Sour Grapes and Kidney Stones

I regret how the economic crisis is affecting theaters I care about.
When shows close early, it feels like a life has been snuffed out.
DARIAN LINDLE, DIRECTOR AND PLAYWRIGHT

I regret leaving my fly open during the opening night’s performance
of The Adding Machine. PAUL MORGAN STETLER, ACTOR

I regret not drinking more water. The result of this failure to
hydrate was kidney stones, which slowly passed through me a mere two
weeks before my dissertation was due at the London School of Economics.
I do not regret that they passed through me in England, where the
health care is free and I only paid for the painkillers I had to take
in order to stop me from screaming into my pillow in agonizing pain. If
it were the U.S., I would be in debt. (When the doctor who saw me at
the emergency room discovered I was American, he tried to explain
kidney stones to me by telling me “Joey had them on
Friends.”)

Though I regret the stones, I appreciate the perspective they gave
me. The week previous, I was also in bed, this time nursing a broken
heart. I did not think anything could be worse. What could possibly be
worse than the devastating melancholia of unrequited love? The answer
is “solid concretions of dissolved minerals” attempting to pass through
my urethra. HARI KONDABOLU, COMEDIAN

I regret being such a sucky marketer; if I were better, that’d be
one less excuse I could give my actors when my shows do poorly.
ROGER TANG, PRODUCER

I regret the times I’ve made a decision, artistic or personal, out
of fear rather than hope. I regret that I didn’t see more at On the
Boards. I regret the times I went to theater when I was really too
tired to be there, and it didn’t do anyone any good. I regret that I
didn’t take Proposition 8 seriously because I was wrapped up in Obama.
I regret my last birthday and its magical, self-refilling whiskey
glass—but 40 is coming up and I’ll be in Kauai with the two
awesome ladies of We Are Golden. What more could a girl ask for?
SHEILA DANIELS, ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR AT INTIMAN

I regret getting so drunk at the Stranger Genius Awards that I made
an obscene gesture [the one for cunnilingus] at Lane Czaplinski [the
artistic director of On the Boards] from across the bar and lost my
shoes when security finally kicked us out of the Moore. I also regret
the credit Implied Violence received for apparently inventing sloppy
theater in a warehouse. HEIDI GANSER, COSTUME DESIGNER

I regret assuming that everyone in the Seattle theater community
agrees that new works are integral to making Seattle a world-class
theater town within five years. Clearly, we playwrights have some work
to do beyond our own writing. I further regret that I haven’t done more
to convince actors how important they are to new work and how important
new work is to them.

I regret the too-pervasive notion that success as an artist is
equated with making a “living wage” and that this equation is too often
performed by the artists themselves. If you’re looking for the forces
of mediocrity to own you, continue to sell yourself for the “living
wage.” PAUL MULLIN, PLAYWRIGHT

I regret spending quite so much time investing in personal pleasure
over professional development—I quit my administrative theater
job so that I could devote myself to applying for grants and maybe the
Lincoln Center Director’s Lab, and somehow ended up as a burlesque
dancer instead. KATJANA VADEBONCOEUR, CO–ARTISTIC DIRECTOR OF
WASHINGTON ENSEMBLE THEATRE

I regret being such a wuss-puss and not attempting to be a
balls-to-the-wall performer or taking the chance of failing miserably.
I have this fear of reviewers and reviews—so much so that I have,
for the past year and a half, stifled myself from trying anything
new.

I regret comparing myself to my peers and feeling like a failure
based on their successes. Knowing so many talented folks who are doing
similar projects is a blessing and a curse. The long and the short of
it? “Get some BALLS, Mink!” TROY MINK, WRITER AND ACTOR

I regret turning down the role of Meryl Streep’s daughter in
Mamma Mia! I definitely smell Oscar buzz! WAXIE MOON,
BOYLESQUE DANCER

I regret not using a snazzy column title like “Ten Things Theaters
Must Do Right Now to Save Themselves” and then filling it with
idiosyncratic pet peeves and whims, because it sure got people fired
up, until we all realized that free child care, building bars, and a
Shakespeare ban wouldn’t exactly turn around an economy in free fall.
JOHN LONGENBAUGH, COLUMNIST FOR THE SEATTLE
WEEKLY

I regret talking shit about The Stranger‘s Anonymous Review
Squad to people who went on to become members of The Stranger‘s
Anonymous Review Squad (you know who you are). MARYA SEA KAMINSKI,
WRITER, DIRECTOR, AND ACTOR

I regret that Seattle School’s candy-coated-
capitalistic,
shop-tastic, yen-and-rupee-riffic, J-pop extravaganza RECESSION! (first performed in May in an attempt to educate audiences on how to
stave off the then-uncertain U.S. economic downturn) has reversed the
standard axiom: comedy = tragedy + time. As the headlines pour in, that
show gets tragically less funny every minute. May God damn Seattle
School’s RECESSION! everyone who was in it, the 17 people who
saw it, and—above all—everyone who ignored it. Now you must
all live it. KORBY SEARS, SEATTLE SCHOOL

I deeply regret each and every piece of petty malicious gossip about
my fellow theater artists that I gleefully passed along this year. (For
specific details, buy me a drink.) SCOT AUGUSTSON,
PLAYWRIGHT

I regret trying to please as many damn people as possible. KIRK
ANDERSON, DRUMMER FOR “AWESOME”