The size queens on the Stranger Election Control Board were initially excited to hear from King County Elections that the length of the ballot for the November election is record breaking. “This 18-inch ballot is the largest ever,” they said. Someone in a uniform is probably stuffing it into your box right now.
Then we learned the reason this ballot is so big—so big you’re going to have to fold it FOUR times just to get it into its envelope—is because it has been penis-pumped by Tim Eyman with bullshit, meaningless, time-wasting “advisory votes.” That’s right: Nearly half of this ballot’s historic length is due to the crooked initiative peddler’s unquenchable thirst for wasting taxpayer dollars on useless, nonbinding, statewide “votes” that make Eyman feel… potent? Manly? Relevant?
He’s not the only embarrassing Republican out there trying to ruin our lives—but at least the one in the White House is currently being impeached. Mix yourself an impeachment cocktail (we recommend peach schnapps, vodka, and orange juice), pour it into a beer hat, and start sucking. See if you can blaze through all 12 of Eyman’s stupid fucking “votes” before you’ve got a good buzz going. Then you’ll be at the actually consequential ballot measures (yes to bringing reasonable affirmative action to Washington State, hell no to another stupid-ass car-tab measure, also courtesy of Eyman, that would screw the poor and decimate public transit). After that, you’ll finally get to weigh in on who should be running city hall. Your vote will determine whether progressive candidates can save Seattle democracy from a plague of corporate cash or the keys will be handed to the corporate stooges who want nothing more than to lick the sweat off Jeff Bezos’s balls.