[Posted yesterday; reposted now for the hell of it.]
When I heard that the Washington State Liquor Control Board—which long ago outlived its uselessness—was doing all it could to shut down the Eagle, a dark & dirty gay bar that’s been on Capitol Hill for 25+ years, I was annoyed. Why was the LCB—in cahoots with the SPD—trying to shut down what would, in any other city, be a tolerated/beloved dark & dirty institution? It might not be a place that the mayor would take visiting dignitaries, but it wouldn’t be a place that the city and state would spend tens of thousands of your tax dollars trying to shut down. Then I saw exhibit A in the LCB’s case against the Eagle:
An LCB agent took this picture at the Eagle. If you look closely you’ll notice that the dick of the fourth man from the left is clearly visible. Actually it probably wasn’t clearly visible—the Eagle is a dark bar—until the LCB agent took a flash photograph of it. But it’s clearly visible in this flash photograph. Well, actually, it’s not clearly visible in the flash photograph. You can barely see the thing. (The dick is so hard to see that I don’t even need to hide this photo behind the jump.) But to make sure we can all see the dick the LCB report includes the original shot plus a bonus blow-up shot of the dick at the Eagle. You can see the LCB’s big dick pic—NSFW—by clicking here.
Disgusting, right? But in all honestly my first reaction was typical knee-jerk Seattle liberal stuff. “Thanks to the hard work of the LCB,” I grumbled to one of my coworkers, “more people will have seen this dude’s dick—in the LCB’s report, on our website when I post it—than would’ve seen it if that dude had spent the whole summer waggling it over the balcony at the Eagle. Our tax dollars at work!”
But a journalist is trained to look at issues impartially. (At least that’s what trained journalists are always telling me.) So I decided to take a step back and consider the full implications of dicks in bars like the Eagle. Yes, one could argue that trying to shut down the Eagle—and throw bartenders and barbacks out of work—is a huge waste of public money and manpower. One could point out that the same state that paid an LCB agent to sniff out cock at the Eagle just kicked 40,000 people off the state health insurance rolls to close a budget gap. One might be tempted to mention that the same state disseminating cock shots via public records is slashing funding for higher education. And one might be so petty as to point out the brazen disregard for state law displayed by an agent of the state here: the man on the balcony at the Eagle is wearing a Utilikilt and “up-skirt photography” is illegal in Washington state.
But what about people who don’t want to see dick at the Eagle? Imagine an innocent patron with no interest in dick innocently enjoying his beer at the Eagle. If he had looked up at just the wrong moment—say the moment the LCB agent’s camera’s flash went off—that innocent Eagle patron would’ve been exposed to dick whether he liked dick or not.
I can hear you snickering. But it’s just not fair to assume that every man who goes to the Eagle likes dick. Don’t stereotype gay men like that. Not all of us like dick. Some of us like opera. And, yes, the Eagle is a dark & dirty gay bar and everyone who enters it—and you have to be at least 21 to enter the Eagle—knows what the place is like. But if even one Eagle patron was exposed to dick against his will, well, we can all agree that that would be one Eagle patron exposed to dick too many.
After I came around to the Liquor Control Board’s POV on this—dicks in bars are menace and preventing dicks in bars is a wise use of public funds—I began to wonder if dicks were a problem at other bars in the area. To find out I went on a bar crawl yesterday during happy hour and what do you know? I saw dick pretty much everywhere I went. And I took pictures. Now I want our website to be SFW—unlike the NSFW reports the LCB cranks out—so I’ve covered up the dicks in these shocking photos with the faces of the unsung heroes working hard to protect us all from dicks in bars. Lorraine Lee, Roger Hoen, Ruthann Kurose are the three sitting members of the Washington State Liquor Control Board. You can read more about their thrilling exploits here and you can email them here to thank them for protecting you from the sight of dicks in bars and on blogs. (But the NSFW versions of these photos can be found after the jump for any dick fans out there.) Here we go…
Dick at O’Asian, a bar across the street from City Hall popular with city hall staffers:
Dick at Collins Pub, a bar frequented by deputy mayor Tim Ceis:
Dick at the Spitfire Grill, site of Christine Gregoire’s election-night party:
I have to say that I was shocked—shocked—by all the dick I found running around town yesterday. (And I was shocked when I got back to work and downloaded the photos and realized that all the dick I saw seemed belong to the same dude. I think this dude might be stalking me.) But what shocked me most was the fact that not once, not in any of these bars, did the staff seem to notice or care that an innocent patron—me!—was being exposed to so much dick. Not even at Spitfire, where the dick was exposed by the windows. Innocent passersby could see it! I thought about going to the LCB’s website and filng a complaint when I realized that I was right across the street for city hall. So I rushed to council chambers to speak with my elected representatives about all these dicks everywhere and—no way!
Dicks in city hall? Right outside council chambers? Is nowhere safe from this growing menace? And what about the children?
Before I went out yesterday and investigated the dicks overrunning our city I might’ve argued that bars—gay and otherwise—are open to the general public and a bar’s owner and staff can’t realistically be expected to police the behavior of all of their patrons at every single moment. Now I know better. The sheer amount of dick in our bars is shocking and I am now convinced that the LCB and the SPD must act to protect us all. But they can’t fight this fight alone. That’s why I’m deputizing you, Slog readers, to help me and the Liquor Control Board and the Seattle Police Department beat back these dicks off before its too late. LCB agents and SPD officers can’t be everywhere. So if you see a dick in a bar do something: Take a picture of that dick and email it to me. I will share your dick pics with the brave men and women of the LCB.
Of course if we find dicks in every bar in the city that will put the LCB in a difficult position indeed. If there are dicks everywhere and not just in a dark & dirty gay bar on Capitol Hill—dicks at the lobby bar at the downtown Sheraton, dicks at Fox Sports Grill, dicks at the Wildrose—then the LCB will be faced with the prospect of shutting down every bar, restaurant, and tavern in the city. And I can’t imagine that they’ll do that. But it’s a risk we’ll have to run because we can’t have dicks in bars. So go out, watch for dick, and if you see dick—or if your dick slips out of your trousers—take a picture and email it to me.
Together we can make Seattle’s gay bars safe for women and children.
O’Asian:
Collins Pub:
Spitfire Grill:
City Hall:
oooh-
boy penises!
maybe Dan is gay after all…
You need to do a video, but with narration in the style of the 60’s Batman series, “What’s this!?! Dicks in city hall? Right outside council chambers? Is nowhere safe from this growing menace?”
http://it.truveo.com/Batman-60s-Tv-Serie…
Also this video seems fitting too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGRPFUYUU…
Great piece! …the Eagle is a sweet bar and the WA LCB hates America. Not only America; the WA LCB hates alcohol.
50 rflmao
Okay- Not to be a smartass- but from the way that Dan described the Eagle, is it really a place that folks go for a drink with friends from work?! I mean friends from work who you don’t want to share a dick sighting with? Really? I wouldn’t want my niece or nephew to see a bunch of dick flailing about everyplace (say Disneyland) but I’m likely not to take them to the Eagle. However, if I lived in the area, I would like a good place to go see some dick occasionally if I so choose, and it sounds like that’s the purpose of this bar. We aren’t children and the government shouldn’t hold our hand. Maybe the best solution is for people to get a clue about where they take their work friends for a drink.
Dan, I have really mixed feeling about this post. I have no doubt whatsoever that the Eagle is being unfairly targeted, and that the police have much better things to do with their time. HOWEVER, for the past few years, the Eagle has gone WAY over the line in terms of public sex and drug use. Up until a few months ago, it was not uncommon to see dozens of men next to the DJ booth fucking and sucking as if they were in the back room of an Amsterdam bar. Going outside to the patio meant there were at least a dozen men getting high (and lots more smoking cigarettes, which is also illegal). NO ONE ever cared about any of this — it was just part of being at the Eagle.
What I found so shocking is that after the police came SEVERAL times to stop the sex and drugs, it was still going on. This is far more than someone having a dick out. It is about the fact that up until the last few weeks, the bartenders and bouncer would walk the bar and not do a thing about the behavior they were warned about. (In fact, it was only a month or so ago I complained that people were getting high on the patio and the bouncer looked at me like I was crazy and did NOTHING.)
I am not an Eagle hater. The Eagle is the bar I usually hang out in. I would never dream of going to the Cuff, which seems little more than a location for bachelorette parties at this point. But the owner and staff of the Eagle have never cared about what goes on in their bar and STILL refuse to monitor the sex and drugs.
Oh and in the video, the LCB officers need to be portrayed by Ken dolls.
56, It sounds like you want to make the Eagle into a location for bachelorette parties. I don’t do drugs, nor do I have sex in bars, but it doesn’t offend me that others do. If I go to one of the many Eagles around the country, I don’t expect it to be a family environment.
@57 Only if the Eagle patrons can be played by GI Joes. Yum!
59, or better yet those anatomically correct G.I. Joe-esque dolls. The name of those figures escapes me right now.
Calm down everybody it’s not Dan’s dick. It’s mine. And Dan, your right. I am stalking you. Think Fatal Attraction!!!
@56
What’s your Problem!?
Can’t a bunch of moral upstanding family men let off a little steam without the nanny state bitching it’s head off?
@61
Your? Dumbass.
@56 Honestly, all those things you’re complaining about I would love to have legalized.
Who cares if someone wants to have some fun on a Friday night. Some like to drink, some get high, some smoke some pole. Who are these things hurting?
@56 Why would you (claim to) hang out at the Eagle if you’re so offended by what (used to, before the WSLB started cracking down A YEAR AGO) go on at the Eagle? Are you really that freaked out by weed and ciggies? Really?? Go back to your convent and leave the rest of us to patronize the bars we see fit. If the dick is such a problem for people, then they won’t patronize the bar. That’s called capitalism- something that conservatives seem to love in idea, but loath in practice.
WTF is the LCB’s problem?
After we lose the Prop 8 battle, the LCB is on the list for potential riot spots.
NO MORE MR NICE GAY.
awesome! someone has a lot of balls
This post is awesome. I once saw dick at the Canterbury but I wasn’t as quick-thinking as the WLCB guy and let it swing on by, flaccid and unphotographed.
Just when I thought Savage was a washed-up hack, he comes up with this stunt / call to action. Fantastic!
As usual, Savage steers the story towards himself and/or his crotch. And with typical rambling logic – that openly displaying dicks in a public bar is comparable to quickly, furtively unfurling in a vacant city hall corridor. Oh, bravo! OK, It confirms the stereotypical gay man image held by homohaters. But, by God, Dan, who so often runs photos of his big head, finally got pics of his little one published. Of course, that’s the singular purpose of this piece – even if it inadvertently reveals which head he thinks with.
Fucking wonderful post, great idea. I must be parochial beyond words, ‘cos it makes me super happy when you put serious verve into your local stuff. I still wish you’d be mayor.
Wuuuunderful.
THIS JUST IN: PEOPLE HAVE SEX AND DO DRUGS IN PUBLIC PLACES – FILM @ 11…
Seriously @56, if you shut down every public place where anyone has ever done drugs or had sex, nobody would ever be allowed to go outside again.
And there’s an even more insidious issue that Dan sort of skims over here, but which is more salient, IMO: the guy “going commando” in the UK was not intentionally exposing himself, he just happens to be not wearing underwear (which, so far as I’m aware at least, is not currently illegal in this state), while at the same time wearing an unbifurcated garment (also not illegal).
My question for the LCB would be: if the person in the photo was indeed guilty of “indecent exposure” or some similar offense, why was he not arrested on-the-spot? And conversely, if he WASN’T guilty of any sort of infraction, how could the establishment be held liable for what is in essence a case of incidental exposure?
And although I’m not sure the “up-skirt law” was originally intended to apply to men equally as to women, in this case it seems a least probable the LCB officer may in fact be guilty of some sort of violation for having taken such a photograph; or I’m at least guessing a court would have a reasonable expectation of making such a judgment, if it ever came to trial.
@44 @48 Yes, The Coiff still blows. Harder than ever, in fact.
Wagging the weenie in a gay bar is just part of the territory but it DOES come off as a desperate move by the wagger. It’s like, “OK I get it, you’re horny.” The rest of us prefer to cruise a little more subtly.
Goddamn it… Look other straight people if you have wonderful gay friends who are kind enough to invite you to join them for an evening out, please remember you are going somewhere where you will be a fucking guest. They are not taking you to Cheers, it will not be like Pioneer Square. Your job as the token breeder is to sit at the table, speak when spoken to, and politly take in the experience that your friends are being awesome enough to let you in on. It’s not your bar, its their bar and just like they wince and laugh kinda nervously everytime they join you in Pioneer Square and some bitch is flapping her tits in everyones face; it’s your job to return the favor and tolerate some dick when you are out with them. Either expect to have to deal with some cock or don’t fucking go to gay bars, its really that simple.
(sorry, please try not to trip over my soapbox…)
Sooo… I sent in a Last Days hot tip last week because I saw a woman jacking off the guy next to her on a PACKED BUS at 1 pm on a Friday AFTERNOON. When I go to places like the Eagle, or the Cuff, CCs…shit even QFC after midnight on a Saturday night, (which I admittedly don’t frequent that often), I know that I may encounter a wiener or two. I accept that fact when I pay the cover charge.
Now, when I pay my bus fee, I am never going to be OK seeing wieners in that environment. EVER.
So, since the city is so hung up on getting wieners out of gay bars, what are they doing to make our city buses wiener-free?
Tania
Great article Dan… if the P-I had been more like this, maybe they wouldn’t have gone under.
BTW… Even as a lesbo, I have to say I’m impressed with the wiener in your article… and I apologize for using wiener so many times in this post.
Really, Dan? Really?
The Seattle Eagle is SO tame compared to most. I once went to an ass-eating contest at the Portland Eagle. I guess Portland’s equivalent of the LCB just doesn’t care about protecting the innocent!
@33
Bullshit that’s not your dick.
I do hope you plan on sharing the evidence of dicks in every bar with Slog readers.
no, i don’t think that’s the infamous Savage Schlong…Dan doesn’t seem like the large jewelry type…unless he’s trying to misdirect us!
I will try and get some dick shots from IML just for you Dan.
@56 – i call bullshit on your post dude, the bartenders at the eagle have done a lot to comply with the liquor board. and they have been policing the patio for smokers for MONTHS and like any bar, get pissed off it people out there try to smoke or get high behind their backs. …and “dozens of guys”? WTF? That back part of the catwalk maybe holds 12 people to begin with.
They already can’t show nudity or porn on the screens and in fact had to cover up a nude male calendar they had hanging behind the damn coat check. It’s excessive hateful behavior by people that are complaining to the liquor board… probably from pissed off former customers who have been told to go outside to smoke. Unfortunately the liquor board feels like they have to investigate every complaint, it’s the laws that are homophobic, prudish, and aimed at “protecting” grown adults from grown adult things.
I have to give kudos to Savage, I have been trying to follow this story for awhile and am happy to see some guerilla activism being encouraged. Fuck this shit, let’s take our goddamn bars back.
@56 – bullshit is right!
“a month or so ago I complained that people were getting high on the patio and the bouncer looked at me like I was crazy and did NOTHING”
get a fucking clue!! the staff can only do so much policing. most well adjusted adults have a difficult time telling other people how to behave, unless they’re being unruly and obnoxious.
So, Kirby, what exactly IS it about The Eagle that draws you there? Hmmm?
@83 – you’re absolutely right about where some of the complaints to LCB and SPD come from, from sissy bitches Kirby (#56)
I’m loving that Mayor Jowly campaign poster. Thanks so much.
I’m loving that Mayor Jowly campaign poster. It would make a great fridge magnet.
As a straight woman, I don’t mind dicks in bars. I expect men to bring their dick into every bar they go into.
Firstly, great post. Secondly, nice dick, whose-ever it is! But, more importantly, this post gave me a good idea.
Here in Dayona Beach, Florida, a woman’s right to expose her breasts in public in defiance of indecency laws has been affirmed legally. There have been protests where large numbers of woman expose themselves publically, and a court held that such “indecent” exposure is legal if, and only if, it is done in order to… protest indecent exposure laws.
So I’m thinking maybe 150, 200 guys in Washington standing on an overpass with their dicks out might be a nice legal test for the Northwest. Sure, you’ll get arrested the first time, but think of the progress you’d be making for Penis Rights. It’d be a great photograph, anyway, for the paper.
I was at the Eagle last night and the music was great and I didn’t see a single dick.
I personally am mortified to discover people are bringing their dicks with them into public places. I think all establishments should have a “penis check room” and that businesses should be allowed to selectively frisk visitors for hidden dicks…
@90: Didn’t G.H.W.B. put his in a trust fund in 1980?
Dicks in Bars??!!
Oh shit. And here I was hoping to see a project to get a local, fresh fast food vendor installed in bars. Cuz sometimes you need a snack.
Oh.
Portland has dicks in bars. Thats what people want. Stop wasting money on LCB! Give us freedom!
Ass eating contests! Dicks in bars!
I’m sooooo moving to Portland!
There is a picture of a whole bunch of dicks (and pussies) from some nude event way back when that is hanging on the wall at the Rosebud.
@91, try as I may, I can’t seem to remember the status of George Sr.’s dick in 1980. I find this to be a relief…
I’ve had bigger. Nice though.
I believe that Trolls in bars have always been of a greater concern than Dicks. But please, no pictures.
Dear lord, a little dick is no big deal. Especially since there were hundreds of people teabagging last month.
Going to the Eagle and complaining about seeing dick is like going to Centerfolds and complaining about seeing poon.
Ridic(k)ulous.