After saving a couple rats from beating each other to death, why not cool off by drinking the mock spring water spewing from the Mount Rainier sculpture-fountain in Cal Anderson Park? It’s not safe, you say? You’ve seen human beings shit in that water before, you say? HAH. Take your ass back to Cleveland, you tech-bro transplant douchebag. Back in the OLD Seattle, which existed as a discrete and agreed-upon cultural entity before you showed up and ruined everything with your “marketable skills,” everyone who lived on Capitol Hill used to fuck in that water and then drink the fuck-water. Made us stronger. And even if the water quality isn’t as good as it was in fucking Toledo or “the Bay Area” or wherever the fuck you’re from, you shouldn’t be THAT worried in the first place. They fill it up with water fresh from the hose often enough. RICH SMITH
Labor Day weekend is upon us. Read on for more things to do before the sun disappears forever.