8b99/1247678710-534sd1.jpgDo you know about this place? The text messages I am getting from her are off the charts.

I am holding a brochure for “a ministry of art”—”sculpture” garden by Precious Moments figurine co. Wish u were here!

Now we are on Bob Hope Memorial Drive and just passed a theater that only does Red Skelton tributes.

Did you know Andy Williams is still alive?!

Apparently I can buy a bikini made out of a confederate flag here.

Seems wrong that the Titanic museum here—boasting 400 items that belonged to dead passengers—is billed as “fun for whole family.” Still, I think we’re going.

We just passed a motel advertising “musical ducks.” It’s closed so apparently not a hit. Tomorrow we go see show of dancing cats. For real.

I will keep them coming if you like.

Jen Graves (The Stranger’s former arts critic) mostly writes about things you approach with your eyeballs. But she’s also a history nerd interested in anything that needs more talking about, from male...

47 replies on “I Have a Friend Visiting Branson, Missouri”

  7. please more. I have a feeling that most of the people in this town are the same ones who were booing Obama at last nights all-star game.

  9. Yes, Branson is VERY strange, but oddly fascinating at the same time. I live in St. Louis, so I go once/twice per year. My main reason is to enjoy the wonderful Silver Dollar City, which is a MUST do.

  10. I was looking at the official website. Did you know that this year is the 50th anniversary of the towns first show? Really! It was called “The Baldknobbers.”

    This is what awaits me when I die and go to hell.

  11. “My dad says it’s like Vegas – if it were run by Ned Flanders” Bart Simpson

    Sounds like, as usual, The Simpsons weren’t far off.

  16. Is Branson where they have a Precious Moments wedding chapel? Because if so, I would like photos too. Thanks Jen & Jen’s anonymous friend.

  23. As @11 mentioned, besides the episode where the Simpsons went to Branson, there was also the one where Bart, Nelson, Milhouse and Martin drove through it on the way to Knoxville, TN.

    The gang rolls into America’s most family-friendly town. (Well, assuming your family is white, Christian, and doesn’t like listening to music recorded after 1952.)

    Nelson: What is this place?
    Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it’s like Vegas — if it were run by Ned Flanders.
    Nelson: [sees a sign extolling the virtues of an Andy Williams concert] Andy Williams!
    Bart: Aw, we don’t need to stop here.
    Nelson: Yes we do. [punches Bart in the back of the head]

    Mr. Williams’ vocal stylings have a varied effect on the boys. Bart, Martin, and Milhouse are fast asleep. Nelson, however, is enthralled.

    Andy Williams: [singing off-camera] …my huckleberry friend Moon river, and me.
    [audience applauds]
    Nelson: I didn’t think he’d do “Moon River,” but then — bam! — second encore!

  25. Banson and Dollywood are two places I have always threatened the husband with wanting to go to, please more and with photos if possible!!

  27. @18. Oh my God:

    The show started with the Precious Moments Singers singing a few Gospel and patriotic songs.

    I’m not sure a more amazing sentence has every been written.

  31. OMG…we use to go there when I was a kid…what a fantastically fucked up place for trailer trash! Please keep these updates coming…they are so dead on!

  32. OMG Paulus, I may never be the same again after visting that website… they have the life of christ in precious moments stained glass… OMG wow…

  35. I grew up in St. Louis, and we took vacations here. With such a grounding in Branson and its like, I’m surprised I turned out like I did.

    You may take that as you will.

    It’s, um, blossomed in the last 15 years, though. The Titanic Museum thing just floors me.

    I think I shall kiss the ground of Capitol Hill when I get home tonight. Well… air kiss.

  36. i almost landed a project in Branson. i was really looking forward to strolling “Boxcar Willie Drive”.

    then i realized i fucking hate rubes.

  39. @33, you can’t get a drink in the theaters, but the bars and restaurants in town serve alcohol. I don’t think the human nervous system could take it without some booze.

  40. I was forced to go there once for christmas because that’s what my grandfather wanted to do. it was one of the most depressing times of my life. they have a Dolly Parton rodeo-theater- dinner show that has a no utensils policy.

  41. @ 26: I agree. Any time Nelson let down his “tough kid” image it was cool. (I’m speaking as someone who hasn’t seen a Simpsons episode after about the first ten years, so I don’t really know what’s up with them now). And…are there “World’s Fairs” any more?

  42. I was at Table Rock Lake a month ago and we went in to Branson to go to the Riley’s Museum and, yes, I saw Yakov.
    He started with “How many of you are encouraged by the new president?”-a light smattering of applause. “And how many of you are just pissed off?”- and the place erupted. Tht’s pretty much all you need to know about Branson. Oh, and it’s like 100 degrees with 99% humidity all the time.

  44. @27: Julie, you’re right. Perhaps its only rival is the priceless:

    “After dinner, we saw The Welk Show starring the Lennon Sisters. The music is a salute to Burt Bacharach. It seems like everyone in the show is related to someone else in the show. “

  45. Precious Moments in Carthage is a 1980’s nightmare! …Think the show, “Redneck Weddings”. Branson is a whole ‘nother nightmare…I’d rather die a violent death then go to that place again. BTW, I live 10 minutes from Carthage and just over an hour from Branson…*kill me*

  46. I spent two summers working at the Silver Dollar City theme park in Branson. It was a surreal experience that I wouldn’t trade for the world. The best part was getting free tickets to the show around town. The best was John Davidson…because it was so damn bad. As in so shockingly bad you had to see it.

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