigoted, Raciest, and most objectively
    HOMOPHOBIC
    The rant on The Seattle Eagle and other establishments that have been a part of our lovely city way before idiots like the 3 of you (you know who you are)
    Were fanned to existence, will hopefully come to a halt
    I disapprove of the mindless war hero mentality you all at WSLCB represent …your days end is coming
    I hope you are smarter than you think

  8. I would just like to comment that everyone who reads this blog should write or call their local representative and law enforcement office and complain about this waste of taxpayer money.I already have. The morality codes in the state of Washington haven’t been changed since prohibition. These archaic laws are being used to harass the gay community, exclusively. This is prejudice and is illegal.

    The Eagle is a small bar and probably doesn’t have the financial reserves to mount a lawsuit against Seattle Police and the Washington State Liquor Control Board.

    Also, every third Tuesday of the month at 6:00 PM at the East Precinct is a meeting between Seattle Police and Members of the Gay Community. I was there last week and there were only 7 or 8 people there. I would love to see the chamber overflowing with people wanting to know what is happening.

  12. Many major cities have an “Eagle” bar: they’re always the same, leather-ish gay guy bar (though a couple are branching out & inviting more heteros). NYC, DC, LA, Chicago, Phoenix, Portland, Toronto, New Orleans, Charlotte(?), Florida..I’ve never heard of an Eagle bar being given any legal grief though. Geez, people, you’ve shoved the freaky gay guys out of sight into some dark, dank little hole of a bar..then you’re gonna complain that occasionally, someone might flash their dick there? Yeesh.

    That seems conflicted. Also, hopefully, hard to prosecute.

    You all should definitely have some kinda Slog Happy or other fundraiser for the Eagle if things get worse for them. You’d miss them if they were gone.

  13. How Fucked up !!!!
    The Eagle is a great place, and a far cry from all the over suited gay/Karaoke establishments that have seemed to overrun the neighbourhood
    I go there quite often and have for the last 20 some years, I can’t believe that all the sudden their is a problem at that bar?
    Now years ago when things were a bit dumpier I could have seen, maybe like when the bar staff were all meth’ed out and the customers as well
    but this is not the case and hasn’t been since like the late 90’s,
    the music is always so broad and the bartenders are the hottest shit in Seattle gay or Str8.
    If all of you that read this want to do something, first off, GO TO THE EAGLE, spend your money there and give them a fighting chance,
    I promise,that once you have it as your hangout you wont bother with the ill faded, Cuff, or the other unadventurous Str8 clubs that have tired gay events (Chop Suey)
    I think we all need to give The SPD and WSLCB something better to do
    Complain,Complain,Complain
    …there fucking up a good thing folks

  14. Thank You, Ms Eva Hopkins for being a supportive voice for the gay community (It sounds like you’re a straight girl, although I could be wrong!)

    I remember a story told tell me once, first they came for the gypsy’s and no one complained, then they came for the Jehovah’s Witnesses and no one did anything, then they came for the gays and no one complained, then they came for the Jews and no one did anything. Now they’ve come for me and no one is left to do anything.

    I’ve heard from reliable sources that The Liquor Control Board and SPD have cited ReBar for a Burlesque show there on Friday Night. Granted Rebar isn’t a gay bar, but it isn’t straight bar either. It’s a great bar that serves a wonderful group of people. I don’t frequent it all that often, but I do go occasionally when a show piques my interest.

    First they came after the gay bars, and no one did anything, now they’re going after the gay friendly bars… Who’s going to stand up for them?

    Does anyone know what went on there Friday night and perhaps share with us?

  15. Danner: Aww thanks. I’m bi, but would likely still be all lovin’ the gays if I was str8. When I come back to Seattle in 2011, I hope the Eagle is still there & you can buy me a drink. 🙂

  16. You know, this isn’t a new story – it’s an old chapter in a very old story. (Warning: Catalina’s going to go for a walk down memory lane here….)

    Prior to the late 70’s, “rogue elements” of the SPD – working with “rogue elements” of the LCB – routinely shook down gay bar owners (among others). That’s one of the reasons why the GSBA was founded: It was originally a bunch of bar owners who came together to try to fight the corruption.

    Eventually, the SPD was busted for their payoffs schemes (by the Times, no less) and things got better. But the archaic regulations and bureaucracy that allowed the shakedowns to happen have stayed in place, because politicians are afraid to touch the LCB, and politicians are afraid to be seen as “soft on vice” if they question these laws.

    When it comes to the liquor stores themselves, a big part of the reason we can’t get rid of them is because of organized labor: They’re union jobs, and getting rid of union jobs is thought of as a third rail in Democratic politics. As a union member myself, I think the politicians are being short-sighted and are probably more afraid of the unions than they need to be – I would guess that most union members (other than the ones being eliminated, of course) would see the benefit of closing these stores. The union leadership would fight it, but that’s what they are supposed to do, since they are the agents for their members, but I think that internally they probably accept this as inevitable.

    My compromise would be to grant franchises to sell liquor only to union grocery stores (where feasible) as the size of those stores would make issues like selling to a minor almost a moot point, but no one has ever proposed that – and even I think that’s not the best idea – but if it helps break the monopoly, so be it.

    With the state liquor stores and their associated overhead gone, the actual net tax revenue would go up (particularly if we allowed sales on Sunday and sales during bar hours). If they then eliminated the enforcement division on the retail level (you’d still need something on the distributor level, but it wouldn’t be involved in any customer behavior issues – that would be up to local authorities, as it is in most other normal parts of the country), that tax money could actually go towards things like schools or treatment programs.

    There’d still be the issue of police being able to harass for dumb things like dicks and porn, but at least the redundancy would be gone, and it’s much easier to deal with local regulations on the local level (I.e. Seattle might decide to allow porn in bars, and/or strip clubs that serve liquor, Bellevue would decide just to allow strip clubs. )

    But as long as the liquor stores continue their monopoly, the funding source for most of the LCB activities will remain, and we are stuck.

  18. Soapbox: The WA LCB only prevents me from drinking in the street. It doesn’t prevent homeless people from drinking, e.g. under the wisteria in the parking lot behind the condos across the street from the Eagle. The WA LCB’s liquor containment in the bars of Capitol Hill and downtown–surely the most rigorous enforcement area in the state, no?–causes the kind of behavior it supposedly prevents. In other countries, you don’t go out until 1 a.m.. Here, you’re done then. You don’t have time to get to know a room, start up conversations, if you’re only in bars from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m.. In my view, the 1 a.m. cutoff takes the “social” out of drinking. Don’t get me started on the uncivilized “last call,” encouraging kids to quickly belt one down they didn’t need and then aggressively kicking them out into the street. That creates mayhem even among the gentlest of software programmers, and it’s unpleasant to do to anyone.

  20. Ecce and the rest of his prude posse can continue to look at their genitals and cry in shame. The cops aren’t busting straight dance clubs with short tight skirts and exposed clams, this shit is targeting “unwanted” gay hotspots. If you don’t want to see anything vaguely sexual, don’t go to danceclubs. Go to fucking Disney. Go to a bar, which isn’t entirely safe either. You’re not supposed to take minors I to bars anyway. And there’s enough self-hatred as a stereotype without you justifying and cheering on morality laws yourself. You’re a dull-witted biddy, more interested in what the worst of straights and an overactive government demand of you than you are rights.

  22. So late to the game, but I thought it wasn’t illegal to be nude in Seattle. Wasn’t there that guy who got arrested in the park because he was nude, and later sued the city because, well it wasn’t illegal. It’s illegal to engage in sex in public (hello Eagle backroom), but not to have your dick out. Soooooo what leg does the Liquor schmucks have to stand on with just this pic of dick?

    p.s.- eating at Bleu Monday night I non consensually overheard some douche who claimed to work for the liquor control board. You couldn’t help but overhear him as he tried to name drop the owner of Bleu to the staff and anyone who would listen. He also loudly told his date to tell him what restaurant she wanted a job in on the hill and he would make sure she got it. Man I can’t even tell you how annoying and douchey he was. I assume they’re all kind of like that.

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