“Look out! Yes, sir! There’s a stranger on the phone!” is what Bill Cosby says to me when he answers the phone.

Bang! Total instant Cosby.

“What school did you come out of?” He begins interviewing me. He brings up college right off the mark. The man is all college. He’s obsessed with college. Obsessed!

He got his doctorate in education in 1976 with his quite wordy dissertation “An Integration of the Visual Media via Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids into the Elementary School Curriculum as a Teaching Aid and Vehicle to Achieve Increased Learning.” (Dang.) He speaks constantly at universities across the country. He donated $20 million to a college once! His university jerseys outnumber his sweaters. I rest my case.

Mr. Cosby has developed quite a reputation for his rambling codgerisms as he’s always railing, they say, against the evils of the hiphops and the swearwords. (You kids get off my lawn!) I wondered exactly what he’d say if I answered, “College? Why, I dropped out of junior high to suck pecker for money, Mr. Coz-bay!”

But no. Heaven help the poor fool who says “pecker” to Mr. Coz-bay.

And that’s another thing. His agent (who is also Tom Brokaw’s agent, weirdly) told me, “He prefers to be called ‘Mr. Cosby.’ Please don’t call him ‘Bill.'” I guess my plan to call him “Aunt Betty” was out of the question. One must respect The Cosby!

“The University of Montana, Mr. Cosby!” I say. He is satisfied. We talk about college for a while. It is boring. I change the subject. I ask him where he is right this second and what he’s doing there.

“Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! Not to be confused with Mississippi! I was born here! Nineteenthirtyseven!”

I knew that. Wikipedia. “You have a birthday coming up, Mr. Cosby!” I say. Next month. July 12 or something.

“Yes, sir! Lookin’ at SEVENTY-THREE! Please HOLD THE PHONE!”

Ha! “Hold the phone!” Codger.

As I, um, hold the phone, the weirdness sinks in: The man I am holding for was the lovable, goofy, rambling force who “Hey-hey-heyed!” his way into every crook and fiber of my childhood. Pudding Pops! The Electric Company! (I own the DVD set!) Fat Albert! (Every Saturday!) A relentless one-hour comedy screed that ran day and night on HBO for 20 schmazillion years that I watched until it burned Cosby-shaped holes into my eyeballs! (It was a standup routine about his family that eventually led to The Cosby Show, which eventually led to bellyaching Rudy with the soap in her eye.) The first black man to star as a lead in a television program! Jazz musician! Television doctor! Real-life PhD! Big-money philanthropist! LEONARD PART 6!

“So!” says Leonard Part 6 when he comes back on the line after a second or two. “This morning, we are going to, um, bury our basketball coach. He was 90 years old. A black man! We called him ‘Sarge’! And we were ages 14, 15, 16, 17.”

Yes, Bill Cosby was sitting at his kitchen table when I called, writing a eulogy for his boyhood mentor. This was off the chain. It was exactly like getting sucked face-first into the teevee and dropped smack into an episode of The Cosby Show. It was surrealer. Surrealist.

Fade in: Late morning. Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable (or, “Cliff”) is sitting at the kitchen table, writing the eulogy for a beloved hero, his old basketball coach, whom he is burying within the hour. He is wearing an expensive sweater. (Occasionally, he distractedly sucks on a Pudding Pop—LOGO TO THE CAMERA!) Suddenly! He is interrupted by Vanessa, who bursts through the kitchen door with her impossible, physics-defying trapezoidal hair. She is followed by Rudy, who’s belly-
aching because she has soap in her eye (and rapidly evaporating cuteness and acting skills), then by Lisa Bonet, who’s sassy and a slut, then comes Theo, who does whatever Theo does. (At the moment, Mrs. Clair Huxtable, bless her, is holed up in her downtown mahogany-and-leather-bound-book-rich office, being a smug, very educated, African-American female lawyer in the ’80s and is far too busy to burst through the kitchen door just now. She will burst through the kitchen door later, when she has something smug, wise, and rather superior to say.) Mr. Cosby reacts politely, hilariously, annoyed. As expected. Then, the phone rings…

But not really. He was just interrupted by Adrian Ryan, with whom he had a 7:00 a.m. (PDT) interview scheduled. We were supposed to talk about his show at Benaroya Hall on the 20th. There would be no trapezoidal hair in this episode.

“And I am busy here writing because they want me to say something at the service, and what’s interesting about this… and not just because I’m… well… you know, this legend in show business… but it’s because ‘the guys,’ our guys, will be there, to carry him out, and put him into the hearse, for his final ride…”

And then I realize something. The “they” that Mr. Coz-bay is talking about, these “the guys,” had to be, in fact, the old Cosby gang (if you will). The characters who populated Cosby’s Fat Albert universe were culled from his boyhood friends. In short: The Cosby Kids were off to bury their old coach. Do-do-do-do.

“And what’s interesting about this…”

And here we go! The Cosby monologues. He thinks out loud, like an old professor. Some things he says are very funny; some are very sad. He’s emotional. He seems to choke up a little at moments. (So do I.) He talks about Sarge, the plan to bury him out of Corinthian Baptist Church, how the church is just seven doors down from his mother’s old house—the church where his grandfather sang as a choirboy. He says that Sarge was a good man who gave back to these boys, his “guys,” when he could have been doing something else. He talks about Fat Albert and duplicitous wars, and he quotes directly from his dissertation! He gives me advice on raising my niece. He asks me if I smoke.

Cosby does much to cultivate his codger image. He tells me a hilarious story about recently scolding his very adult daughter when his excited grandson almost said “shit” to him on the phone. (And you thought Jesus had strict folks.) The Cosby song hasn’t really changed: Children and education and his family and the integrity of all three—these are the basis of his humor and his outlook and his life. And no smut talk!

But Bill (I mean “Mr. Cosby!”) keeps coming back to the moment “when they close the coffin.” Because that coffin doesn’t close just on a man, but on a whole type of man, he’s trying to tell me. It was very Angels in America. I wonder if he knew that. I didn’t ask.

At last, a brief break. “Please HOLD THE PHONE!”

“Well, Mr. Adrian Ryan! I have to go now! Thank you very much for calling. I’ll see you in Seattle on the 20th! The show is going to be hilarious. Good-bye!”

Click.

Mr. Coz-bay will be playing Benaroya Hall on June 20, Father’s Day, brought to you by the Seattle Symphony. The show has been playing in major cities everywhere, to rave reviews and sold-out crowds. It is called, um, An Evening with Bill Cosby. What else?

Now get off my lawn! recommended

Adrian Ryan is a Stranger senior contributing writer and nightlife columnist. He has been writing for The Stranger since late 1997, and he’s pretty sure he still hasn’t been paid for some really early...

58 replies on “Get Off My Lawn!”

  4. Ah. I just realized you’re the same unfunny waste of space who wrote the Gary Coleman “eulogy”.

    What the hell is The Stranger thinking letting you publish things? Are you the nephew of someone important?

    Either way, pull your head out of your ass. What you’re writing isn’t funny, isn’t talented or clever, and is disrespectful to the subjects. It also isn’t journalism. At all.

  7. I’d have to agree with Sloggy McGee.

    I appreciate you writing in your own voice, but it’s kinda not someone I’d wanna listen to. Like most of Vice magazine, nasty for nasty’s sake.

    And I must say the Coleman piece was just as flippant to the subject, perhaps even more so.
    In light of the fact that he had just died, IMO doesn’t speak highly of you.

    I don’t know you Adrian, but I hope you’re a kinder person than these pieces indicate, and that that kindness would come across more often in your future work.

  8. Spelling errors or no, I’m with Sloggy on this one. Any writer who, upon hearing someone has died, decides to further harass said dead person with a mock eulogy of smarmy, tasteless remarks charts quite low on the scale of journalistic integrity and/or basic human decency. Suppose this article was a little better. Not as entirely awful. Still. The smarm. Tone it down. (!).

  9. Sloggy has a point. This IS pretty sophmoric, to keep with the college theme. You try a little too hard to be wacky. You seem like you were polite to him when talking to him, but then turn around and are dickish when writing about him. Kind of childish, unprofessional, immature. You know, like you don’t have anything worthwhile to say.

    Also, while you’re dragging the “off my lawn” cliche’ around, why don’t you call him a “douche” and ask, “WTF”? Then you could really look cool. People might LOL!

  10. Adrian gets a chance to interview a giant of comedy, philanthropy, and entertainment of all kinds, someone who also delights in kicking up some controversy now and again, and the entire piece is about Adrian. Adrian’s reactions, Adrian’s glee over taking the interview, Adrian’s thought process over a comment (there was more about Adrian’s thoughts on Cosby’s comments than there were actual Cosby comments), and worst of all Adrian’s attempts to be as funny or funnier than Cosby. What a waste of an interview and a waste of my five minutes reading it. Then when Adrian gets taken down a peg by a slog comment, the comeback is: “wow, sloggy. you are really embarrassing yourself. keep talking!” If the “article” weren’t enough, that is proof positive why it was such pathetic folly to attempt comedy within 1,000 miles of the subject Bill Cosby.

  12. This article is a prime example of why the Stranger is no longer essential reading in Seattle. I’ve been reading it ever since it started publishing, and it was never a “serious” paper but it used to have insightful articles and reviews until maybe 3-4 years ago. However, the writing has become so hipsterish and preciously ironic lately (although it never really wasn’t) that I no longer feel the need to pick it up at my favorite bar or coffeehouse. I could tell by the third paragraph that this article wasn’t worth reading, and a quick skim of the remainder confirmed that. If I get it at all now it’s only for the music listings, though certainly not for the recommendations. It’s time to start a new alternative weekly.

  13. @4: What the hell is The Stranger thinking letting you publish things? Are you the nephew of someone important?

    No, he’s the boyfriend/fuckbuddy/houseslave of somebody I’m sure. That’s how you get and keep a job at this rag.

  14. Really bad article, closest racist shit, very tongue in cheek mocking…I have read this guys stuff and for a white gay man I would hope he would have somewhat of an understanding of social oppression…he is constantly coming racist with his shit

  15. This article is a prime example of why the Stranger is no longer essential reading in Seattle. I’ve been reading it ever since it started publishing, and it was never a “serious” paper but it used to have insightful articles and reviews until maybe 3-4 years ago. However, the writing has become so hipsterish and preciously ironic lately (although it never really wasn’t) that I no longer feel the need to pick it up at my favorite bar or coffeehouse. I could tell by the third paragraph that this article wasn’t worth reading, and a quick skim of the remainder confirmed that. If I get it at all now it’s only for the music listings, though certainly not for the recommendations. It’s time to start a new alternative weekly.

  17. “This article is a prime example of why the Stranger is no longer essential reading in Seattle.”

    But you are obviously still reading it, jackass.

    If you don’t like Adrian Ryan’s writing style, don’t read Adrian Ryan’s articles. No one is forcing you. I’m sorry if your self-righteousness stunts your sense of humor.

  18. @17: “This article is a prime example of why the Stranger is no longer essential reading in Seattle.”

    But you are obviously still reading it, jackass.

    Yeah, but not every week. And then only to see what’s playing; like I said.

    If you don’t like Adrian Ryan’s writing style, don’t read Adrian Ryan’s articles. No one is forcing you. I’m sorry if your self-righteousness stunts your sense of humor.

    I don’t, and I don’t. Google the term “self-righteousness”, since you skipped class at SCCC they day they covered it, and get back to me and tell me where I exhibited it. And if anyone has a stunted sense of humor, it’s Ryan and you, who have a high-school hipster sense of humor that most of us have outgrown.

  19. Right, you show up to see what’s playing and then while you are at it you spread a little negativity and hate around.

    The first part of my comment was in direct response to your posting, but not the second. That was intended as a general response to the hate.

    And of course I go to community college! What else could explain how someone could disagree with you and/or anyone else that trashes The Stranger!

  20. Ha! What paper do you think you’re reading, people? Also, if you’re bitching about it, why are you still reading it? The Stranger has always and will always be a cynical, irreverent source of entertainment and Mudede’s weird architectural big booty philosophy rambling.

    I say make fun of Bill Cosby and anyone else, Adrian Ryan. Make fun of me. No one and nothing is sacred because the whole world and everything in it is so fucked that the only sane response is to laugh at it.

    Stop being so fucking pious, or go read the Weekly.

  21. a couple of folks here are still mad about the gary coleman piece. fine. but this is as different from that as apples are to pizza. cosby is first and foremost a comedian who gives loads of respect to comedians he doesn’t agree with, many whose style he doesn’t value ( richard pryor comes immediately to mind.. remember cosby never swears ..EVER ) and throughout a rich and varied career has managed to support and defend so many causes and concerns they could never be listed particularly here. i bet that he’d read, enjoy, and understand this piece better than most of those who vow to never read adrian again.
    adrian was respectfully irreverent. adrian it’s a lovely human piece and you keep doing what you do well. my friend john uses this quote every day and i think it applies here…
    I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to
    please everybody.
    Bill Cosby

  22. I also thought this was “respectfully irreverent,” nice turn of phrase, rddr. I suspect as well that many of the commenters above are the same person, although I’m not sure why they, er, he or she, care so much.

  24. Judging by your DVD library, you love Mr. Cosby. Me too, but you actually got the chance to talk to him. You SQUANDERED IT!

    Why did this man who once seemed so affable go quietly off the rails? What changed? Was he always a dick and just got tired of pretending he wasn’t? You didn’t even try a little race-baiting.

    The real achievement is that you’ve managed to become formulaic in just two contributions, and yet the Stranger decides to run turd dieux anyway!

    I can’t wait to see you stick it to Arthur Ash.

  25. This pieced echoed exactly the nature of the Cosby gestalt to those of us of a certain age. I thought it was immensely, giddily respectful and reflected the overwhelming overwhelmingness of interviewing someone beyond iconic.

  26. This pieced echoed exactly the nature of the Cosby gestalt as it appears to those of us of a certain age. I thought it was immensely, giddily respectful and reflected the overwhelming overwhelmingness of interviewing someone beyond iconic.

  28. Has anyone noticed that the “holy than thou” critical comments on Slog come from commentators who most of us almost never hear from?

    It’s the fucking Stranger people, get a life! If you want false respect or hero worship go watch Fox News and talk to your buddy Glenn Beck.

  30. @ 28: Is there some minimum number of SLOG comments a person is required to make before a criticism of shitty Stranger writing is valid? If that is the case, your injunction to non-familiar “commentators” to “get a life” is ironic. I submit that it is you, the person who spends an inordinate amount of time “commentating,” who should get a life. Such as it might be.

  32. @ 28, are you talking about SLOG regulars? Because I generally encounter a whole different set of commenters when I check out actual Stranger pieces like this.

  33. With this “article,” Adrian Ryan has now joined Charles Mudede in the “Stranger writers whose writing I will avoid at all costs” category. The Stranger already has one irreverant goofball writer, and she does it much better than you. You just come across as trying too hard. Snooze.

  34. I’m puzzled–is there another piece which has the actual interview with Mr. Cosby? Articles about the process of writing/researching an article are of limited interest.

  35. I wish you’d taken as givens that he’s from a different generation than you, values education, and is not tolerant of smut talk. I thought we knew all that already. (And “get off my lawn” is getting so old that pretty soon the only people using it will be those who actually want people to get off their lawns…)

  37. This is a piece about the experience of interviewing Bill Cosby, and I enjoyed it for what it is. I suspect it would be difficult to try to encapsulate the actual comments of someone who bounces from thought to thought like Cosby (think of interviewing Robin Williams) so I actually liked this filtered view of the process of trying to get a word in edgewise when interviewing an icon for, like, less than fifteen minutes on the phone….

  39. I bought Mr. Cosby’s first LP with my paper route money back in the 60’s. I’m not sure if that makes me “a certain age”, but I agree with smade (#25 and #26) and Jaymz (#37). I thought Mr. Ryan’s piece was pitch perfect.

  40. @33 “The Stranger already has one irreverant goofball writer, and she does it much better than you.”

    exactly. Lindy West = funny, clever, insightful, with actual writing talent. She’s deeply cynical, sarcastic, caustic, even offensive at times, but she’s obviously intelligent, puts effort and thought into her pieces, and makes them work.

    My problem is with this being offensive and disrespectful (which it is – Cosby’s in his seventies and is owed some common courtesy) and even more about it being poorly written, self-congratulating garbage.

  41. That’s some pretty bummed out people in the comments thread, but Adrian’s piece is fine. That being said, an actual transcript of the whole interview would probably be pretty interesting too.

  42. Yeah, I’d love to listen to a recording of the interview, and also read Adrian’s piece along with it. That said, Adrian’s piece was really perfect. Adrian is irreverent, and so he lets us in on what he WOULD HAVE said, you know, if he wasn’t actually talking to The Cozbay and didn’t want to be nice and stuff. But he didn’t say it actually. Instead he tells us all of the career of the man that meant so much to him, and how surreal it is to be interviewing the man at that particular, AWKWARD, and touching moment.

    Kudos SIR!

  43. @21

    Cosby is KNOWN for calling out comedians that he doesn’t agree with! You obviously don’t know much about what you’re talking about. Eddie Murphy himself does and entire piece about Bill Cosby calling him up to tell him not to curse. If you don’t know that, you don’t know much about comedy. I also remember Cosby being in the audience at an event that Wanda Sikes was hosting and REFUSING flat-out to even acknowledge her. If Cosby had read this SLOG post, he would have torn into Adrian. This post is self-serving and VERY disrespectful. It’s sad that you can really SEE the quality of the writing at The Stranger going downhill all the time.

  44. So Adrian kicked the shit out of Cosby. Have you ever read his writing before? He’s been with the Stranger ever since I can remember, and is their resident imp and snarkmeister. Sometimes he’s really funny and sometimes he tries to hard, but the fact that any of you yo-yos are seriously surprised or offended just shows your own cluelessness.

  45. @40 and @33, as commenter I can say this, I’ve been reading the stranger when it was still a paper and long before Lindy West was a part of it; she is a plagiarist and a hack. Maybe you should read some of the earlier stuff from Adrian and other journalist at the Stranger to see what I mean. @21, Frankly, you are a lot younger than you try to portray yourself as being. If you cannot recognize who you’ve just insulted then I believe it is you who needs to start reviewing some history.
    To everyone else, stop biting and enjoy the article, it’s the Stranger. If you wish to have critical review read a newspaper.

  46. Maybe the article should include a large photograph of Adrian Ryan rather than our fellow MR. COSBY.

    Yes! Some of these people are right. The article is written by you and about you. It is remarkably snarky, disrespectful, selfish and all the while absolutely readable. Those paragraphs wouldn’t let me go! Perhaps sharing traits with many rap songs? “ME. ME. ME.” That’s all they yap about! Yet so good to listen to.
    Consider it! <<< MR. RY-YAN “Get off my lawn!” (feat. MR. COZ-BAY)>>>
    Understand, son?

    Yeah We all soooo hate on the writings of many Stranger wordsmiths yet we always come back for more. What the fuck else will we read as a weekly? The less colorful (perhaps beige) “other” rag? DON’T THINK SO.

    Do us a favor, tone down the carbs and pump up the meat, we are attempting sustainable content for our reading pleasure.

    Ultimately, with out us readers, you don’t have a job! Maybe if that day arrives you can take up rhyming lessons and put out an album.

    It could be called….

    RESPECTING DISRESPECT.

  47. TWICE. (It was an accident, okay?)

    Maybe the article should include a large photograph of Adrian Ryan rather than our fellow MR. COSBY.

    Yes! Some of these people are right. The article is written by you and about you. It is remarkably snarky, disrespectful, selfish and all the while absolutely readable. Those paragraphs wouldn’t let me go! Perhaps sharing traits with many rap songs? “ME. ME. ME.” That’s all they yap about! Yet so good to listen to.
    Consider it! <<< MR. RY-YAN “Get off my lawn!” (feat. MR. COZ-BAY)>>>
    Understand, son?

    Yeah We all soooo hate on the writings of many Stranger wordsmiths yet we always come back for more. What the fuck else will we read as a weekly? The less colorful (perhaps beige) “other” rag? DON’T THINK SO.

    Do us a favor, tone down the carbs and pump up the meat, we are attempting sustainable content for our reading pleasure.

    Ultimately, with out us readers, you don’t have a job! Maybe if that day arrives you can take up rhyming lessons and put out an album.

    It could be called….

    RESPECTING DISRESPECT.

  48. @43
    weatherboy
    don’t be such a simpleton.
    didn’t i mention that cosby never curses ? because he doesn’t like it doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate another comedians craft. there’s a difference between being called out and being disrespected..and cosby is almost always respectful. who knows what his deal about wanda sykes was – he’s also a human being ..most of us dislike other human beings from time to time. as an elder statesman (and he takes being an elder statesman very serious, as well he should ) most comedians ( particularly african american comedians, including murphy ) hold him with the highest regard. as this rag later reports,it seems that cosby enjoyed his conversation with adrian http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive&hellip;
    and probably would enjoy this piece. he understands irreverence even as you do not.

  49. @43,

    if you think that ANYONE would “respect” this article if it was written about THEM, then you’re the simpleton. AND, how do you think that calling people out ISN’T pointing out how someone does NOT respect what the other is doing? he doesn’t like comedians who are crass just to be crass. that’s why he gets along with some of the greats of our time, because THEY have substance to their comedy. your logic makes NO sense.

    i KNOW that Cosby said that he enjoyed the interview, but he probably didn’t READ what Adrian wrote about him. IT WAS DISRESPECTFUL. if you don’t get that, you never will. Cosby would probably have not liked what Adrian wrote about him, just like MOST PEOPLE wouldn’t like it. but, your snarky name-calling (that, yes, even i stooped to just now) doesn’t give you the high ground, it just makes you look like a condescending jerk. if you can’t see that this piece was mostly about the author and how he likes to talk about himself and his views on a “codger” comic legend, and that it was a wasted opportunity to report on an interview with a comic legend, then we can agree to disagree.

  51. This was a seriously dumb profile. Obviously Mr. Ryan has poor interviewing skills and was just trying to put lipstick on the pig of his inability to coax some interesting quotes from Mr. Cosby. Even in his seventies, the Cos is a little too quick for you.

    The other thing that bothered me about this article was the ridiculous amount of exclamation points it contained. And all-caps words. When you find yourself resorting to such cheap theatrics as a journalist (even one working for the Stranger), it’s time to re-evaluate. And shame on the editor who green-lighted this pig. Where are your standards?

  53. @ everyone.
    So, I have revisited the article and comments on Bill Cosby. Many of you are still going on about how ‘Adrian Ryan did this wrong…’ and ‘Adrian Ryan is ineffectual…’
    Have any of you seen the other interview of Mr. Cosby while in Seattle? At the news station?

    http://www.q13fox.com/news/kcpq-061810-b&hellip;

    This article perfectly highlights how sporadic Bill Cosby is with his interviews; the interviewers themselves simply shut up and allow him to talk.
    Before you judge Mr. Ryan on what has been printed, from the 1990’s forward you may want to view some other material on Cosby and how he is with journalists. Also, from reading some of the comments many of you sound like fanatics! Step back, rethink your strategy, do some research and please respond with interesting conversation. I can do without the acidic piss dripping from your mouth. Better yet, all of us can.

  54. Cosby tells stories. they ramble. people who know his comedy already know this. MOST comedians try to work in comedy into their interviews. he does try to answer the questions that the q13 people ask, as uninteresting as they might be. the q13 interview at least gives us insights about HIM from HIS perspective. not some fool calling him (a 72 year old man, yes he’s old, but still smarter than “Mr. H.P.”/ Mr. Ryan) a “CODGER (HA! I’m SO funny!!! RIGHT!?).” there’s no real substance to this article. that’s the thing, i think, that bothers most of the commenters on this thread. it’s definitely not fanatical to point out lazy, self-serving journalism. the fact that “Mr. Ryan” was disrespectful to a comic legend and people call him out for it isn’t fanatical either. it’s just people making a point about the quality of the author’s character and the declining quality of journalism at The Stranger.

  57. Great article. It captured the essence of what it is to love both Cosby from the 80s and appreciate Cosby of now. I, too, would love if the Stranger posted an MP3 of the interview as well.

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