Comedian Louis CK is such hot poop these days that tickets to all four of his Seattle shows sold out months ago. Still, that means more than 10,000 Seattle ticket-holders are currently crapping their pants with excitement about getting to see America’s greatest living standup comedian with their own eyes. If you’re among these 10,000-plus ticket holders, lucky you. If you’re not, stay home and watch both seasons of Louie and then Pootie Tang on Netflix. (Paramount Theater, 911 Pine St, stgpresents.org, 7 and 10 pm, $45)

David Schmader—former weed columnist and Stranger associate editor—is the author of the solo plays Straight and Letter to Axl, which he’s performed in Seattle and across the US. His latest...