Attention superstar citizens and their gawkers: Tonight brings the first-ever Stranger Gong Show to the Crocodile Cafe, and fans of freaky talents, talented freaks, and drunken celebrity judges won’t want to miss it. Performers sign up at 7 pm. (No fire, no kids. Acts must be between 45 seconds and 4 minutes long and require less than 2 minutes’ setup.) Among the amazing prizes: extravagant Sasquatch, Bumbershoot, and Block Party privileges—and cash! (Crocodile Cafe, 2200 Second Ave, 441-5611. 9 pm, free, 21+.)

David Schmader—former weed columnist and Stranger associate editor—is the author of the solo plays Straight and Letter to Axl, which he’s performed in Seattle and across the US. His latest...