Dear Obsolescent Pair of Headphones: I’m a lesbian about to be married to the love of my life. However, my sister doesn’t approve of our decision and has refused to attend the wedding. Should I try to convince her to come or brush her off? —Caitlyn R., Georgetown
Dear Caitlyn: Who cares? I mean… why is this even a problem? Invite her, disinvite her, whatever. Let me tell you what a problem is: A problem is watching your entire life—your entire identity—being erased from the planet and flushed down the goddamn toilet by those bastards at Apple and their masturbation device of choice, the iPhone. When they chose not to include a headphone jack on the iPhone 7, they basically said, “Oh… sorry, ridiculously outdated technology. (P.S., they were being sarcastic, because they’re NOT sorry at all.) We won’t be needing you or your stupid cord anymore, because you’re OLD, and DUMB, and USELESS…